Northern New Territories Hash

Report – Run 1561
The Great Boxing Day Hoax

Merry friggin Christmas to you too

How did it happen? How did the Northern New Territories Hash in Fanling on Boxing Day, a rare daylight run, become swamped with Little Sai Waners? How is it that neither group knew the other was coming? Why were there two sets of confused runners milling around at the start eyeing each other up suspiciously? And why were the advertised hares, Golden Jelly and Catch of the Day, setting off with the pack? There was something very fishy going on…
Rumour had it that one group had “parasitized” the other, but with each group claiming precedence it was difficult to know. Another rumour had it that NT Hash Hare Raiser Golden Balls and Little Sai Wan stalwart and sometime NT runner Catch of the Day had hatched a diabolical plot during their secret trysts recceing January’s run for the Free China Hash. The labyrinthine web of uncertainty, the tissued maze of shifting perspectives, was only exacerbated by the presence of supposed hare Golden Jelly, claiming she couldn’t set the run after straining her neck in bed that morning, and Inflatadate, who had invited the NT Hash to his run earlier in the month, only to be told that we don’t like joint runs. Nobody was talking; it seems the truth will forever be a mystery.
On to the run, set over roughly the same terrain as Catch of the Day’s run for the NT Hash earlier this year, except this time Russian hasher Ivana Nucock was the hare. The philosophical differences were laid bare in a brief exchange before the start, with GB lamenting how he felt like a pig had shat in his brain after getting drunk on Christmas Day, and Ivana Nucock responding with “Why do you want to get drunk?” The differences were also revealed in choice of kit, with LSW runners in cutting-edge running gear sipping electrolyte beverages while the NT crowd took to the field in scruffy old cotton teeshirts, beaten-up sneakers and a fortifying tinnie of tramp juice. And so this motley collection of hashers set off, up into the hills, through some good, blood-drawing shiggy, and all differences were forgotten in each individual’s personal struggle with the elements and his or her own private Valhalla…er, no, it was a hash. Canto Felcher, sporting go-faster Bradley Wiggins sideburns, thrashed it out at the front with Monkey Shot, with Canto prevailing, and Catch of the Day third. NT pride was restored with a clean sweep of the wimps’ medals: Golden Balls taking gold in a thrilling sprint finish with Bogbrush, and Golden Jelly third. Other finishers included One Eyed Jack, Stunt Double, Dram, Salesman and Stingray. A good trail with 6.5km for the rambos and 4.5km for the wimps.
Afterwards, with duelling mulled wine from Golden Balls and Canto Felch on offer, the one spiked with rum and the other with vodka (subsequently combined to the improvement of both), GM2 Salesman looked dazed running the circle, pulling off a passable Tommy Cooper impersonation. All sorts of posh food was put out for grazing on – at a price. Bobbledick, currently living in a tent to save on rent, had brought his own tupperware container of unappetizing boiled vegetables to save money, which he proceeded to wave under people’s noses while decrying their unhealthy eating habits. Eunuch turned up, still nursing broken ribs, and then Luk Sup Gow and Beer Tits, who wasted no time getting stuck in to the mulled wine. Each had sprog in tow. As dusk fell more posh food went on the barbie – salmon, scallops – and the hard-core of both hashes settled around the table to smoke the pipe of peace.

Editor’s note: Some of this report is untrue.

Next week’s run: Velcro Lips