In The Zone

By Fartypants

The fact that I’d taken today off and indeed the day after this week’s run did nothing to dampen a sense of mounting trepidation whilst driving signal-less into the hinterland formerly known  as the closed frontier area between Hong Kong and mainland China. Had there been a poll in the last 30 minutes? How would I know? Had the run location been changed? Did we still run on Wednesdays?

Sighs of relief were audible as we came upon the mulletted Stingray changing beside his car. I resisted the urge to throw on some Duran Duran. “Reckon this is the start,” said he. Any thoughts we were right were quickly dispelled as Golden Jelly screeched to a halt beside us and in a mixture of Cantonese, Welsh and burning rubber shouted “Wong location boyos, Wong location”. Which goes to show of course, two Wongs don’t….

Later, having been led the 100 or so metres to the correct start location we found the pack assembled and waiting for GM Salesman to arrive. He duly did and the pack, quickly fixing hairnets (he means bayonets – Ed) (No he doesn’t – FP) pissed off into an area supposedly mined and still occupied by the Japanese from WWII, before he had chance to get out the taxi.

Thronging (yes quite a turnout this week) through several villages then around fish ponds and bamboo shacks, all silhouetted by the amazing neon backdrop of Shenzen – a zillion megawatts of power all delivered by a single Octogenarian and a bicycle dynamo – such is the resourcefulness of our border brethren, the pack urged on. Fortunately, the only explosions heard were from Farty’s arse. More fish ponds, locked gates requiring a bit of ingenuity to get round, dogs and then up up up a burnt hillside to a ridge with an ever more stunning view behind us. Overcome, Walky Talky got into some serious camera action which got us left far behind and opting for the wimps trail home.

Rounding the last bend, not only were the buckets in sight but also the hare Golden Balls who, looking like something left over from an Only Fools & Horses set,  had set up a kind of stall using an old table nicked from a nearby bus shelter. From here he proffered an array of food and drink, including raw carrots and hummus dips (in case we were joined by LSWH3), crisps and red wine. With such fine fare on offer thoughts of a daipaidong on on were quickly dispelled along with down downs for those who had strayed from the true path, which was most of us including those already mentioned plus Mango, Gail Say No, Eunuch, Dingaling and Sam.

Having had not run for quite some time it was great to rediscover  not only the challenges of night running but also the joy of talking absolute bollocks after the run.  Even that pompous prick Bamber Gascoigne couldn’t fail to be impressed by the range of topics and depth of knowledge; the size of female tennis players, the fine qualities of Turning Leaf Pinot Noir, how the Mormons got it completely wrong,  Mango’s hair, Gregorian chant music…the list went on, only to be interrupted by an unmarked police car pulling up alongside us and spilling out a considerable number of unmarked police officers in search of chequered-shirt-clad illegal immigrants and Japanese soldiers. They soon fucked off though having politely declined offers of red wine and crisps. Fortunately for us they’d not concluded that there were the same number of cars as pissed hashers….

And lastly to the good news – the NT hash will not implode, well at least not for another week. Next week’s run is Sha Lo Tung. All is well. God is in His heaven. Rest ye easy.

Receding hareline

1623      Feb 5      Eunuch

1624      Feb 12   Tangerine Dream

1625      Feb 19   Big Moany

1626      Feb 26   Stingray

1627      Mar 5     Salesman

Wednesday, January 29, 2013

7.30pm

Start from the bus shelter on Ma Tso Lung Road near the military firing range. Park as and where nearby.

Short and long runs, not more than an hour

Hare: Golden Balls

On-on nearby

Too Much Monkey Business

By Mango Groove

Turning up at the start, the small car park just before the country park entrance, the hare, One Eyed Jack, Eunuch and Mango were the only attendees on this very cold night.  Dram was nicely wrapped up but One Eyed Jack looked like he was off to a beach party.  Anyway after waiting for the hare to call Stingray and realizing both Golden Balls and Salesman were going to arrive later the three hashers listened to the instructions.  Now, it went something like this  “Well we should blame Golden Balls for this because I suggested several locations but he said we should run here tonight cos we haven’t been here for a while…. now my run has been stolen by two other hash groups”  Yes! Indeed the Wanchai Hash had their 140oth run in the same location on Sunday, followed by the Kowloon Hash on Monday. The hare continued “Now I have used arrows and checks with an N, with blobs of flour, sometimes I have put an N next to my blobs of flour and it took me over two hours to set.”

So off the three hashers went, across the road and left down into the country park before climbing up the first set of steps to a check.  Mango and One Eyed Jack, having done the Kowloon on Monday figured that the correct trail was left from the check, but as usual Eunuch caught sight of a bit of shiggy and went straight up. The trail did go left and along some trail with a couple of checks that we quickly solved as we eventually came out at a junction with a check giving us the option of running back down the road or upwards, but what really got to us was the number of police vehicles that were patrolling this part of the country park. Eunuch managed to work out that trail would take us further up whereas One Eyed Jack worked his way back home at this point.  There then followed a long climb up taking us up past the lookout hut and after a couple of checks to just below the beacon with the red light.  It was here, at a two way check, that the double act of Eunuch and Mango showed what complete buffoons they really are. Eunuch checked left, found trail, but came back saying that he did not see an “N”, whereas Mango proudly announced he knew that the trail must go straight and all the way back down to the reservoir, because that is the only direction we can go and we did the same on Monday. We later found out that the trail should have gone left.  Anyway both Eunuch and Mango worked their way back down to the dam on home in about an hour and ten minutes, only to meet Golden Balls and Salesman surrounded by small baby monkeys begging for crisps. After standing around for a little bit and watching several cars pull in to the car park with either courting couples frustrated to see a hash in their snog zone, or people dropping off food for the monkeys (one geezer dropped off two large sacks of sliced white bread!!) a circle was eventually formed, with notable down downs for the hare and Mango for his 800th run. After the circle we stood around admiring Salesman new Porsche but got very cold, so we decided to call it a night. Once again another great run by Dram.

Start at the Kowloon Reservoir car park on Tai Po Road

Time: 7.30pm

Hare: Dram

Bus nos. 72 (Tai Wo-Cheung Sha Wan) and 81 (Wo Che-Jordan) go past there, as does the “red” minibus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That Toffee Moment

Crash Test Dummy aka Canto Felch Fellow rode to the rescue of the stricken Northern by inviting us to his Little Sai Wan run at Kam Sheung Road station. We arrived at 7.25 to learn he was still out setting trail. Speculation immediately turned to whether he had gone up the 582 steps (I counted!) to Bonehead’s ridge and, if so, had he swung west and encountered the SKH3 markings still fresh from Sunday? The injured, gorgeous and pouting was there Shiggy Gaga minding a pile of LSW bags, Catch of the Day who set off to sweep the run, and some chalk scrawlings suggesting there was a wimps run of 6.5km and a laughable rambos option of 11km. The posse of LSW runners, about a dozen of them, had set off keen as mustard at 7.10. Like good Northerners we waited for the convoy (of one it turned out) arrived from Hong Lok Yuen, unloaded the beer and then waited for Eunuch to strap his hydraulic ankle on. While we chatted and drank beer Bobbledick and Indyanus come puffing out of the station, stripped off and, wild-eyed, went charging into the hills. We took this bizarre display of enthusiasm in good humour and finally jogged off at 7.55: Eunuch, Dingaling, Mango Groove, Walky Talky, Dylan, One Eyed Jack, Stingray and Golden Balls.

As expected, straight up the steps, then along the ridge swinging east, and a fairly predictable descent down to the catchwater. A nice if well-trodden trail although a long run-in on hardtop for the rambos, but a pleasant enough way to work up a thirst. Eunuch had the comment of the evening, and it deserves repetition here: “You know how everything in your body rebels against running on flat surfaces? It’s like everything is hard and brittle with bits of grit, but after a while you reach that toffee moment and start to flow…” Other people call it endorphins…

When everybody was back we stood around our espies brimming with ice-cold Tsingtao while LSW stood around their bin-liners with their few sad lukewarm tininess, enjoying the cut and thrust of witty inter-hash repartee. Well, not really. A few non-runners joined our ranks: Golden Jelly, who spent most of the time in her car because it was freezing cold, and Fartypants, who had been spotted even before the run hiding in his car. A message came in from GM Salesman saying he was in Macau and had no idea why. Soon it was time for LSW to go for dinner and song, while we had our boisterous circle around the espies, joined by Catch of the Day, Motormouth and Anal Invitation from the ranks of the LSW.

Muchas gracias to Crash Test Dummy, Catch of the Day and Little Sai Wan for the run.

Wednesday, January 15

7.30pm

Kam Sheung Road West Rail station

Hares: Cantopop Felch Fellow, Catch of the Day

Get there: Plenty of parking outside the station, which is on the MTR West Rail line for those on public transport.

Hare says: This is a Little Sai Wan run, Canto and I are live hares and they will start the run at 7pm. Exit D and follow the chalk. NT Hash guys can start at your normal time and just follow the trail. Afterwards, you can do your own circle or join LSW circle at the on-on.

Saved by the Belle

With the Hare Raiser G-Spot’s temporary posting to the jungles of Java stretching from weeks now into months, the Northern New Territories continues to limp along with a disabled hardline, making it up as it goes along – but we hope this won’t last much longer as RA Velcro Lips has offered to take charge of the hareline until G-Spot returns, and if anyone can spank it into shape, it’s Miss Lips.

Moonie had generously offered to hare this run but had to withdraw because he’d been offered money for work. So dawned the day of the run, and there was…no run. A panicking GM ordered the pack to meet at Hong Lok Yuen and it would be taken from there. Sensing a fack-up, most of the pack wisely stayed away. However stalwarts Eunuch, Mango Groove and One Eyed Jack duly assembled at Hong Lok Yuen, alongside Catch of the Day, who suggested the three hunks go back to her place and take it from there instead

Meanwhile your scribe was late and arrived at Catch of the Day’s crenellated, two-metre-high garden wall to find the pack had already set off on a 1.5-hour run that took in two huge climbs and saw all four hashers take a turn at haring. I wasn’t alone for long though, as GM Salesman arrived on his bike. We duly managed to break into Eunuch’s car so we weren’t bereft of ale or snacks, but the no-man’s-land outside the house wasn’t the nicest of places. A hefty shoulder barge on the door in the garden wall and it swung open onto the Japanese garden, offering a serene place to stand. But it wasn’t long before we desired the warmth of indoors – and the fridge to chill the drinks. Of a sudden, we as one spotted what looked like an electronic hotel room key propped up by the door. Eureka! the door yielded to the digital command and we were in! We really did think it was considerate of Catch of the Day to leave us this secret access to her chambers. Before we knew it, shoes were off, tinnies iced, chairs sat on and beers popped. After a while we thought we heard voices outside and, assuming it was hashers, left the house, or at least I did. Our illustrious GM shut the door behind him and immediately came over all sheepish. “I’ve just locked us out,” he admitted, laughing gaily. Then the awful truth dawned. The  key, probably the only key, was indoors, and there was no way of bypassing it without the fire brigade. “Shit, what are we gonna do?” Salesman’s immediate impulse was to do a runner – jump on his bike and pretend he’d never been there. There was one problem with his plan. My shoes and jacket were still inside the house, we were miles from nowhere and it was freezing. Happily the Salesman plight-or-flight dilemma was resolved with the return of the pack all shiggly with goodness. Humble apologies on bended knee were proffered to She, who…produced another key from her pants!

We trooped in as Catch of the Day produced a bottle of white wine and some salami, then a bottle of red wine, nachos, beer, chocolate…there was no end to the hospitality, and as the perfect hostess she even pulled her pants down to show us something interesting on her buttocks.

Saved by the Belle indeed!