Run 1816, 2 August, Kowloon Reservoir

How To Win The Hash

Long shadow gold medal with a hash tag

The Northern New Territories Hash sank to a new low on this night when perpetual backmarker and chubber Golden Balls was the first rambo home – without shortcutting! How did we reach this sorry state, and what is to be done?

Kowloon Reservoir by night can be creepy, what with all those monkeys hooting in the dark or trying to grab your bag. So Sticky wisely moved the start of her run from the gloomy pagoda at the end of the dam to the brightly lit car park on Tai Po Road. There were still hordes of simian vermin around, but at least you could see ’em coming!

Normal marks, chalk, flour, paper, said the hare. A “T” means go back to the check. There’s a rambo trail, a wimp trail and a super-wimp, which I marked “LSW” – you’ll see why! Don’t follow shredded paper! And with this peculiar directive, Liberace led the runners off along Tai Po Road, followed shortly by latecomers Dingaling and Golden Jelly.

The first check led the pack up steps and through shiggy, but soon returned to the road. A second diversion went through more shiggy to emerge on the road that leads to the dam. Liberace, My Neck In, QT and Penile Dementia were setting the pace, with GB unsurprisingly in the rear.

Left at the pagoda and along the gently undulating trail, so far so predictable. Then, instead of going to Reception Reservoir, trail went down a long flight of steps to a service road, where we found the super-wimp split, which nobody did, having been warned that it would be a very short run. But wait – what’s this? Shredded paper? AND flour? Two sets of markings on the same trail? On a dark path, GB saw lights heading towards him. Checkback? No, it was Little Sai Wan hashers coming in the opposite direction on their wimps trail.

At a check next to a stream, also marked as the LSW R/W split, trail went steeply uphill. GB, who had passed Dram, Gunpowder Plod and Serbian Bomber, could hear the increasingly frantic Liberace somewhere below him shouting “Are you! Are you! ARE YOU!???” He could also hear Penile Dementia calling trail above him, so up he went, gently calling trail, to join forces with Penile and Flo as Liberace’s strangled yelps faded from earshot in the murk. Little did they know it, but this decrepit trio was now in the lead.

A beautiful stretch of path through bamboo followed, still with flour and shredded paper, emerging at a road that soon led to a fenced-off covered reservoir. There was a check, and somebody had put a “T” next to it in one direction. The trio chose to go through this T, rightly surmising that it was put there by LSW (whose trail went in the other direction) and soon found unequivocal NNT markings on the drainage culvert that arched up and around the reservoir. A check at the end of the culvert fooled Penile, but GB found the way along the road below that led back to the super-wimp split and ultimately back to Tai Po Road for a half-mile run in. Dram, Plod, Golden Jelly and Dingaling (who had done a shorter trail) were astonished to see chubber GB storming in first, closely followed by PD and Flo. Fellow chubber QT was next, revealing how Liberace had led him and My Neck In astray at the point where his strangled yelps had been heard by GB, and how, when they had got to the super-wimp split, Liberace had inexplicably turned left onto the out trail, taking My Neck In with him, despite the obvious home-trail arrow pointing straight ahead. Serbian Bomber, Liberace and My Neck In duly trickled in as everybody enjoyed the outraged Liberace’s accusations of shit markings, non-calling and every other excuse going. The ensuing circle was memorable for PD and MY Neck In’s vigorous policing of the surrounding macaque army. A very nice 6km summer run.

Two morals to this story: first, with the right mix of craft, stealth and luck, you too can win the hash; and second, NEVER, EVER FOLLOW LIBERACE! – Cock Of Space

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Hare: Sticky Apid Bottom Exudate

Runners: Dingaling, Golden Jelly, Gunpowder Plod, Dram, Golden Balls, Penile Dementia, Flo, QT, Serbian Bomber, Liberace, My Neck In

Non-runner: Luk Sup Gow

Run 1815, 26 July, San Tin

Phantom On My Trail

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Location: somewhere along the road running parallel to the west side of the highway heading south from Mai Po.
As I arrived at the ‘funeral parlour’, with a crippled Moonie in tow, who only came for the dirge, the runners were gathered and itching to set off.  After quickly donning my upper decker flopper stopper and such, I jogged down the road to find… Moonie but no pack. Everyone had been sent off on their merry bloody way and I was alone. “Oh, don’t worry, that frog said he would wait but we told him you would catch up, so he started walking.” said Dingers the hare and Moonie. Cheers guys, not! The thing is, I love the night runs but hate the dark! Especially when I’m alone! Eeeeeeeeek!!!
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Nevertheless, I shot off in hope of catching Flo or anyone that would make a better sacrifice should I happen to come across any death eaters.  This feat shouldn’t have been so bad, but an unmarked check threw me away from that hope.  As I wound along little concrete paths with a few dogs woofing behind their fences, I came to a check that sent me through a gate into a wooded area with a few graves. Ploughing on in hope of hearing runners, there was a road winding around the back of a villa sending us then along a culvert onto more graves and lots of rustling……crap,  crap,  crap! !!!!  Golden Balls and Golden Jelly had obvious plans for hanging at the back, quick roll in the hay in a grave area on the hill. Hurry along TD! Leave them to fulfil their fantasy!
Trail then meandered up the grassy hillside to the top, and the rustling and whinging of… the GM!  I plodded on diagonally down the hillside to the adjoining hill, hearing shouts from Serbian like “You short cutting bastard!”  Ahem, “I’m on trail and calling but you ain’t following the call so sod off!” I politely replied.😇
A trig point up ahead, and a skiddy, gravelled, bushy, steep, downhill track (lots of adjectives for the ed), led us onto a dark, quiet road going somewhere. Still no sign of Flo,  he seems to be an FRB wannabee. I had heard him up the hill but he must’ve hopped off faster knowing more poms were bring up the rear.
Anyway, the road went on, and on, and on. Then a road split and an unmarked check. Bah humbug! Bloody FRBs not marking again!!!  So on I carried along the road, eventually arriving at a military camp… gulp!  No trail so far, so trailing back there was another split… nothing… almost back at the check… Serbian plods along saying “This way!”  Looking at the check with a rubber car mat on it, I could only presume that the two next people I met, hanging outside a yard, had played silly buggers and messed with our markings. Grrrrrrrrr. Ching Chong China Man has a lot to answer for. So I had a companion for a moment, then ran off on my merry way, happy to be on trail.
Golden Jelly and GB were up ahead, wobbling along the top of a concrete embankment of a shallow culvert, where at the end we crossed through a yard of dogs onto a main road running parallel to the highway. Must be almost on home, I thought. Markings were hard to see throughout, and GB and KY caught up again as I pondered. “Let’s go this way, along the soon-to-be new cycle track, it’s much more interesting than a road.” says GB, leading his lemmings astray. And just like lemmings,  we gladly followed, happy to get off of the concrete!
I had waited for Golden Jelly to alert her to the diversion, then ran on to catch up with GB, who was oblivious to any sound other than the pounding of his huge feet on the dried, muddy terrain. GB slowed to a walk at which point I spoke. “Keep going or move over!” were the words that caused poor GB to yell in fear and jump out of his skin. Highly amusing, and that happened a few times! Nervous old bean!
After a race to the bucket, we were welcomed to the arms of the pack where the circle shortly began. Plenty of shit was thrown in, none of which I can remember except Moonie being done for locking me outside in our yard with the dogs to kill a ginormous Samuel Whiskers rat! Such a brave ex-commando, Moonie!
Thanks for a great run Dingaling.
On On – Tangerine Dream🍊☁

Hare: Dingaling

Runners: Tangerine Dream, Golden Balls, Golden Jelly, Serbian Bomber, Liberace, Flo, Gaelle Says No, G-Spot, Penile Dementia

Non-runner: Moonie

Run 1814, 19 July, Kam Tin

Are There No Rules???

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As there are no rules on the hash. the story really starts when the two cripples. Geriatric and D Ram, were sauntering along the on-in by the nullah.  Whilst D Ram stopped for a comfort stop, Geriatric probed around in a lay-by under the bridge and discovered a couple of pallets of beverages, which had been done over by the local junkies looking for a quick high.  large cans allegedly containing 12% alco pop looked tempting, so we bagged a few tinnies as roadies for the next mile. The sweet strawberry flavour was bordering on disgusting, and it was decided that these would be perfect for down downs.

The GM’s revenge was just as sweet as the alco-pop, with me (Geriatric) seeming to get most of it, whilst being nominated as scribe. Now what I know, but the GM doesn’t apparently realise, is that old age plus beer plus alcopop does nothing for the memory of the last couple of hours, so recollections are somewhat dim.

At the start, hare One Hung Lo was reluctant to disclose anything about distance, estimated time or even the start direction, with effectively a starting check (is there a rule about this?). For the few who had arrived by MTR, it was fairly obvious that a directissima to the station could work, so after a couple of checks found the pack in the station forecourt to come across a precisely marked arrow going (compass wise) N,NE,N,N,W somehow indicating we should go through KSR and out the other side.  I did later query the hare on the kinky arrow with a hook on the end and he said “well thats the way my mind works”, so what does tell us?

Once clear of the MTR, trail wended southish, to muttering of “the 500 steps” {GB later claimed that there are 582 steps – who’s to argue with that). But up they did go, and along and up and down through checks and vicious splits, arriving back in 80 or so mins.  D RAM and the scribe decided to take the cautious approach along the ground level contour.

Meanwhile, back on trail, they went left after the 582 and down to the Tai Lam Tunnel Interchane, from whence, after a promisin start, it was an interminably long road run through Kam Tin, maybe 4km of hardtop, some said boring, and some even took a taxi back, Golden Balls not looking at you!

Meanwhile French newby Flo (Florent) had his hash baptism and seemed to like it. Let’s hope he doesn’t expect interminable hardtop next time.

Back at the bucket, Hard Up was sitting pretty with a few of the girls, a bucket of salad, and phone in hand trying to order pizza from an unmanned answering service.   A couple of local darkies seemed to have joined the bucket, but it wasn’t immediately clear if they were old members, or “just here for the beer” – it may have even been their stash of alcopops that we nicked. Howver, upon them lighting up, it became clear that they weren’t “of us”, and cleared off quick.

GM brought the circle to order, admonishing the few, leading up to my alcopop down downs, whereupon all other memories dissoved.  Another splendid hash and a good night was had by all. – Geriatric

Hare: One Hung Lo

Runners: QT, Serbian Bomber, Geriatric, D Ram, Tangerine Dream, Flo, Catch Of The Day, Penile Dementia, Golden Jelly, Mango Groove, G-Spot, Golden Balls, Liberace, Gaele Says No, Big Moany

Non-runners: Electrolux, Beer Tits, Phil, Luk Sup Gow

Run 1812, 5 July, Sheung Shui

Zzzzzip!

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“It’s 8.5 kilometres,” declared hare Mango Groove as he briefed us on a hot, humid night following a day of chucking rain. “I hope the flour’s still there – the chalk has probably gone. There’s toilet paper. Oh yes, and when I was in the shiggy the toilet paper ran out. But don’t worry, I set a nice white fixed rope to get you to the bottom of the hill. One trail only. It’s that way, but I’ll be surprised if you get more than 800 metres.”

This dire prediction seemed set to come true, as we jogged carefully through the park and out along the cycle track towards the industrial area. Finally, in the tunnel, an arrow was detected. On past the factory buildings, with nary a mark to be seen. The an arrow, and another, and another, and suddenly there was obvious trail winding through villages until we reached Man Kam To Road. Here, as the container trucks roared past, we lost trail again, suicidally crossing and recrossing this death trap boulevard. It was Penile Dementia who finally found trail up a nondescript road that seemed to lead to a yard but was actually a road, and east we headed on rising ground.

After a while it became clear that we had entered the western end of the military ridge road above Gallipoli Lines, or whatever the PLA call it now. This is a road of very steep switchbacks made slippery by slime mould and treacherous by rain. The non-grip brigade of G-Spot and Golden Jelly were reduced to waddling the downs like petrified ducks. We’d been on hardtop for ages and it was getting boring. Where was the promised shiggy?

Then it came. Trail went off road south to the trig point, and then – nothing. The pack came together at the top of the hill as the notes of a booming PLA disco rose up like a kite. Nothing on the trails north and south. Nothing on the road heading east. Finally Eunuch, Catch Of The Day, G-Spot and Golden Balls opted for the steep path downhill to the south, reasoning that that would be the direction home and Mango did say he ran out of toilet paper. But where was the fixed rope?

Meanwhile, at the trig point, Penile Dementia, Liberace and Golden Jelly continued to look for trail, and just as the four southerners reached the bottom of the hill Penile Dementia could be heard calling trail at the top. Three of them said “Sod that, I’m not going back up that hill.” But one turned round. Amazingly it was serial short-cutter Golden Balls.

At the top of the hill was Golden Jelly. Penile Dementia was already beyond sound or vision; Liberace had also disappeared, but not on trail. The two remainders cast around unsuccessfully for trail for quite some time, pushing through high vegetation to no avail. Finally Golden Jelly found it, a good two flour blobs back along the trail leading to the trig point. It was surmised that there had been a checkback at the trig that had been washed away.

Paper led steeply downhill through what looked like freshly trampled trail, then ran out. But here was the promised fixed white rope, a blessing on the difficult terrain. Suddenly GJ was attacked by bees and both hashers slid with alacrity down the fixed rope like it was a zip line. Probably the fastest 50-metre descent in the history of hashdom. And just to rub it in, on hitting the graves at the bottom the pair were welcomed by a snake, although it’s even money who was the most startled.

Out to villages and concrete paths through fields, the Jockey Club Road leading back to the start/finish in the park.

The short circle was dominated by Penile Dementia: five crashes, and the first hasher (of only three) to do the whole trail, the four short-cutters castigated with “Shame on you youngsters short-cutting while a 70-year-old finishes first!”

Then on to Chan Luk Gay for a rare on on. – Cock Of Space

Hare: Mango Groove

Runners: Penile Dementia, Golden Jelly, Golden Balls, Liberace, Eunuch, Catch Of The Day, G-Spot

Run 1811, 28 June, Chau Tau

The Blood-fest

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The view from the top – sort of

A mosquito-infested pagoda at Chau Tau was the meeting place chosen by hare Golden Balls for this eve-of-handover-20th-anniversary run. Serial on-outer Bukkake (or “Bookakkke” as he now styles himself) was first to arrive at the blood-fest, along with Catch Of The Day, closely followed by Geriatric, Liberace (who was in for a fraught night), Eunuch, Mango Groove, Dingaling and Velcro Lips.

Golden Balls plodded in some time before 7.30, fresh from setting the trail (although “fresh” is perhaps not the most apt of words to describe his condition) and loudly deplored the absence of iced beer, Golden Jelly having not yet arrived with same. He seized Bookakke’s bottle of lukewarm water before instructing the assembled hashers to clear off along a narrow path heading east through Chau Tau adding, for good measure, that there was no wimp option.

The trail wound its way amongst alleys and lanes for a few hundred metres before joining Castle Peak Road and crossing to the south side of the highway and Kwu Tung. Before long, however, we were heading uphill on steps and then shiggy to the summit of Ki Lun Shan, from where spectacular views of Shenzhen were briefly taken in, before a steep descent of the hill’s northern face brought the hashers back down to the Kwu Tung road, under the highway to Castle Peak Road, and on home. A most enjoyable and well-marked one-hour-plus trail.

Back at the start, a courting couple occupied the pagoda, despite the presence of two iced eskies, crates of booze and several backpacks, and proceeded to look uneasy as the hare set up the finish. The hare took pity on them, offering beer, softies, snacks and even mosquito repellent before abandoning the venue to the canoodlers. Happily, in the ensuing melee (see below), they “melted away into the night”.

A most unfortunate accident befell Liberace during the pre-circle wind-down. It involved the mysterious sudden slamming of Golden Jelly’s open car door and an unexpected and wholly regrettable injury to Liberace’s pinkie. The men in the white van were summoned to the scene, Liberace taken on board accompanied by Golden Jelly, and the other hashers waved farewell to them before commencing the serious business of the circle.

Bookakke’s latest on out (his fourth in four years), spectacularly upstaged by the Curious Incident of the Car Door in the Night Time, was celebrated with a degree of scepticism before the group dispersed into the darkness.  – A very jet-lagged “Bookakke”

Hare: Golden Balls

Runners: Geriatric, Eunuch, Liberace, Mango Groove, Dingaling, Bukkake, Catch Of The Day, Golden Jelly, Velcro Lips, Dingaling

Non-runners: Tangerine Dream, Ginger Moon