Run 1638, Nai Chung, 4 June 2014

The Usual Carnage

By Prowled Dong Up

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“It will be a massacre”, announced the notice for the run, alongside some stuff about a safe house for chickens in Nai Chung. None of this bore any relevance to the run – no headless chickens running for cover, no chainsaw-toting Mexican gangsters carving people up to get their hides for sofa upholstery – and I arrived at about 6:45 to find the hare, Gunpowder Plod, sitting in a folding chair drinking a cold beer and wearing a Chinese police uniform and that horrible red cap he thinks is cool. There were also hordes of mozzies attracted by his salmonella? citronella mozzie-repellent burner. Oh, and Pop Pans: ‘Lay off my dinner!” he warns. Fat chance.

He then leapt to his feet, crossed the carpark and rapped smartly on the door of a large fuming parked truck, wherupon an angry oriental gnome (who had obviously been enjoying a prolonged air-conditioned wanking break) jumped out, hauling his shorts on. A shouting confrontation ensued in the way only Plod encounters seem to, although the verbose author of the best-selling Little Red Swear Book (Bookazine $39) seemed to win the argument with language so colourful it was spectral, and the gnome slunk back into his cab and drove off to the applause of the poor villagers washing their BMWs.

A good sized pack dribbled in comprising One Eyed Jack, Mango, Dingaling, Stingray, Gail Says No, G-Spot, Simon, Yin Yin and Dram.Velcropolips then arrived, driving through the bus lane and car park the wrong way having been to the wrong start. Teary and shaken, she declined the run and sat down for some counselling. “My husband is leaving me!” she wailed. “Who’s that then?” enquired Plod sympathetically, receiving a wallop around the ear for his ignorance.

The pack set off on what was a cunningly executed and well laid trail criss-crossing the road through the nearby Nai Chung old and new villages and then through a cow pasture and shiggy onto the golf driving range road.Then it was a check-back and up a ridge path with sea views and breezes and some above-head shiggy to a concrete path. This was familiar and it led us on some fast running to Che Ha village.

Here there was a Rambo/Wimp split where Dram and Yin Yin short-cut the main trail past her house (surprised she did not pop in for a bath) while we entered a deep and dark forest strewn with toilet paper and infested with spiders and mozzies. This eventually became serious shiggy ending via an abandoned farm with a mango groove leading to the beach.Then it was along the beach and in, negotiating a large pack of angry poodles near the finish. Plod had apparently planned to throw PLA firecrackers at us from the bushes but Velcro says he blew himself up on a test firing in the shelter!

The run was followed by the now familiarly chaotic circle run by everyone at once. This was prolonged by the presence of Plod’s mates blocking the road back north (strange they never block the road back to Sai Kung!).

A BEIJING MAN STANDS IN FRONT OF TANK IN TIANEMAN SQUARE.

 

 

Run 1637, Tai Po, 28 May 2014

The Annual Liberace Run

By Mango Groove

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Turning up at Lib’s favourite spot – Wan Tau Kok Lane – Plod, One Eyed Jack, Gail Says No and Mango Groove were observed stretching and lifting a few weights. Because Libs always sets a toughie. However, their warm-up routine was suddenly halted upon the arrival of Eunuch and his Granny. She was quite a big Granny and all assembled suddenly rushed towards her to have a better look, including Dingaling and Overdue, who’d arrived on public transport and were looking a bit hot and sweaty. Anyway a very frustrated Eunuch pops out of his Granny blurting out some strange phrases such as “she’s still got some tickets on her” and “she drinks a lot”. Plod said Eunuch’s Granny smells of sex and Mango reckoned she was a bit on the wide side but Liberace loved her.

We've no idea who or what Eunuch's Granny is, but we'd like to think it looks something like this
We’ve no idea who or what Eunuch’s Granny is, but we’d like to think it looks something like this

After further messing about the hare gave us instructions. “It is a short flat run,” he announced deadpan. So off we went to the first check that took us down into the subway and out near the MTR. In usual Tai Po Market fashion we got lost looking for trail and mislaid Plod completely after the second check. Picking up trail near the bridge and after running along the nullah for a bit we started to head upwards towrds Hill Top Gardens, where a few checks kept us together before arriving at the steps leading up the hill. At this point One Eyed Jack turned back, leaving Eunuch, Dingaling, Gail Says No and Mango to continue onwards. Actually the steps were not as difficult as we first anticipated and we eventually arrived at a junction with a check leading us leftwards and up some more steps. Everything was looking nice and easy at this point but our beloved Libs did not fail to live up to his reputation. The trail then took us down and down through dense forest, no real trail just the traditional Liberace “Well let me see what’s down here” type of trail. Eventually we came out onto a ridge wall, ten feet above the village boundary. We walked along this wall for about 20 metres, looking into windows and above vinyl PVC sheeting. After running around the perimeter of the village we eventually came onto Shan Tong Road for a nice run back towards Tai Po Market MTR and On Home. Talk at the bucket included Salesman’s Sek Kong Hash run the previous Sunday, and the upcoming Dragon Boat Race. At this point Golden Jelly had joined us but looked pretty exhausted stretched out on the concrete. Dingaling ran the circle and after a few more cans we headed home. Excellent run, Liberace; look forward to your full comeback in 2015.