Report to come (Catch Of The Day)
Run 1940, Lam Tsuen, 2 October
Report to come (Mango Groove)
Run 1939, 28 September, Tung Lo Wan Hill — The Saturday Run No. 24
Secret Garden
The Weather
Hot, sunny and dry.
The Place
Tung Lo Wan Hill Garden, Tung Lo Wan Hill Road, Tai Wai
Getting There
Parking on meters opposite presented no problem as there were plenty of spaces and no PoPo appeared as they were busy in Hong Kong Island. However, our visitor Crazy German, walking from Tai Wai MTR, had to get directions from five locals, the last of whom, standing outside the gates to the garden, insisted that “there no garden here”.
The Briefing
The Hare, covered in flour and sweat, chalked up the markings in flour and chalk and told us there were both rambo and wimp runs but that the wimps was “short and boring”, prompting BJ, pointing at Stunt Double, to quip “Like him!”. (I heard later that Stunty tried to shunt BJ over a cliff on the run but was squewered by one of BJ’s poles for his efforts.)
The Run
Started at 1610hrs and I was behind at the first check, suspecting a trick. I was also behind at the second check and checked downhill the wrong way so I was on my own again at the back for most of the run but thankful that the front runners were marking checks.
After ascending many steps, we emerged in the tranquil grounds and buildings of the To Fung Shan christian retreat wheere an ecstatic Eunuch apparently went into paroxysms of giddy bliss when he realised that they were not Buddhist.
At the split on the steps beyond, bearing in mind the briefing, I chose the rambos, following the sound of giggling kids – Eunuch, Piss-in-Bucket and Ruth – below me. Down, down and down interminable steps went the trail beside a river in a ravine . Then finally over a bridge and up, up and up more interminable steps and slopes on the other side, passing temples and cottages and curious villagers.
Then it appeared that the pack had been flummoxed by a check-back for a while before discovering a little shiggy path off to the left wherein were crossed-out gay-hash markings (Royal South Side) that could have been there for a year or more as they were scrawled on a vertical rain-sheltered surface and it became clear that nobody had used this track for ages.
At least it was cool initially in the woods and I foolishly thought that the path would rejoin the concrete path further up. But no. Up and up and up it went, hottter and hotter and more airless it got and the hilltop ahead further and further away in the stifling shiggy. Finally I heard the squeaking of small voices ahead of me again and found Eunuch, Auntie Septic, Piss-in-Bucket and Ruth cavorting semi-naked in a pool. I was invited in but declined thinking that if I plunged in I might never get out again.
So I plodded on for the final 200 metres and emerged at a check marked left on a concrete path. This afforded splendid views down the valley to Shatin with temples in the forground.
I was finally able to break into a shuffle again and camed to another check with the trail leading down a shiggy path to the right which I handled quite well using my stick and bamboo for support. Here I was overtaken by a late-coming Mhd G-Spot and later by the Eunuch family.
Finally we hit a road past luxury houses and later a path which became so steep that I had to resort to walking backwards to save my knees. Thus it was that I returned in 1 hour 40 minutes, holding my red lantern and thinking that the briefing was somewhat inexplicit as to the true nature of the rambos…
The Circle
As not a single member of the N2TH3 mismanagement was present (other then webshite Golden Balls), the circle was ably and hilariously run by Liberace, who brought mismanagement lookalikes out one by one to punish. There were many other good down-downs awarded ……. but Mhd G-Spot called me in for “going backwards on trail” and renamed me “The Occidental Prune” – bloody cheek!
The On On
Most of the pack repaired by car to Fo Tan for Tsing Tao and dead pigeon etc… —Gunpowder Plod
Hare Golden Balls
Runners Golden Jelly, Eunuch, Auntie Septic, Piss-in-Bucket, Ruth, Hoover, Stunt Double, BJ, Liberace, G-Spot, Gunpowder Plod, Walky Talky, Kannot Finnish, Crazy German
Run 1938,25 September, Shek Mun
Pony and Crap
Did my usual trick of arriving just as the runners set off, only it should have been so much better. Left work early, got a tunnel bus and found myself at Hung Hom in plenty of time to catch the East Rail to Tai Wai and then the Ma On Shan line to Shek Mun. I’d even have enough time to change before we started. And it only got better – I managed to grab a seat for the East Rail sector.
So I joined the devolving human race in a hunched, myopic micro-examination of the delights of my mobile phone, emerging from that semi-comatose state as we pulled into the third station, Tai Wai. Why does it say Nam Cheong? Doh!
Anyway, the hare Stingray gave me a short cut that he said would get me “back in the game”, and indeed it did. After a jaunt along the Shing Mun nullah, trail started heading south toward the Lion Rock hills. In a little park where the parkie had tried his best to obliterate trail they caught me up. The “twail” of front-runner Liberace, with Eunuch bambiing along behind him, then Jason, and then some tall bloke who I later found out was visitor Crazy German. Mango Groove, Creme Brulee and Serbian Bomber followed on. Geriatric and Gunpowder Plod were also out on trail somewhere.
Stingray does love his closed checks and Ts, doesn’t he? And they kept the pack together pretty well. At a highway crossing I had the man go red on me and lost the pack, then lost the trail, so I intuited my way back to the park in Shek Mun that we’d started from, with Liberace charging past me on the on home. I finished with Eunuch. Geriatric, Plod and Crazy German were already there. Much later, Jason, Mango Groove and Creme Brulee trooped in, and then, much later, Serbian Bomber parping about his 11km run. Why was there such a gap?
Turned out that Liberace, first to the R/W split with Eunuch, had simply done his own trail because “that’s where we always go”. Even though there were no marks. Eunuch followed blindly. The actual rambo route went up to Tate’s Cairn Tunnel then along some apparently delightful trails on the mountainside before dropping back to Sha Tin. It’s been said before: never, EVER follow Liberace!
Back at the park, Back To The Future turned up having been unable to find the start, then Radio 1, to untooth accusations of us being a gay hash. With the top executives absent (Catch Of The Day on PR duty at the Rugby World Cup, One Eyed Jack on sick leave) Geriatric took the circle, assisted by Eunuch, whose suggestion that Jason be named Show Jumper (for his exhibitionist fence vaulting on the run) was rapidly corrupted by the circle to My Little Pony. Welcome, My Little Pony!
We weren’t finished, as Serbian Bomber took the reins and in inimitable fashion renamed Liberace Mango Groove and Mango Groove Liberace, then proceeded to award each a dozen down-downs. Could confuse a stupid person. For one night only. —Golden Balls
Hare Stingray
Runners Gunpowder Plod, Geriatric, Crazy German, Liberace, Eunuch, Golden Balls, My Little Pony, Mango Groove, Creme Brulee, Serbian Bomber
Non-runners Back To The Future, Radio 1
Run 1937, 18 September, Tsuen Wan
Nina’s Curse
Another cursed run from l’Hotel Nina.
No Rough Stuff! What an appropriate new hash name for Catch Of The Day I thought, since she has been on crutches for as long as I remembered. Shows you how long I have been absent from the NNTH3! We were all very disappointed the bucket this time was not located on 69th floor but is 3625! No signs of Eric neither! Sigh…
After a group photo with Gunpowder Plod masturbating on the right leg of a huge yellow blown up duck at the lobby, off we went. OneEye Jack has been obviously tipped off as he seemed to have got every check right until we got higher up on the hills. There were plenty of checks and several check backs which kept the group together, except Geriatric and Plod, who were never there. Me, Luk Dim Boon, however, managed to get almost every check wrong and was running around like a headless chicken.Cursed run, I knew it!
OEJ led most of the way, followed by Mango and Liberace, Penile Dementia, Creme Brulee and even Serbian Bomber all running together and that shows how good the markings were. Back to the Future very kindly brought along a virgin girl from Thailand on the run and I got a cheeky photo of her rounded bottom as she attempted to climb over a fence. Surprised I didn’t get any DD for that! Please come again! We all love virgins! The more the merrier!
The trail was pretty much all on concrete except in the lift that went up 36th floor which is on marble. Up and down, through some villages, about 7-8 km. Shortest rambo and wimps split I have ever seen (maybe 20 metres to the rejoin) , otherwise hare No Rough Stuff and her flour bitch Plod rightly deserved a few DD for their good effort!
At the circle, several members violated the dress code by not wearing bow ties. Back To The Future and her Thai girlfriend were stunned when COTD got off her top wearing only bowtie and a bra 🙂 Classic! Craft bottle beer at the bucket and hash cash reduced to $40 really showed how long the NNTH3 had been ripping off its members previously. Keep this up and I might even come next week! ( I gave $10 tips for the craft beer.) — Luk Dim Boon
Hares No Rough Stuff, Gunpowder Plod
Runners One Eyed Jack, Luk Dim Boon, Liberace, Mango Groove, Penile Dementia, Creme Brulee, Serbian Bomber, Back To Te Future, Thai girlfriend, Golden Jelly, Golden Balls
Non-runner Catch Of The Day
STOP PRESS
JOINT ACCORD
In what could be interpreted as a bizarre expression of solidarity with the GM, RA One Eyed Jack and occasional hash pin-up boy Ginger Moon broke their ankles within days of each other.
We look forward to welcoming them back to the hash and anticipate the first triple-crutch run in history. Probably.
Run 1936, 11 September, Sheung Shui
The Usual Sheung Shui Shambles
“It’s a short run, so don’t do the wimps ‘coz the rambos is less than 1km extra,” said Penile dementia while vaguely pointing at some strange hieroglyphics he’d chalked up on the floor.
A miserable turnout this week compared to last – it just goes to show that hashing is all about promising a cheap curry.
Not to worry though, we had the hash elite this week – no chicks of course as they are crap, instead we had the mighty Mango Groove, One Eyed “this photo of me at the top of Mt Fuji isn’t photoshopped, honest” Jack, beardy sensation Crème Brulee, Sole Man fresh from Korea, Liberace fresh from his rounds as a door to door sex man, Eunuch fresh from the beer fridge at the 7-11, and Golden Balls who was fresh from a taxi 5 mins after the run had actually started.
What a spanker of a run! The pack spent almost 15 mins on the first check, and eventually had to go back and ask the hare which way to go.
Thanking the hare for his kind words of direction (“It’s right at the first check, you fucking idiots!”) we all trotted off into the outer darkness of Fanling (Kai Leng and Chong Tsin Leng villages) where there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.
First to get lost were One Eyed Jack and Eunuch – both fancying a short cut, but were rewarded by a dead end and a snarling dog. Next was Liberace, who after joining the rambos lost his shit when failing to find trail. That left the unlikely Franco-Lutono-Korean trinity of Creme Brulee, Mango and Sole Man to solve the one and only rambo check. “I solved it!” bragged Mango upon arriving home. “The trail came directly back to the wimps,” he explained to the pack who’d been waiting almost half an hour for his return.
Golden Balls on the other hand had turned up late in a taxi, had been given instructions by the hare on how to catch the pack up and due to leapfrogging the first check was catapulted to the front of the pack where he stayed for the duration of the run, oblivious to the bloody idiots behind him.
The circle included dancing girls, karate, lots of booze and some horrible T-shirts.
— Eunuch
Hare Penile Dementia
Runners Golden Balls, One Eyed Jack, Eunuch, Liberace, Mango Groove, Sole Man, Creme Brulee
Run 1935, 4 September, Sheung Tsuen
Too Tasty For Yer
To hare is human. To forgive this debacle impossible.
At least the third attempt by hare QT to perform in an area crying out for a decent run. If what we do in life echoes in eternity then the bones of run 1934 are indeed doomed to rattle on into eternity. Maybe even longer.
7.30pm. A reasonable crowd assembled in and around the pagoda at Sheung Tsuen Park. Unusual to see Golden Balls clutching a half empty bottle of Tsing Tao (that’s not unusual—Ed), but this was before the run. Several chest-puffing peacock-strutting septuagenarians heralded something as infrequent as a Dram wallet sighting…wait for it…a NEW RUNNER!!! In sports bra and figure-hugging bicycle shorts she cut a dashing figure. We’d need to be on our mettle to impress. Sadly Camilla didn’t drink and it was as obvious as the balls on a tall dog that by evenings end to her we’d still look like the fat balding ugly bastards we were. So it goes.
Off we set at break-neck speed down the road towards Kam Tin then plunged left into the villages and farms. A brief sighting of the infamous Sek Kong water pipe then around and around and around – back onto the same trail and around and around and around. For me the high point was the very satisfying shite taken half way around. Did anyone do the full run? I didn’t think so. Perhaps Jason and one or two others.
Radio 1 returned admitting she’s been daft enough to do the split where the right-hand option looped back on to the trail leading to the split. Not once but twice.
Back at the pagoda Golden Balls was clutching himself, a new bottle of Tsingtao and dreaming of sheep. He hadn’t run. He’d been SP. So it goes.
A speedy circle ensued and it was off to Tasty House for a curry and more beer. A great turnout that saw the reappearance of a sharp dressed Stringfellow with daughter Jasmine. Dram’s sparring partner Harold also joined the throng and was rumoured to have been something to do with the appearance of our new runner. But what do I know. I doubt she’ll be back – well if she’s stranded in Hong Kong, perhaps.
With the help of Messers Vin Der Liu and Carl Sberg the evenings earlier farce was soon forgotten. A green aura of bonhomie prevailed and all was good. God was in his heaven.
As the clock struck midnight we fell into Stingray’s luxurious BMW and were driven home with the stars winking through the sunroof and the strains of some ’80s techno-shite on the stereo. Crisis? What crisis? ON ON — Fartypants
Hares QT, Golden Balls
Runners Eunuch, Liberace, Creme Brulee, Serbian Bomber, Stingray, Jason, Dram, Gunpowder Plod, G-Spot, Jasmine, Walky Talky, Fartypants, Mango Groove, Karina, Radio 1
Non-runners Harold, Stringfellow, Golden Jelly
Fujineers
A kung hei to all the hashers who summited Fuji on Monday, 2 September. Take a bow, Jessica, Josh, Dingaling, BJ, Electrolux, One Eyed Jack, Pushover and Catch Of The Day. Honorary mention to Geriatric who made a heroic attempt.
