Report:
Run 1554, November 7, 2012
Hare: Golden Balls
It was US presidential election day, and to mark this historic event we present a dramatisation – by Bogbrush
BBC WORLD SERVICE
Hi. Tonight we are covering the election of one of the world’s most powerful men…….
and I understand from our correspondent on the G-Spot that he is about to begin to
undress his audience.
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
First, I want to thank all my supporters who were misguided enough to support my re-election.
(Applause) We can work together to make the world a better place. I swear on my Carlsberg that I will leave no check unmarked to help you all move forward.
BESOTTED FOLLOWERS
No check unmarked. No check unmarked.
No check unmarked. No check unmarked.
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
No hasher will be left behind.
BESOTTED FOLLOWERS
No hasher’s left behind. No hasher’s left behind. No hasher’s right behind
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
Together we can overcome any obstacle, any shiggy, any shaggy.
BESOTTED FOLLOWERS
Yes, we can. Yes, we can. Give me a can. Lob over a can. Carlsberg can. Carlsberg can.
MANGO GROOVE
What about the Batty Boys?
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
There are no Batty Boys on my hash. Stand up straight in the circle. Arms by your side.
Move at least two inches from the person next to you. There must be daylight.
WALKIE TALKIE
Only two inches. Only two inches. That’s ree dick ulous.
Only two inches. Only two inches. That’s ree dick ulous.
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
Down Down for interrupting the GM. Knickers down down.
GOLDEN BALLS
Down Down – Down Down! Give me a down down. I want a nickers down down.
EUNUCH
Gunpowder Plod. November 7. He’s only two days away from being a terrorist.
Hear me oh yea. Hear me oh yea. I swear on the New Testicles.
BESOTTED FOLLOWERS
Hear him oh yeah. New testicles. New testicles.
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
I have no connection with my famous ancestor. He was an unmitigated failure.
STINGRAY
You are not denying you are related to him then. So, there
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
Arrest that Stingray. He’s a Hong Kong Hash implant.
STINGRAY
Get off my arm. My shoulder’s frozen. (Muttering) Dogs – Taxis – Taxis – Dogs
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
No excuses! Give him a Carlsberg. That’ll warm him up. We all need warming up. Light the blue touch paper Guy. Don’t fail again. You’ve had enough chances. it’s been hundreds of years.
DRAM
(Speaking with a pronounced Scottish burr or is it bare or bear) Light it. Blow ‘em all up begorrah. Sassenach oppressors. Freedom for the Scots. We want an independent Scotland.
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
Quiet all Wimps. Only Rambos are allowed to speak. I have spoken.
ONE-EYED JACK
I’m a Rambo. I demand a voice. And I (boos) …. And I ….(More boos)
VOICE FROM THE CROWD
You’re less than a Wimp. You’re not GM anymore. So there.
ONE-EYED JACK
You’ll get it in a minute. (His face contorted in impotent rage), Equal rights for the disabled.
DRAM
(Spluttering) What are you talking about man? (splutter) You didn’t do the run. You have no right to blather on.
(Spluttering) What are you talking about man? (splutter) You didn’t do the run. You have no right to blather on.
LSG
You Scotties can never agree. Independence! Pah! When Portsmouth win the Champions League.
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
All Scotch in the circle. (Hollywood flourish) I mean now, now. And MSG. Food additives will be next.
DRAM and ONE-EYED LACK walk sheepishly, eyes cast down, into the circle.
Yes GM. The union. Up the GM. (Muttering) Stick it up the GM. The union. La Union. Angeles. Pattaya. Walking Street. Angeles.
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
Angeles. Wanchai. Walking Street. Down Down. Get ‘em down down. Wait while I take the blue pill.
LSG
That’s Status Quo from the seventies. I’ve got a blue pill you can have. Ever since the wedding, I don’t need them anymore.
That’s Status Quo from the seventies. I’ve got a blue pill you can have. Ever since the wedding, I don’t need them anymore.
ONE-EYED JACK
Wake up GM. Wake up! The circle’s over.
PLOD
What happened? (Rubbing his bleary eyes) Where am I?
What happened? (Rubbing his bleary eyes) Where am I?
BBC CORRESPONDENT
Here at Leafy Glade the Hash is over. Let’s hear from our correspondent, BogBrush, what happened.
BOGBRUSH
OK guys – I mean hashers – let’s get serious. This was a formidable, technical hash. Bear witness to MANGO GROOVE
MANGO GROOVE
Too long for me. I’m more used to doing lengths of the swimming pool.
Too long for me. I’m more used to doing lengths of the swimming pool.
BOGBRUSH
We started across the road from Leafy Glade. Took a left along the road and then a right into the village on the opposite side of the road to the Glade. One path merged into another as the intrepid hashers solved every cunning check devised by the history mare. First, MANGO lumbered into the lead. At the next check, WALKIE TALKY slinked to the front. Then STINGRAY with the crazed eyes of a man on a mission, bulldozed his way to the lead. Finally with an ironic quip of “ Thanks guys for marking the check.” EUNUCH hopped to the front. Meanwhile, with his metronomic stride sounding like an old grandfather clock, GUNPOWDWDER PLOD waddled along in the baggage train in the van – never too far away. “I did a hundred kilo crawl this morning.” he bleated vainly. Yours truly was trailing the main pack of grizzled Hash veterans by a sliver while somewhere in the background was the eerie presence of the mystery hare with his rhythmic slurping of the amber liquid like waves lapping on a ghostly hash beach.
We started across the road from Leafy Glade. Took a left along the road and then a right into the village on the opposite side of the road to the Glade. One path merged into another as the intrepid hashers solved every cunning check devised by the history mare. First, MANGO lumbered into the lead. At the next check, WALKIE TALKY slinked to the front. Then STINGRAY with the crazed eyes of a man on a mission, bulldozed his way to the lead. Finally with an ironic quip of “ Thanks guys for marking the check.” EUNUCH hopped to the front. Meanwhile, with his metronomic stride sounding like an old grandfather clock, GUNPOWDWDER PLOD waddled along in the baggage train in the van – never too far away. “I did a hundred kilo crawl this morning.” he bleated vainly. Yours truly was trailing the main pack of grizzled Hash veterans by a sliver while somewhere in the background was the eerie presence of the mystery hare with his rhythmic slurping of the amber liquid like waves lapping on a ghostly hash beach.
Anyway, the trail meandered down to Ping Long Village and then the pack crossed over the Lam Tsuen Rood and returned by a circuitous but oft-travelled route back to Leafy Glade.
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
You haven’t mentioned Dram.
BOGBRUSH
Well, if the inverse of the mystery hare is the hystery masher then that person was DRAM. Just like a Scot at the end of a night’s drinking, he managed to do a disappearing act. He is
adamant he did the WIMP’S but when the mystery hare was confronted with the question:
“Where was RAMBO’S – WIMP’S split? – He just chuckled, mysteriously, and DRAM had disappeared before the answer came.
PRESIDENT GUNPOWDER PLODORAMA
Any more down-downs from the floor.
SILENCE
BBC WORLD SERVICE
That’s the end of this hash mission.
BOGBRUSH
Wait. Wait a minute. Honour to the brave victor. With a late surge STINGRAY crawled over the finish line, his trembling hand outstretched for his slurp of life-giving Carlsberg.
That’s definitely the end of this transmission.
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| The lightning-fast Eunuch smells beer |
Northern New Territories Hash 