The Beacon of Bird Hill
“I suspect it’ll be the usual Salesman run where he gets lost, you catch him, then have to escort him back home” – 2015 the Prophet Luk Sup Gow (piss be upon him) A Salesman run eh? we’ve all done them. Here’s the 10 step plan to make your run a true Salesman run…. i) Find somewhere different to start the run Salesman had found a lovely small park surrounded by lorries, oil, and sweaty men in blue overalls smoking fags. ii) The hare must be absent at the start of the run Salesman was not to be seen at the start, only a bemused Lok Sup Gow stood watching hashers drive past back and forth with their passenger seats occupied by someone frantically flicking through maps whilst pointing in random directions. iii) Never leave instructions The pack (Mango Groove, Catch Of The Day, Luk Dim Boon, Penile Dementia, Liberace, Bukkake, One Eyed Jack and Eunuch) were vaguely waved off in a random direction by LSG. iv) Actually set an intricate, technical and highly enjoyable first portion of the run. Over half an hour into the run, the pack were still tightly together on what seemed a well planned, knowledgeable and fiddly little run – perfect for a hot summer’s night. v) Enusre that the Chinese contingent go wrong. Liberace, Luk Dim Boon and Penile Dementia detached themselves from the pack by strategically missing the large on-on markings, opting instead to run towards an irate shouting local man, who quite literally didn’t want them “up his tunnel”. vi) Completely shit on your own great work by sending the pack up a near vertical shiggy trail, whilst not having a clue where you are going. There was an upside to this. Mango Groove also got lost on the side of the mountain and produced a truly stunning neck extention, screaming like a bitch for assistance. vii) Justify the prophet LSG by getting caught by the pack whilst neck deep in bush, holding up a half packet of flour in one hand, chalk in the other, explaining that everywhere is a dead end, meanwhile a voice from the pack says “what about this way?” (pointing towards an obvious trail). Catch Of The Day then noticed some pink ribbons in the trees – due to her hot pants, we all followed. viii) Hand over all flour, paper and chalk to the pack, and lead (from behind) everyone home. The pack was led by sundry hashers home. Firstly Catch Of The Day, who gracefully handed this duty over to Bukkake. His lead came to an end at a spider’s web, and after at least 10 full seconds of cowering in front of it, he was eventually pushed face first through it by an impatient Catch Of The Day, and subsequently trampled over by the rest of the pack. Mango and Eunuch led home from that point on. ix) Get a picture taken of everyone at the mountain top, so that it looked like a great run. We did that too. x) Back at the bucket, crash out on the floor at 10:30pm, drink heavily and offer no apologies for the run. One Eyed Jack had already left by the time we got back, and luckily LSG and Golden Balls didn’t drink the bucket dry (though they tried very hard). – Eunuch And here’s another contribution There are absolutes. Unalterable, inalienable facts that constrain our existence. We cannot live without oxygen. Jobbies smell bad and should be avoided. Stubbing your toe on the table leg is really painful. And Salesman will not recce his run but rather get hopelessly lost setting it until the pack finds him hours later, exhausted, in the midst of shiggy, glaring wildly around like some demented Caliban. And so it came to pass at Salesman’s run from the industrial wastes of Fanling. Trail first led out through the minor urban sprawl of southern Fanling , bobbing and weaving in a manner that flattered to deceive. After half an hour the first inklings of hash erection were encountered in the foothills. A confusing on-on immediately followed by arrows leading right into shiggy split the pack. Liberace, Penile Dementia and Luk Dim Boon all followed the arrows into shiggy and lost trail. They eventually worked their way down to Lau Shui Heung Reservoir and back to the start after being out for around an hour and a half. “Smart Chinese” was how Liberace characterised this trail abdication, a sentiment echoed by One Eyed Jack who got back around the same time, having simply turned around when he saw the confusion. “Stupid” was his verdict on the hashers who had carried on uphill. Sure enough, the remaining pack – Bukkake, Catch Of The Day, Eunuch and Mango Groove – found themselves following trail laid far from any known path, heading for the summit of Bird Hill, which is where they came upon the utterly exhausted hare half way up the mountain still trying to push his way through the tangles up to the top. Galvanised by the appearance of the pack, Salesman joined it in pushing through and up to the trig point, where they had a photo stop before descending by proper trails, reaching home after two and a half hours. The usual nonsense ensued with Mango leading the circle, the lowlight of which was a luksupgow performed by Catch Of The Day on an inebriated Golden Balls (he’d been to a whisky tasting) in which both participants went beyond the normal bounds of hash indecency.