Run 1695, 27 May 2015, Bride’s Pool

Amphibian Alert!

Spotted on trail
Spotted on trail

I Can-T B ArX-se/’d  It↑’S  t00  FA1¾ŕ=°F öff. Location: somewhere in the Northern New Territories. Bride’s Pool, as it turns out. Why is it called Bride’s Pool? Drum roll… legend has it that a bride slipped and fell in a pool, of course… what else did you expect? Anyway apparently it all happened 100 years ago, as these things do, and a sedan chair was a mitigating factor. Dangerous things, sedan chairs, especially when it’s wet and slippery, and the peasants have been poorly maintained. But it wasn’t hard to imagine the folly of the daring bride’s journey, as on this particular Wednesday it was decidedly slippery underfoot too. Indeed the look on the face of our illustrious hare, the recently anointed Bukkake, told of the trials and tribulations he must have gone through setting the run! Poor Bukkake-san looked thoroughly spent, as if having come through a particularly harrowing ordeal. Or does he always look like that? Anyway he did mention slipping and going over on his full length somewhere. He wasn’t badly hurt, but as he explained, it did curtail his exertions on trail.

A horn sounds somewhere off to stage right, indicating the beginning of Act 1 Scene II. Picture the scene, a motorbike has just arrived followed by a green Jaguar. Indicating, as some wag comments, “that the owner suffers from erectile dysfunction”. Beer and ice and runners in various colourful garb, all in a whirlygig of activity. The first-time hare begins the briefing: “I have shortened it to 1.5 hours”. A sharp sucking in of breath accompanied by snorts of mirth and disbelief are heard in approximately equal measures. Finally the tense moment passes when Golden Balls asks with studied concern, yes but are there any amphibians? “Yes, there are,” is the authoritative answer, and that seems to satisfy. All the hashers nod and wink knowingly, even your scribe Crash Test Dummy, though he knows not why! And with the esoteric and apparently useless briefing over the pack is off.

A small gust of wind dislodges a leaf from a branch and lands silently in the Pat Sin Leng Forrest, a porcupine sloths off avoiding the trajectory of the downwardly fluttering flora, indicating the beginning of Act 1 Scene III. The first check is down at the Bride’s Pool barbecue place. There is a slim chance the ON is to the right back towards Plover Cove Reservoir, and all the smart money goes left except Liberace, who doesn’t. The next check at the bridge sees the pack scatter out, and there is a bit of calling till the ON is found up the nature trail towards Wu Kau Tang. No one bothers with the obvious falsie at Plover Cove Country Trail. You’d have to be RAVING MAD to go along there! The pack scatters again at the next check before the village, but presently it is solved by Eunuch. A left ON along Wu Kau Tang Road as it turns out. There is a wimp/rambo split at Chi Sum Road. The wimp trail winds through the village – where Golden Balls encounters an inquisitive bamboo snake – before returning to Wu Kau Tang Rd. The Rambo trail goes right through the village, and as might now be expected, up Wu Kau Tang Country Trail to a check with an obvious left up to the fire lookout. Note that going straight on takes one off into deepest darkest Plover Cove Country Park, and you’d have to be RAVING MAD to go in there! The fire lookout is a rather grandiose if smelly construction (there were quite a few cows milling around up there). I don’t think anyone really looks out for fires these days do they? I’m sure they have drones or spy satellites, where the fire officers can watch “bukkake” from the comfort of their armchair, rather than having to actually man a fire lookout. There are a couple of ways back down from this hill, one down to Wu Kau Tang Rd which is more overgrown, but fortunately the ON turns out to be the nice open trail down to Brides Pool Road. near the barbecue site. The trail goes left here to rejoin the wimps.

A hasher sees an arrow indicating a right turn, yet he chooses to go straight on, indicating the beginning of Act 2 Scene I for Liberace and Luk Dim Boon, and Act 1 Scene IV for everyone else. I guess being charitable, which I am not, the arrow could have been a bit more obvious if it had been drawn with a 90° angle symbol, but actually you’d have to be RAVING MAD to miss the trail entrance across the road! Now I don’t know what this little section of trail is called, I could call it “the trail that keeps on giving” – altitude that is. But I’ll elect to call it “the stairway to heaven trail”. Shortly before its zenith, I meet Golden Balls ploughing along in his new hash regalia, recently purchased from a renowned outdoors gentleman’s outfitter (Stanley Market). Suddenly the chorus of croaking amphibians gets louder. They’re all over the trail, which gets quite slippery here due to the muddy runoff from the north-dipping escarpment of fine siltstone along the Pat Sin Leng formation. Even after the stairway to heaven trail joins the Wilson Trail section 10, it continues quite treacherous along the flat. There are two ways down from stage 10 to Pat Sing Leng Nature Trail, the first left, or the second, where the King Of The Hills goes. They both join about 400m before the road, but fortunately it’s the first left and shorter option that has been chosen, then it’s ON home to the car park. Eunuch, Golden Balls, Catch Of The Day and your scribe all did the stairway to heaven / Wilson Trail loop. So congratulations to ourselves, and its bifocal glasses for Luk Dim Boon and Liberace. Velcro Lips and One Eyed Jack also finished, straight on home along the road, possibly intentionally, possibly not.

Its “summer rules” I am informed shortly before the circle. I vaguely remembered this was something to do with clothes, possibly it’s OK to go Full Monty in the circle I wondered, but my poor memory couldn’t pin it down. Apparently you’re supposed to stand around in the sweaty putrid clothes you’ve just run in for the entire circle. Bizarre bordering on cruel and unusual, if your shirt smells anything like mine after a summer run. Down downs were given by Velcro Lips around the hallowed light from Eunuch’s butt-plug shaped LED lantern. A magnificent run, by (I believe first-time) hare Bukkake. Very well marked, there were two blobs of flour after a check indicating you were ON, a good system, and between checks sufficient markings to let you know you’re still on trail, for when confidence is waning. Lovely route, taking in some very fine running trails, and everyone was home in the predicted 1.5 hours despite the slippery conditions. Well done the hare! – Crash Test Dummy

Run 1694, 20 May 2015, Tai Po Market

A Wet One

Amazing-Rainy-Nature-Wallpapers

Rain. Thunder. Lightning, even. It was 7.20pm, and Bukkake and Golden Jelly were stuck in static traffic at the Shing Mun Tunnel exit, with a car-full of hash beer, chewing each other’s nails. Their destination was the back end of Tai Po Market, site of Tangerine Dream’s office, from where Run 1694, hared by the same, was due to commence imminently. As Golden Jelly began raising the alarm with a series of telephone calls, Bukkake set his jaw to jutting and resolved that, no matter what, they would not fail in their mission to deliver the precious cargo. Suddenly – lo! – the traffic parted, and within what seemed like minutes and was in fact only minutes, they arrived at Po Yick Street.

Hardy hashers in various states of soddenness had already gathered, and were itching to get going. A brief and rather disconcerting briefing from Tangerine Dream (“The arrows are hidden under overhangs”), and the small pack (Catch Of The Day, Liberace, Mango Groove, Eunuch, Golden Jelly and Bukkake) was away. The route stayed close to the Lam Tsuen River channel in the early stages, with Mango muttering darkly about his intention to abandon the run if it showed any sign of heading towards Lin Au. When it did just that, however, it was the ever-sensible Golden Jelly who turned tail. The remaining five hashers ascended the steep road as the lowering thunder clouds moved in.

At a check just below Lin Au, Bukkake became separated from the pack – a mishap engineered by Catch Of The Day, who had urged him to “go further” down a path into a village area in search of trail. The search proved fruitless and at length distant cries of “Trail” were audible high above him, between thunderclaps. Back up he staggered, whimpering disconsolately. The pack, meanwhile, were engaged in a lively debate about whether to wait for him to catch up. In the end (and in spite of Liberace’s best efforts) they settled on the chivalrous course, and Catch Of The Day ran back to retrieve him. The rain was deluginous, which is a word I just made up. Thunder and lightning caused the hashers to cower cravenly with fright as the reunited pack traversed the high ground. Bukkake remarked enthusiastically on the mixed chorus of croaking frogs. Nobody gave a monkey’s. A mad scramble downhill followed, led by Liberace and his Unfeasibly Large Torch. Eunuch reminisced fondly on this being the site where, years ago, One-Eyed Jack fell and smashed his glasses, thus earning his hash name.

The final stages of the run took the hashers through the middle of Tai Po Market, where all but Liberace eluded Moonie, who had been sent out in the tempest to make sure everyone was alright. The relieved hashers swarmed back into Tangerine Dream’s office, bringing several gallons of rainwater with them, only to encounter a jovial Golden Balls, who had clearly already been at the hash beer. Tangerine Dream laid on a delicious chilli con carne, where she looked quite fetching. A disgruntled Moonie arrived soon afterwards, bitterly castigating the hashers for not following the trail properly. He quickly perked up upon cracking open his first Tsingtao.

A great evening. – Bukkake

Run 1693, 13 May 2015

The Beacon of Bird Hill

FullSizeRender-3 “I suspect it’ll be the usual Salesman run where he gets lost, you catch him, then have to escort him back home” – 2015 the Prophet Luk Sup Gow (piss be upon him) A Salesman run eh? we’ve all done them. Here’s the 10 step plan to make your run a true Salesman run…. i) Find somewhere different to start the run Salesman had found a lovely small park surrounded by lorries, oil, and sweaty men in blue overalls smoking fags. ii) The hare must be absent at the start of the run Salesman was not to be seen at the start, only a bemused Lok Sup Gow stood watching hashers drive past back and forth with their passenger seats occupied by someone frantically flicking through maps whilst pointing in random directions. iii) Never leave instructions The pack (Mango Groove, Catch Of The Day, Luk Dim Boon, Penile Dementia, Liberace, Bukkake, One Eyed Jack and Eunuch) were vaguely waved off in a random direction by LSG. iv) Actually set an intricate, technical and highly enjoyable first portion of the run. Over half an hour into the run, the pack were still tightly together on what seemed a well planned, knowledgeable and fiddly little run – perfect for a hot summer’s night. v) Enusre that the Chinese contingent go wrong. Liberace, Luk Dim Boon and Penile Dementia detached themselves from the pack by strategically missing the large on-on markings, opting instead to run towards an irate shouting local man, who quite literally didn’t want them “up his tunnel”. vi) Completely shit on your own great work by sending the pack up a near vertical shiggy trail, whilst not having a clue where you are going. There was an upside to this. Mango Groove also got lost on the side of the mountain and produced a truly stunning neck extention, screaming like a bitch for assistance. vii) Justify the prophet LSG by getting caught by the pack whilst neck deep in bush, holding up a half packet of flour in one hand, chalk in the other, explaining that everywhere is a dead end, meanwhile a voice from the pack says “what about this way?” (pointing towards an obvious trail). Catch Of The Day then noticed some pink ribbons in the trees – due to her hot pants, we all followed. viii) Hand over all flour, paper and chalk to the pack, and lead (from behind) everyone home. The pack was led by sundry hashers home. Firstly Catch Of The Day, who gracefully handed this duty over to Bukkake. His lead came to an end at a spider’s web, and after at least 10 full seconds of cowering in front of it, he was eventually pushed face first through it by an impatient Catch Of The Day, and subsequently trampled over by the rest of the pack. Mango and Eunuch led home from that point on. ix) Get a picture taken of everyone at the mountain top, so that it looked like a great run. We did that too. x) Back at the bucket, crash out on the floor at 10:30pm, drink heavily and offer no apologies for the run. One Eyed Jack had already left by the time we got back, and luckily LSG and Golden Balls didn’t drink the bucket dry (though they tried very hard). – Eunuch FullSizeRender FullSizeRender-2 And here’s another contribution There are absolutes. Unalterable, inalienable facts that constrain our existence. We cannot live without oxygen. Jobbies smell bad and should be avoided. Stubbing your toe on the table leg is really painful. And Salesman will not recce his run but rather get hopelessly lost setting it until the pack finds him hours later, exhausted, in the midst of shiggy, glaring wildly around like some demented Caliban. And so it came to pass at Salesman’s run from the industrial wastes of Fanling. Trail first led out through the minor urban sprawl of southern Fanling , bobbing and weaving in a manner that flattered to deceive. After half an hour the first inklings of hash erection were encountered in the foothills. A confusing on-on immediately followed by arrows leading right into shiggy split the pack. Liberace, Penile Dementia and Luk Dim Boon all followed the arrows into shiggy and lost trail. They eventually worked their way down to Lau Shui Heung Reservoir and back to the start after being out for around an hour and a half. “Smart Chinese” was how Liberace characterised this trail abdication, a sentiment echoed by One Eyed Jack who got back around the same time, having simply turned around when he saw the confusion. “Stupid” was his verdict on the hashers who had carried on uphill. Sure enough, the remaining pack – Bukkake, Catch Of The Day, Eunuch and Mango Groove – found themselves following trail laid far from any known path, heading for the summit of Bird Hill, which is where they came upon the utterly exhausted hare half way up the mountain still trying to push his way through the tangles up to the top. Galvanised by the appearance of the pack, Salesman joined it in pushing through and up to the trig point, where they had a photo stop before descending by proper trails, reaching home after two and a half hours. The usual nonsense ensued with Mango leading the circle, the lowlight of which was a luksupgow performed by Catch Of The Day on an inebriated Golden Balls (he’d been to a whisky tasting) in which both participants went beyond the normal bounds of hash indecency.

Run 1692, 6 April 2015, Che Kung Temple

Keep Doing It

schoolmarm

Velcro Lips had set this run before, or something like it, for a lesser hash, only for everybody, or some, or most to get lost. “Right,” she announced in her best scoolmarmly manner, “you’re going to keep doing it until you get it right!” Little did the innocent Northern New Territories hashers realise that vengeance was to be exacted upon them.

The hard core of the hash turned up, nine runners in the roseate glow of the sports ground next to the temple, for that is the sort of place Sha Tin is. Lanky towers surmounted the middle distance, but here at the start it was all village villas and synthetic sports pitches. The lamp-posts were zipped up in the sort of padding that is normally given to rugby goalposts. They must have some extremely quick and powerful footy players here.

As the hashers jockeyed for position on the starting line, or more accurately yawned and scratched, it was cognised – all of a sudden – that there was no ice! Not my probbo, said Velcro, who’d brought the drinks. Nor mine, said Bukkake, I only agreed to bring the esky. Hash Beer Eunuch remained conspicuously silent. The GM appealed for somebody to run to the 7-Eleven to see if they had any ice, which Golden Balls magnanimously agreed to do. Fifteen minutes later he hadn’t returned so the pack set off as rain started falling, following urban ways up towards Lion Rock Road and then up through shiggy on to the path for Amah Rock and up to the Lion Rock catchment path.

By this time Golden Balls – who had found ice and got back some minutes after the pack set off – was following up behind and turned right at the marked check on the catchment, only to see a host of torches approaching. The pack had been  hoodwinked by a kilometre-long checkback. So eastwards they ran as thankfully the vermin macaques stayed in the trees and didn’t stress anybody with their sneaky and insidious hooting attacks. Bastards.

The wimp trail went down to San Tin Wai while the rambo went up the Wilson Trail to a pagoda before coming back down shiggy to rejoin at San Tin Wai for the final urban kilometre run back to Che Kung Temple.

One Eyed Jack did a shortened route nursing a detached retina or some such. When front runner Liberace returned he seemed to be enraged. “Short cutting bastard!” he screamed. It turned out that the verbose vanman had short cut the run himself. All good hypocrisy, and it set the tone for the post-run craic, which was, as always, superbly entertaining. Good effort Velcro and SP Sticky.

Run 1691, 29 April 2015, Lam Tei

The Mountainous Dunes

dunes

Under the cover of darkness, the pagoda on Fu Tei Road above Tuen Mun served as the home base for the A to A run set by Golden Jelly. After a handful of runners showed the crew set out. First stop? The beach. Not really, more like sand dunes. So up it was, up the mountainous sand dunes of Lam Tei. The first check back was reached near the top. After the sand dunes were rocky steps which led to a meandering paths through a dried-up stream and narrow uneven trails. Checks and checkbacks were quite frequent, keeping the pack together. The rambo-wimps split featured the most impressive flour “Rs” and “Ws” Tuen Mun has ever seen. The climbs that followed were steep, but not so sandy. On home was pleasant trail running and didn’t involve sand.

Liberace’s outraged comments that the run was too short (first back was Oranguwank in 47 minutes) led to him receiving the first down-down. But Mango said the trail was “clever”. Mango then reminded a few of Orville the Duck, a somewhat frightening but fondly remembered puppet duck voiced by Keith Richards [Eh? – ed]. Velcro, Mango and Bukkake sang along to the song that was hidden deep in their childhood memories. Golden Balls had no idea who Orville the Duck was, claiming he was too young. However, his younger brother clearly knew all the words to Orville’s songs. Yummy Mummy made an appearance, Eunuch was not included in the non-runner’s attendance down down because he actually ran. and Oranguwank performed all his down downs with superb form. Velcro Lips fondly shared the names of Catch Of The Day’s birthday cocktail list. Drinks such as “Brow job,” “Sticky Toffee Panty” and of course “Bukkake” were shared. Bukkake faced threats of renaming by Mango to which he performed an “Icky Icky” down down (wow, that sounds a bit strange, but carry on). Mango performed a pre-christening of Sticky Aphid Bottom Exudate’s brother as “Sticky Toffee Panty.” Golden Jelly received down downs for a loud phone and Golden Balls received down downs for what seemed like an unnecessary visit to the doctor in the Philippines involving questions about . As usual, Velcro Lips had to protect her Asahi stash from the hordes of marauding hashers intent on plunder and booze.

– Sticky Apid Bottom Exudate

The run on Facebook
The run on Facebook

Run 1690, 22 April 2015, Fo Tan

When They Were Up They Were Up

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Archive photo of the run site. Who do you recognise? (Answers below.)

G-Spot was on one of his breaks from the land where they practise on blowpipes and found himself piping to a different tune as the GM promptly ordered him to set a run. With no time to recce he opted for one of his stalwart run sites, the top of Sui Wo Road in Fo Tan. Would it be down then up, or up then down? And indeed would it be left or right?

After a brief stretch of Sui Wo Road it was predictably left towards the hills, but then an unexpected check took trail northwards and down towards Sha Tin. And down. And down, past the 10,000 Buddhas Monastery, almost all the way to Sha Tin Station. I was feeling mighty pleased with himself, having solved all the checks on the way down and enjoying a brief stint of unaccustomed front running, but having confidently gone for the downhill option at the check almost at the bottom of the hill I found myself right at the back when trail flip-flopped uphill from that check. Up up up all the way to the seminaries at the top of To Fung Shan and on into the hill trails. There was some lovely trail running here and I eventually caught Velcro Lips who had fallen behind the pack. We stayed together and I gallantly showed her my short cut that I knew from having lived in the area in the past: down into the ravine, across the stream (still on trail) then ignore that path going uphill and take this other one up to the ridge. Sho nuff we found trail coming down from above and followed it all the way back to the road we started from.

But just before that Penile Dementia suddenly appeared in front of us, bloodied and complaining that his ear hurt. It seems the rambo trail had taken a steep and slippery line down through bamboo and Mr Dementia had taken a tumble before rejoining the wimp trail. No worries, all superficial stuff.

Back at the pagoda, doe-eyed couples stood gazing out over the lights of Sha Tin far below, hoping to snatch a snog under the stars. They hadn’t bargained for the quip-a-minute raucousness of the Northern New Territories Hash as the GM whipped us into shape with beery humiliations. Yes, there was a constant stream of disappointed couples coming and going at this romantic aerie in the clouds.

Finest moment: the re-enactment of the (re)naming of Bukkake as Catch Of The Day performed a beerkkake on him with a can of Asahi.

– Golden Balls

Photo: Shek Kong Hash, 8 February 2004. Facing camera: Bogbrush (hare), Pieman (GM), Homo Sumo (?), Liberace, Homo Pigeon, Golden Balls

Run 1689, 15 April 2015, Kwai Chung

The Sourness of Mango

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After Catch Of The Day’s now-legendary cosplay party on April 11 (hash band, cocktail mixologist, spanking, sex on the stairs and plenty of blank memories), the spritely quinquagenarian still had a keg of draught beer and much else to finish off, so she offered to set the run from her factory rooftop. A long schleck up towards Smuggler’s Ridge / Kowloon Reservoir and back down again. As the pack gathered on the rooftop after the run, swilling ale, Mango Groove was spotted 20 floors below at street level trying (and failing time after time) to enter the building, to the mirth of the lofty ones. He eventually found his way to the keg after two and three quarters hours.

Further info required on this run.