Run 1893, 5 December, Sheung Tsuen

Football Round-up 

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Following the mid-week fixtures, ex-Hibernian manager Dram organises a number of games at the Sheung Tsuen Park Stadium, Shek Kong.

Pre-match news is that injuries have prevented rampaging left half Gunpowder Plod (shoulder, too much barging) and dribble wizard Serbian Bomber (groin strain) from even making the team bus.

Leaders of the Womens Filipina league immediately drop out as defenders W Talky and T Bird claim injuries.

Betway Gambling representative KY escorted from the ground after caught accepting illegal cash bets in the stands.

Large crowd to welcome World Cup Winner Greame Bully, ex-French captain.

Arsenal striker Golden Balls puts the Gooners into an early lead but is stunned by veteran Gerry’s Hattrick.

Everton full back Eunuch rages and fails to settle, fearing a red card following recent bookings in the same stadium.

South American football journeyman Vibrator noses his way around the park and smells a good chance of success.

Stringray, following his recent transfer from West Ham to Woofoo TaiPo, is still a bit off the pace but puts in a solid performance in midfield.

Liverpool winger Mango with his Billy the Fish skills runs rings around his opponents but is justly booked for some over-eager unsporting marking.

Any chance of a Hong Kong victory is lost when P Dementia and Radio One are substituted, to be replaced by F Pants on loan from Shek Kong United.

Gold Coast goalkeeper One Jack Eye saves a lot of times, and cuts shots as usual.

China FC legend Liberace plans a talk on tactics at the FCC. He is banned by the HKFA; plans to take up bookselling in Causeway Bay.

In extra time J League superstar C O Day, despite still recovering from serious injury, comes off the bench to create a number of chances, all of which are unfortunately turned down down.

All games finish as  0 – 0 draws and the crowds quickly drift away to a Tasty Indian game of cricket ……

……. more about that next week. — sports correspondent RJK

Hare Dram

Runners Catch Of The Day, Fartypants, Golden Balls, One Eyed Jack, Walky Talky, Golden Jelly, Creme Brulee, Geriatric, Eunuch, Vibrator, Stingray, Mango Groove, Penile Dementia, Radio 1, Liberace

Non-runner T-Bird

Run 1892, 28 November, Hok Tau

To the Pits

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No sign of the hare, so no pre-run information. After waiting for 10 minutes the assembled pack decided to get on with it and set off checking. Another 10 minutes and no trail was found. We were then graced with Moonie’s presence, as he took in some mountain air after a hard day’s work. He did let slip to Geriatric that he had seen trail on the road to the barbecue pits.

So Geriatric and One Eyed Jack set off in the general direction and found trail. Marked in camouflaged coloured chalk, very hard to see and not even visible from a car with headlights. Up the road, across the roundabout, through the gate, left at the toilets and on to a rambo/wimp split.

A similar trail to Gaelle Says No’s run of a few months back. So the wimps, Golden Jelly and Geriatric, went up the steps towards the Wilson Trail  and the rambos went right along the river to the road and left up the steep road to the look out. Crème Brulee was beaten to the top by Liberace with SS Mango Groove and OEJ following. The trail then followed the Wilson Trail down to the dam with the wimps rejoining at the junction part way along. Then back along the road to the start. Some 75 minutes and nine kilometres. — One Eyed Jack

Hare Eunuch

Runners Golden Jelly, Geriatric, Mango Groove, One Eyed Jack, Creme Brulee, Liberace

Run 1891, 21 November, Leafy Glade

Shattered

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Hangover or feet? Or both? I was informed that I paid for shots for everyone at the King’s Belly in the aftermath of the AGM. But I have no clue. Anyway it was a great day, read Plod’s report for more details. Still recovering on arriving at Leafy Glade. Because the feet are shattered. On setting up the AGM run, Golden Balls told me to set up the rambos while he would set the wimps. All the rambo runners got the idea of near 5km of catchwater as a finish.

On his side, tonight’s hare had opted for the 100km Trailwalker instead of 5km of catchwater and, not surprisingly, his feet were shattered. Waiting for the attendees, Gaelle Says No was relaxing, sitting on a table, with leg dandling in air and flip flop filled by feet noticeably wider by a good half inch than usual. Shattered and smashed.

GM Catch Of The Day parked her car like a moron, almost crashing into a bunch of hashers (including our favourite crashers Dram and Mango) for the sake of not missing the 7.30 mark. Nobody was injured and we all forgave her when she pulled out of her bra a bottle of saké to celebrate her first run as GM.

On his side, QT spent the AGM day trying out his stag party dressed in a fake Tarzan outfit. A photo of him circulated, showing a desperate face. We haven’t heard from him since, but we all hope he found his Jane and that we will hear his roar in the North New Territories soon.

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The run was a maze of houses, DIY roads, farming path and checks taking demented runners in all directions before connecting the dots with the next marking, often well over 200m away. Meanwhile the smart walkers were catching the desperate rambos going left, right and North by NorthWest.

All this confusion and “RU?” created havoc among the barking population. They were going berserk on our trail and around a dark corner one almost got my pee unleashed.
One day I’m going to eat a dog!

Some villagers were also coming out after us, asking what was all this about. Liberace tried to explain that we were just running for fun but the feral wouldn’t take it and was asking why we would do this so late. Then Liberace started to tell what was the N2TH3 and proposed him to join the fun. On seeing the gaze deepening, the eyebrows getting darker and thicker, the jaws growing forward; Liberace decided that he might be better stopping the PR and going back to what he does best: RUN!

Arriving to the last check, Eunuch appeared from nowhere. We hadn’t seen or heard of him for a good part of the run as he outsmarted a couple of checks better than anyone at the start and now he was behind, running like a eunuch.
Where have you been ?
I was checking on the queen!
How’s her pussy?

He didn’t say, already 20m ahead.

Finally everybody get back home: the Kwong Yik Store where sake and real bottles of Tsing Tao oiled the circle. GM did a great job keeping the fun and the spirit high, RA2 showed his mettle by not renaming Mango Shit Sniffer, Stingray got a parking ticket from the Village Committee. And I’m the first after the AGM to get handed the Dildopen so you can read this crap.  — Creme Brulee

Hare Gaelle Says No

Runners Mango Groove, Eunuch, One Eyed Jack, Liberace, Creme Brulee, Geriatric, Bunter, Wandering Wanker, Stingray, Dram, Golden Balls, Radio 1

Non-runners Catch Of The Day, T Bird

Run 1890, 17 November, Saturday Run No. 20, Tai Lam Chung

Mystery Bitch

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For the past twelvemonth (an archaic term for a year used by Golden Balls to impress upon us his learned knowledge of the English language), N2TH3 have endured a foreign regime led by a French Grand Maitre (Hong Kong’s first Gallic hash dictator) and been forced to give up beer and crisps in favour of wine and cheese.
Quislings in the pack acquiesced to this subjugation by bestowing upon the hash hierarchy regalia and vestments of office in the form of berets, striped shirts and onion strings. A tricoleur T-shirt was later produced and sold to us in euros and we had to learn an alien tongue. Not since Norman times have we had to endure such indignities.
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The GM’s homme a droit, RA, Chief Propagandist and Interpreter, Golden Balls had warmed us up with the following proclamation regarding the trail and theme:
Trail: Beautiful. A to B with rambo and wimp options. Equal length, around 7-8km. Rambo trail with good shiggy. If bringing kids then wimp trail is recommended. Beach finish. Hash halt: Yes, manned by RA2 Radio 1 Theme: French. Bring strings of onions, stripey T-shirts, berets, baguettes and boursin, and your “I stuck it to Harold” sticker. There’ll be a few Frenchie comestibles laid on alongside the usual crap snacks – bring some extra of your own if you want.
On the Big Day, a large crowd of supplicants gathered at the King’s Belly – a dissident Anglo pub in Tai Po still serving beer and crisps – and boarded a British bus (well, it wasn’t a Citroen) and then waited for he the late arrival of No Rough Stuff whose excuse was that she had encountered shiggy in the park en route (you see, even your scribe has been indoctrinated!) in which was lurking a Stingray lookalike exposing his weevil.
This bus then embarked on a mystery tour Le Grand Depart near Tai Lam Chung Fire Station where it was greeted by the N2TH3 voiture-driving elite (Luk Dim Boon, Gunpowder Plod, Velcro Lips, Sticky Sex Toy and Penile Dementia) and assorted passenger peasantry including, Crackpot, O’Bollocks, Princess Cock Tosser and LDB’s family.
We then gathered in a childrens’ playground for a briefing. In anticipation of us all beating a hasty retreat in true Gallic fashion in the wrong direction, the GM had written this upside down. We were told that the trail was about 8km, that there were two rambo/wimp splits, that there would be a “hash halt” (note, not a beer stop!) and that the run would finish at a Mystery Bitch.
The pack bitched about this for a few seconds before the RA Took Back Control and explained that the run would end at some mystery condom and plastic straw strewn stretch of sand somewhere over the hills and far away; Dover perhaps?
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Then we were off to the first split where the rambos crossed a footbridge across the river and up the first hill, crossing a number of sloping granite outcrops and getting rare views down into Siu Lam Psychiatric Centre with its maximum security prison. After reaching a trig point it was a rough trail down to the chlorination station at Tai Lam Chung Reservoir and onto a good path, with the rear taken up by the late-starting Liberace yelling “Twail”!
The wimps (Dram, Gunpowder Plod, Velcro Lips, Luk Dim Boon and family, Luk Sup Gow, Beer Tits, Phil and Geriatric) carried on along the road through the prison (sorry, “correctional institution”) precincts and up the hill onto the Tai Lam reservoir trails which were indeed beautiful and not too difficult to navigate despite the occasional lunatic on a mountain bike to avoid. Mid-way through, the rambos rejoined led by Burning Lust, Rooted, Dame Invade Her and Wai Chi Cock followed by Liberace and the rest and then the trail split again:
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The rambos on on around the reservoir and onto the catchwater road above So Kwun Wat, the western end of the Maclehose Trail. This pleasant bit of hardtop went on for a good 2.5km until the hash halt was reached.
Meanwhile, from the split the wimps on down some steps to a road down to So Kwun Wat village and after a couple of good checks and a check back appeared to be heading for the Mystery Bitch. Mais non, the devious Napoleonic hare took us back up a sodding hill again, through a pretty cottage area with lots of lusty cottagers doing their thing, RS2H3-style (Lo Tsing Shan village) and eventually onto the catchwater road (where your scribe encountered the short-cutting One Eyed Jack and Stingray who had apparently left poor old Penile Dementia all on his todsome on the rambo trail).
See No Weevil then steamed past us, averting here eyes, and then we shortly encountered Radio 1 displaying her wares by the road side. She smuggled us an elicit ale each with a conspiratorial nudge-nudge and we were off on the final kilometre (there I go again – mile!). Down some steep steps past some posh condos, onto a road, through a tunnel, across Castle Peak Road and onto Cafeteria Beach where we were greeted by a large tricoleur and assorted happy Francophiles quaffing wine and munching on cheese and baguettes. A fine run in perfect running weather. Merci. Merde! Thank you…
The participants who got into the French dress theme most enthusiastically (minus those wearing the T-shirts) were, I recall, Stingray in a dainty raspberry beret, The Widow Wanky, Geriatric, the GM, Golden Balls and a horrible apparition straight from the Bois de Boulogne, Guy the Gay Hooker.
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A truly chaotic beach circle later ensued with the GM dispensing plonko blanco down-downs from a jeroboam while the RA, in his final act in office, produced something vaguely phallic from his pocket and waved it in the air: “The Pencil”, a newly introduced prop fashioned from a broomstick handle, to be awarded each week before the run by the hare to the scribe of the hare’s choice. This will of course change run ethos forever as hashers fall over each other to be nice to the hare before the off.
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Then it was the awards. Winners got a fancy bottle opener donated by RA2 Radio 1.
Crash of the Year
Nominees
1. Mango Groove (Run 1858, Tai Mo Shan) falling in the river and squealing like a bitch as we laughed at him
2. QT (Run 1859, Kong Nga Po) thinking he’s broken his ankle and squealing like a bitch as we laughed at him
3. Dram (lesser hash, Sai Kung) getting through treacherous, slippery stream bed shiggy only to fall flat on his face on a level concrete path
Winner: Dram
Hare of the Year
Nominees
Golden Balls: set equal most runs (5)
Liberace: set equal most runs (5), all of them unrecced

Back To The Future: new hasher, set the run where Mango fell in the river

Radio 1: new hasher, set two runs
Winner: Liberace
Run of the Year
Nominees
1845 (GB/Gaelle Says No, Man Kam To) joint run with FCH
1850 (Dingaling, Bride’s Pool Rd) great variety and some new stuff
1853 (Mango Groove, Sheung Tsuen) broke the great Go West’s long-standing record with a 6-minute trail
1867 (Liberace, Yuen Long) maddest shiggy ever, T-shirts torn to shreds
Winner: Mango Groove
It then remained but for the GM to cut off his onions and announce in random order the demise of the old rabble and the replacement new rabble:

GM Catch Of The Day

GM2 Geriatric

RA One Eyed Jack

RA2 Penile Dementia

Cash Golden Jelly

Beer Eunuch

Hares & Web Golden Balls

Gunpowder Plod (inaugural recipient of The Pencil)

Hares: Creme Brulee, Golden Balls, Radio 1

Runners: Velcro Lips, Free Rider, Kannot Finnish, No Rough Stuff, Dame Invade Her, Bunter, Wai Chi Cock, Robuster, Penile Dementia, Liberace, Luk Dim Boon + wife and daughter, Dram, T Bird, Back To The Future, Gunpowder Plod, Luk Sup Gow, Beer Tits, Phil, O’Bollocks, Crackpot, Golden Jelly, Mango Groove, One Eyed Jack, Stingray, Burning Lust, Rooted, See No Weevil, Sticky Sex Toy, Princess Cock Tosser, Geriatric

Non-runners: Motor Mouth, Widow Wanky, Catch Of The Day, North & South, Victim, Eunuch, Antiseptic, Travis, Ruth, Piss In Bucket

 

Run 1889, 14 November, Tsing Yi

Check Back Charlies

Tsing Ma

A welcome return to haredom by Penile Dementia after a year spent recovering from a ruptured cruciate ligament sustained after slipping on pebbles – at a party. You septuagenarian legend.

The start was at Tsing Wah Garden in the middle of Tsing Yi, and began with an ominous sounding warning from the hare to mind our heads. Out of the park and straight on to a red herring trail uphill that made it look as if the run would be on the southern of the island’s two massifs. But no – a check back, a short shiggy traverse and some Water Authority steps that took us back down to Tsing Yi Road West a little way from the start and across to the Tsing Yi Nature Trail on the northern massif.

At this point the pack was still very much together and most ran on to the obvious route, the steps up to the nature trail. Check back. Cue milling around running up and down the road with no sign of trail. But Eunuch and Golden Balls knew of a crafty set of steps around the corner on the road from the highway. And there they found trail.

Up, up and up, ducking under fallen trees and leaning fences until another check back led to a gap in the fence and access to the upland trails. There followed an excellent hash with numerous check backs that kept the back markers together until the rather long run in, with Golden Balls, Back To The Future, Stingray, Serbian Bomber and Golden Jelly taking turns in the lead until the next check back. I have no idea what happpened at the front of the pack, but it seems fair to assume that a similar lead-share scenario involved Mango Groove, Eunuch, Liberace, One Eyed Jack and Creme Brulee – and we all got fantastic night views of Tsing Ma Bridge from above.

At the finish there was Radio 1, Catch Of The Day and the early-returning Geriatric, who had done a pizza run. Nobody wanted to leave until the bucket was dry, always a sign of a good hash.

Hare: Penile Dementia

Runners: Mango Groove, Eunuch, Liberace, One Eyed Jack, Creme Brulee, Serbian Bomber, Back To The Future, Golden Balls, Stingray, Golden Jelly, Geriatric

Non-runners: Radio 1, Catch Of The Day