Keep Doing It

Velcro Lips had set this run before, or something like it, for a lesser hash, only for everybody, or some, or most to get lost. “Right,” she announced in her best scoolmarmly manner, “you’re going to keep doing it until you get it right!” Little did the innocent Northern New Territories hashers realise that vengeance was to be exacted upon them.

The hard core of the hash turned up, nine runners in the roseate glow of the sports ground next to the temple, for that is the sort of place Sha Tin is. Lanky towers surmounted the middle distance, but here at the start it was all village villas and synthetic sports pitches. The lamp-posts were zipped up in the sort of padding that is normally given to rugby goalposts. They must have some extremely quick and powerful footy players here.

As the hashers jockeyed for position on the starting line, or more accurately yawned and scratched, it was cognised – all of a sudden – that there was no ice! Not my probbo, said Velcro, who’d brought the drinks. Nor mine, said Bukkake, I only agreed to bring the esky. Hash Beer Eunuch remained conspicuously silent. The GM appealed for somebody to run to the 7-Eleven to see if they had any ice, which Golden Balls magnanimously agreed to do. Fifteen minutes later he hadn’t returned so the pack set off as rain started falling, following urban ways up towards Lion Rock Road and then up through shiggy on to the path for Amah Rock and up to the Lion Rock catchment path.

By this time Golden Balls – who had found ice and got back some minutes after the pack set off – was following up behind and turned right at the marked check on the catchment, only to see a host of torches approaching. The pack had been  hoodwinked by a kilometre-long checkback. So eastwards they ran as thankfully the vermin macaques stayed in the trees and didn’t stress anybody with their sneaky and insidious hooting attacks. Bastards.

The wimp trail went down to San Tin Wai while the rambo went up the Wilson Trail to a pagoda before coming back down shiggy to rejoin at San Tin Wai for the final urban kilometre run back to Che Kung Temple.

One Eyed Jack did a shortened route nursing a detached retina or some such. When front runner Liberace returned he seemed to be enraged. “Short cutting bastard!” he screamed. It turned out that the verbose vanman had short cut the run himself. All good hypocrisy, and it set the tone for the post-run craic, which was, as always, superbly entertaining. Good effort Velcro and SP Sticky.

The Mountainous Dunes

Under the cover of darkness, the pagoda on Fu Tei Road above Tuen Mun served as the home base for the A to A run set by Golden Jelly. After a handful of runners showed the crew set out. First stop? The beach. Not really, more like sand dunes. So up it was, up the mountainous sand dunes of Lam Tei. The first check back was reached near the top. After the sand dunes were rocky steps which led to a meandering paths through a dried-up stream and narrow uneven trails. Checks and checkbacks were quite frequent, keeping the pack together. The rambo-wimps split featured the most impressive flour “Rs” and “Ws” Tuen Mun has ever seen. The climbs that followed were steep, but not so sandy. On home was pleasant trail running and didn’t involve sand.

Liberace’s outraged comments that the run was too short (first back was Oranguwank in 47 minutes) led to him receiving the first down-down. But Mango said the trail was “clever”. Mango then reminded a few of Orville the Duck, a somewhat frightening but fondly remembered puppet duck voiced by Keith Richards [Eh? – ed]. Velcro, Mango and Bukkake sang along to the song that was hidden deep in their childhood memories. Golden Balls had no idea who Orville the Duck was, claiming he was too young. However, his younger brother clearly knew all the words to Orville’s songs. Yummy Mummy made an appearance, Eunuch was not included in the non-runner’s attendance down down because he actually ran. and Oranguwank performed all his down downs with superb form. Velcro Lips fondly shared the names of Catch Of The Day’s birthday cocktail list. Drinks such as “Brow job,” “Sticky Toffee Panty” and of course “Bukkake” were shared. Bukkake faced threats of renaming by Mango to which he performed an “Icky Icky” down down (wow, that sounds a bit strange, but carry on). Mango performed a pre-christening of Sticky Aphid Bottom Exudate’s brother as “Sticky Toffee Panty.” Golden Jelly received down downs for a loud phone and Golden Balls received down downs for what seemed like an unnecessary visit to the doctor in the Philippines involving questions about . As usual, Velcro Lips had to protect her Asahi stash from the hordes of marauding hashers intent on plunder and booze.

– Sticky Apid Bottom Exudate

When They Were Up They Were Up

G-Spot was on one of his breaks from the land where they practise on blowpipes and found himself piping to a different tune as the GM promptly ordered him to set a run. With no time to recce he opted for one of his stalwart run sites, the top of Sui Wo Road in Fo Tan. Would it be down then up, or up then down? And indeed would it be left or right?

After a brief stretch of Sui Wo Road it was predictably left towards the hills, but then an unexpected check took trail northwards and down towards Sha Tin. And down. And down, past the 10,000 Buddhas Monastery, almost all the way to Sha Tin Station. I was feeling mighty pleased with himself, having solved all the checks on the way down and enjoying a brief stint of unaccustomed front running, but having confidently gone for the downhill option at the check almost at the bottom of the hill I found myself right at the back when trail flip-flopped uphill from that check. Up up up all the way to the seminaries at the top of To Fung Shan and on into the hill trails. There was some lovely trail running here and I eventually caught Velcro Lips who had fallen behind the pack. We stayed together and I gallantly showed her my short cut that I knew from having lived in the area in the past: down into the ravine, across the stream (still on trail) then ignore that path going uphill and take this other one up to the ridge. Sho nuff we found trail coming down from above and followed it all the way back to the road we started from.

But just before that Penile Dementia suddenly appeared in front of us, bloodied and complaining that his ear hurt. It seems the rambo trail had taken a steep and slippery line down through bamboo and Mr Dementia had taken a tumble before rejoining the wimp trail. No worries, all superficial stuff.

Back at the pagoda, doe-eyed couples stood gazing out over the lights of Sha Tin far below, hoping to snatch a snog under the stars. They hadn’t bargained for the quip-a-minute raucousness of the Northern New Territories Hash as the GM whipped us into shape with beery humiliations. Yes, there was a constant stream of disappointed couples coming and going at this romantic aerie in the clouds.

Finest moment: the re-enactment of the (re)naming of Bukkake as Catch Of The Day performed a beerkkake on him with a can of Asahi.

– Golden Balls

Photo: Shek Kong Hash, 8 February 2004. Facing camera: Bogbrush (hare), Pieman (GM), Homo Sumo (?), Liberace, Homo Pigeon, Golden Balls