It’s been a hectic week for the Northern New Territories, starting with the special run in the newly opened ex-Frontier Closed Area on June 10 (we have a Bogbrush dramatisation to remember it with), followed by the dragon boat racing on June 12 (where we finished 7th in the repechage final), and leading to tomorrow, June 19, Why So Syria’s last run as N2TH3 hare and on-out before he goes back to Septicland.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Start: Pagoda at Tai Shui Hang
Easy to reach, car park adjacent.
Short walk from Tai Shui Hang MTR station, Exit B, via subway.
Bus 299 from Sha Tin.
BREAKING WIND ON THE HASHINGTON POST
Dateline Hong Kong, June 10, 2013
He shrugs when you compare him to Wellington or Nelson,
but many are hailing him as a tactical genius. I am standing
next to General Balls of the Northern New Territories Hash.
It’s G-Balls. Golden Balls to be precise.
We’re standing at the start of this hash triumph in the
Tsung Pak Long Village pagoda near Sheung Shui MTR.
I understand General Golden that if you and your motley
band of hashers had done this hash run yesterday, you would
have run afoul of the Chinese authorities.
In the gulags without doubt.
We are the first HHH group ever to run in the Closed Area.
Hooray. Cheers. We showed them. Rhubarb.
We’re the greatest. Down with the imposters.
The history makers were: Plod (GM), Velcro Lips, G-Spot, Dingaling,
BogBrush, Desperate Dan, Eunuch, Mango Groove, Salesman,
Walky Talky, Ginger Moon, Dram, T-bird, LSG, Tangerine Dream.
Injured: Farty Pants – thrush; LSG – Gout; Dram-
Salmon complex disorder. Golden Jelly (SP).
How did you manage to outwit rival hashes?
We did what Obama’s Hash couldn’t do
– kept it a secret. Over to my Genetically Modified
Leader – Plod!
(Hurrump – Clears his throttle)
When Golden Balls put the plan to me,
I realized the need for absolute secrecy.
Certain measures were put in place.
Despite these measures, there was a leak.
It’s yer age. Old git. No control. Incontinent – etc
Hash Silence!!!! Upon arriving at the aforesaid pagoda,
I carefully attached my eye to a telescope that I had
brought halong for the very purpose of spotting likely hintruders
in the form of the Ong Kong Hash and their co-conspirators,
the Kowloon Hash.
We started early to forestall them.
Has I was looking through the aforementioned hinstrument,
I spotted the powdered wigs of the Hong Kong Hash bobbing
about in Shatin Pass. They were attached by what seemed to be
umbilical cords to the Carlsberg beer truck, clearly at the end of
They almost got here before us.
Has I was saying, my heart missed a beat when I saw that
the sweaty varlets of Kowloon Hash in their vain quest to outflank us,
had reached Tai Po Market Station before they realized, with
a huge breaking of wind, the forlorn nature of their quest.
Eh? What language is he speaking? it’s not English.
Even so, I took the hadded precaution of moving the
start inside the newly opened gate to the Closed
Viewers. That was a move of tactical genius worthy of the Desert Fox
or David Beckham!
That’s absurd. He looks nothing like a fox.
More like a buff…….
Silence for the hare.
The run was marked in the usual – chalk, flour and paper.
On the way round, there was a firework show to celebrate.
It was a well-marked trail but I followed Walky Talky
most of the way.
He told me he couldn’t see in the dark.
I walked at the back with Tangerine Dream, Velcro,
Ginger Moon, but still managed to get lost.
VELCRO LIPS AND TANGERINE DREAM
We were talking about shopping and lost trail.
It’s amazing what tricks the mind plays.
I was running with Mango Groove and Eunuch
when we started on the out-trail again.
It was so ordained by one greater than us.
It’s all part of his great plan. Hal…….
When we ran into Bogbrush, we turned tail and
hared back to retrace our steps. Shocking sight.
I knew we were wrong but …… (Cries of Rubbish)
Incident packed and historic. Well, today the Northern New Territories
Hash clearly made Hash History. And when that happens, an appearance
in the Great Hall of the Hashers is clearly called for.
(Sound of thunder rumbling in the distance. Spotlight on BALLS and JELLY
as they relax in bed after their triumph)
I told you not to drink so many roadies.
I get tired of pushing that wheelbarrow up the stairs.
Snot me. Anyway, that reference to David Beckham made livid.
Moreover, geniuses always drink to excess. What about Dylan Thomas?
He wasn’t on the Hash today, was he?
VOICE OF EUNUCH
(Peal of thunder) “Now behind the eyes and secrets of the dreamers in the streets rocked to sleep by the sea, see the titbits and topsyturvies,
boobs and buttontops, bags and bones.
VOICE OF GREAT HALL OF THE HASHERS
(Lightning flashes) Calling Golden Balls. Calling Golden Balls.
Go away. I’ve just got comfortable. Pass me a roadie.
(Golden Balls voluminous form rises slowly and floats through
the widow on his way to his historic meeting with the Hash Greats.
The avatar of all the N2TH3 GM’s, which sits with all the other
GM’s in that cavernous ON ON somewhere past the last check
over the rainbow)
Did someone say On On. Get me one in.
And introducing his Right Royal Hash Heaviness
From the N2TH3, General Bolden Balls.
The Hero arrives. Hail. Watch your drinks.
Give him a Down Down.
It’s GOLDEN BALLS. Get it right.
Give him a Down Down. You naughty Boy. Stand in the corner.
Give him a hand job, that’ll wake him up.
You’ve engraved the N2TH3 into the annals of Hash history.
More like the Anus of Pistory.
He’s a great big Batty Boy.
That’s MANGO GROOVE. I’d recognize him anywhere.
Don’t identify them. They’ll lock you up.
We’ll send him into outer space.
Don’t forget we’re celebrating a Hash triumph.
Let’s name a urinal after him.
The very first HHH in the Closed Area.
I’ll drink to that.
I’ll drink to that too.
(They embrace in a tsunami of passion.)
The GREAT HALL OF THE HASHERS erupts in Hash cries.
Hash passion. On On. Down Down. Put him in the Hall of Fame.
(Lights dim to a spot on the N2TH3 logo with a crown of laurel
leaves – a potent symbol)
And so we leave this scene of celebration and return to
In a startling development, the CIA has announced
the existence of a world-wide group of dangerous
subversives calling themselves Hashers. Considered to
be more threatening than Al Qaeda to world order, the
CIA has sequestered phone records and believes that this
organization might be harboring Edward Snowden, the
latest American whistleblower. Inquiries have centred on
the Northern New Territories of Hong Kong and a certain
group of Hashers identified by this acronym – N2TH3.
Anyone with information …………….
|Where Hong Kong ends and Guangdong begins
By Gunpowder Plod
I am a traditional dragon boater. By that I mean that Gweilo teams are, traditionally, since the British first invaded Hong Kong, not supposed to practice but are instead intended to show up on the day, reasonably sober, work out which end of the boat is the prow, install a scantly dressed female in the stern to bang the drum, pile into the boat and sink as soon as possible for the general amusement of the natives.
So, my services not being required, I volunteered to Hare but was told that nobody was likely to run. Undeterred, I laid a trail of sorts from the King’s Belly starting at 0945 or so but I was not followed by anyone; one Hare, zero pack!
I ran around the green bits of Taipo and the river and did a spot of recceing off the Ting Kok and Fung Yuen Roads before heading into the Industrial Area and thence to the Dragon Boat start area in 9 Km 68 Mins.
Here I was cheerily greeted by the N2TH3 MacDermid sponsored dragon boat team who had apparently paddled twice, stayed afloat but lost narrowly to the Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Fire Brigade team in the repachage paddle-off to decide the winner of this year’s wooden paddle.
|At the races
The Hareraiser then exhorted me to try again by laying a direct trail back to the pub. This I did, more or less, deviating to the Taipo nick for some reason, and arrived back 2.5 Km and 30 mins later. The pack was lead in by Tangerine Dream on her bike followed by Gone West and Dingaling with the rest deciding to stroll in by another route.
Then it was into the free draft San Mig and food, courtesy of Macdermid, who apparently tell the Inland Revenue that N2TH3 are a deserving charity for aged athletes.
|At the hash pub