Magical Mystery Tour

The 1700th Run could have been an absolute mare. The hugely ambitious undertaking by Hong Kong’s smallest hash – on probably the hottest day of the year – was fraught with logistical difficulties and last-minute obstacles, including a heat exhaustion hospitalisation, but somehow it all came together on the day, with 84 runners counted in. Is anybody still out there? We have four reports for your instruction and delight, and several photo galleries (photos by Luk Sup Gow, One Eyed Jack, Shek Kong Coming and Walky Talky).

THE WIMPS

After the briefing administered by the Headmistress GM, Velcro Lips, at which we were strongly admonished to get on the right bus, about 30 of us followed Mango Groove, holding his WIMPS notice, onto a bus and off we went. We were then given some more good news; our bags would NOT be going to B and we would have to carry them or take with us what we felt we needed at B. I was left thinking of all those nice little bags I could have brought with me to carry assorted kit – asthma inhaler, adrenalin injector for hornet sting shock treatment (won’t need that on a wimps trail…), fragrant roll-on, bananas, biscuits…) I then asked Universal Wanker if he would mind carrying my food in his back-pack but he declined; wanker! Mango agreed but I never saw my biscuits again! So, on arrival at A at Luk Keng we debussed for another briefing, this time by Mango. Basically it would be jungle rules; only one trail. Wimps would be an hour and super-wimps 10 minutes less. Carry water. Then we were off at 3pm sharp; on-on was left through the village where a couple of checks were quickly solved and we were next up a rough village path into the hills of Pat Sin Leng Country park. This was very pleasant and well marked with a couple more checks to keep the pack together. Then the trail split with super-wimps going down and wimps going up through a couple more checks and then to a third with all the FRBs going up and then back down again and we were off down right into the shiggy, Penile Dementia keeping me company most of the way. After a while, we rejoined the wimps trail and started overtaking them out into the Nam Chung village fishponds and the blazing sun. Here it started to become a struggle for most as we emerged onto Nam Chung Road and turned left for about 800m. It was at the end of this baking hot road section that Butterfly collapsed from heat exhaustion and was administered to by some FRBs including Anal Invitation, who accompanied her to hospital in the ambulance. (There may be stories to tell about CPR and mouth to mouth here but not from me!) The survivors staggered on up the never ending steps of the ancient boulder pathway which is now the Nam Chung Country Trail. After a kilometre and 25 minutes of hard slogging I arrived suddenly at B for a total run time of 55 minutes, just right for a wimps, thank you; pity about the 32C heat, RA! It was a relief to sink into the cool waters of the beautiful rock pool, swiftly vacated by several frolicking semi-naked maidens and their boyfriends as ever increasing numbers of dirty and dishevelled hashers and harriettes trundled in to displace them. As I floated in the pool nursing an ice-cold beer I wondered how the hell anyone managed to get up here carrying boxes of beer, softies and crates of ice; well done to all who helped. – Gunpowder Plod

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THE RAMBOS

So we turned up at University with “2 o’clock and don’t be late!!!!” echoing in our ears, from GM Velcro Lip’s email.

Tin Tin was heard to say “F%@K sake!!! who are all these people!!??”

It was pretty obvious. Word had got around Hong Kong that the Northern New Territories Hash were going to put on a good day of hashing. In fact, as we were all going to find out, it was a good deal of time, effort and shear ballsy-ness, turning out into a superb day!

At University, the GM (who looked like she’d got between Mayweather and Pacquiao) gave us the brief that there were two buses. One for the wimps and one for the rambos. “DO NOT!!! get on the Rambo’s bus if you are NOT a REAL Rambo,” she said.

As usual, there’s always the odd one that knows better!!!

On we split to the various buses pertaining to our levels of alcohol consumption from the night before. I got caught up in a group of hashers who somehow ushered me onto the nearest bus, which to my horror turned out to be for the rambos!!! “Let me OFF!!”……*nobody is listening*…….*oh well*…….

“You will not see your bag until 1930 at the earliest!!” came a shout from the front.

……Not unless you carry it with you of course ….. ;o)

Down the Tolo highway we proceeded in the direction of Tai Po with everybody guessing where we were heading. Straight past the turn off for Kam Tin (calm down Tin Tin!) and on on to Fanling. Through the industrial estate short-cut and onto Sha Tau Kok Road in the direction of Luk Keng.

Just as we thought we were going on round to Luk Keng, the bus stopped in a lay-by and off we got.

“Everybody go to the toilet!!” shouted Catch of the Day, and dutifully we all obeyed! (There’s going to be no peeing on this trail if she’s got anything to do with it!)

So, as the queue built up for the one and only toilet, Eunuch chalked out the markings for everyone to see on the road……..

“NOT THERE UNICK!!” shouted Catch of the Day, who was stood in front of a temple, “OVER HERE!!” (Oops, Unack’s in for it now I thought)

So COTD gives the brief: “There is a rambo and super-rambo split, and it’s marked like this………”No, it’s not!” came Unock’s reply “It’s marked like this”….. and off we jolly well trundled.

Through some lovely chilled-out village with a number of checks to keep the front runners from venturing too far ahead, and onto an ancient trail that wound on up the hill with Sha Tau Kok Road to our backs.

And up we went………..and up………up…….up….(*are we there yet!?*) ……. and up……..up….

“Erm, Serbian Bomber, arn’t you going the wrong way?”. “No, I know exactly where I am and I know a great shortcut”

……..and up….. and… up…….and……

“WATCH OUT A HORNETS NEST ARRRRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!” (Writers note ; if theres one thing that will get hornets a little bit upset, its being a tadge noisy) …..and sprinting back down trail came Smallbone not looking very happy at all.

Apparently we had disturbed a hornets’ nest on trail and they weren’t best pleased with all the racket!

“Shhhhh” said I, “We need to be silent and go quietly past.” So, the Filipina lady in front of me (sorry, forgot your name) went stealthily forward, followed by me 10 paces behind. All going well until the lady lost her nerve and off she fled, shouting “I’m clear!!” just as I got level with the nest!!! (*me finks, best I start running at this point!!!*) Anyway, I got off lightly with only one sting to my ar…bottom.

And so we continued up and up and finally, after about an hour, a few mega neck extensions and lots of fluid consumed, we summitted the hill to find COTD, stood on Nam Chung Country Trail at the rambos and super-rambos split.

Marked on the ground (and nothing like what she or Hoonark said at the start!) was marked ‘Beer’ to the right.

Oh, yes! *do I look like I just got off the last banana boat!* “I’ll be going left then!!”

And down the trail a few of us went. (Pissed Principal In Pink, Filthy Festering Felch Monster, Skirt Climber and a young lady he was running with but not sure of her hash name, to name a few).

Not very far I might add, where we came across the first plunge pools. In we went for a quick cool down before we carried on down to the next plunge pool area, and, as it happens, the business location, where the wimps were getting well stuck in to the lovely cold beverages.

Time to rehydrate!!!

Smallbone came in a short while later looking like Homer Simpson (and to be honest it did look painfull!) with many hashers having tales of how they’d managed to circumnavigate the hornets’ nest, others telling where they’d been stung, and a few hashers wondering how they’d been conned into going on the super-rambos!!

Business was conducted in an orderly fashion with a few visiting luminaries’s to break up Velcro’s and RA Mango Groove’s ramblings [namely Pugak, Smallbone, Liberace doing a “Learning With Libs” turn, and Parkie] and lots of beer consumed by all and sundry.

With the drinks starting to run out, we all started to move on down the hill towards the waiting transport. On the way down, we passed Serbian Bomber whose shortcut had obviously not been as short as he thought!!!

The main buses were a little further than we anticipated so a little beer stop was required at a village daipaidong. Then it was onto a minibus which then ferried us to the waiting transport, (where a very able Chemical Ali kept the party moving along very nicely) and on into Fan Ling for food and further alcohol consumption.

It was at this point that things started to get very hazy…………..On-On!!! – Moonie

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Little Sai Wan joined us for the day. Here’s their take on the run

THE GUESTS

As this week’s hare was having so much fun on the Northern New Territories 1700 anniversary hash, he had forgotten to take any notes …

Well the N2TH3 certainly laid on a right extravaganza for the LSW on HKSAR establishment day. Meeting at University MTR station in sizzling 35 degree heat (more of that later), the hashers were told sternly that they had to choose between the wimps/super-wimps and rambos/super-rambos bus. And ominously the GM of the N2TH3 hash said there was no going back. As the rambo trail had been set than none other than Catch Of The Day, the well-known completely mad-hat Japanese hasher known for some really crazy f***ed up trails, I chose sensibly to board the Wimps bus, as I did not fancy another two to three hours running around the hills having just recced the LSW Choi Hung special earlier in the day.  Having been told by Mango, a well known N2TH3 and Kowloon hasher, that his wimps trails should take about an hour, that sounded much better.

The GM then told us that since the B was in the middle of nowhere with no road access and a 15 minute hike back to the main road and another 10 minutes by Private Light Bus back to the big buses that we should take with us on the run whatever we wanted for the circle. Not particularly useful for those with large packs …. but it turned out that in fact you really did not need a bag anyway. After a few normal hash noises like the WTF and oh god this sounds like a bloody nightmare everyone settled down.

And so it was, on hash time at least 30 minutes later than billed, the buses set off on their magical mystery tour.

The wimps bus came to a halt at the pagoda in front of the Luk Keng cafeterias. We were all turfed off the bus, listened to a few instructions and started running in the scorching heat through villages and fish farms. The first section of trail led us through the old Luk Keng village before joining the Wilson Trail leading from Pat Sin Leng. A wimps/super-wimps split took the FRBs up, over and down through some shiggy before joining back together. The trail then led through an occupied village area with pretty fishponds before coming out onto Nam Chung Road. For the first two thirds of the wimps trail, the pack of lead runners – including the famous Anal Invitation, my good self, Butterfly of Wanchai fame and Camel kept on falling over each other as the carefully designed checks did their dastardly work. In the last third, there were mercifully very few checks and I ploughed on to finish the wimps so far ahead of the rest of the pack I could not really understand it. With the wimps heading back up into the hills, the pack was quite confused ….. quite easy for hashers with only half a mind.

Later, the reason why an unfit middle aged hasher had come in so far in front of the main pack became apparent. Anal Invitation who had been living up to his erstwhile hash name, Anal Retreat, had been running just behind the lovely Butterfly who had fainted straight into his arms. Anal Invitation insisted later that he had been a complete gentleman, but there were rumours that in fact he’d been running far too close to Butterfly and she’d fainted because of the stench coming from Anal’s plastic fantastic hash shirt! Anal valiantly took Butterfly to hospital for a little rehydration and a quick check-up and turned up later with a refreshed Butterfly in tow at the bash.

Back to the run …. so after climbing for a steady 10 minutes I ran down to a refreshing pool with no hashers in sight and the only evidence of B was a circle on the bridge over the stream with a B inside it. Even my small hashing brain deduced that despite the lack of any hashers or beer I had probably reached B, although I was wondering where the hell was the beer and ice and where were they going to circle up. I spotted a clue to the beer ‘problem’ on the final climb with a couple of wrinkled gentleman carrying heavy hold-alls full of white and green cans! The N2TH3 had carried the beer and other drinks the night before and hidden them in the undergrowth in black bin liners! The answer to the circle ‘issue’ was answered as 20 feet beneath the bridge was a large pool with a small staging area on the other side of the stream. As I lay in the water I realised why they chosen such a tranquil spot for B and more runners, beer and ice began to appear.

The first Rambo back was one of the super fit Phillipina ladies, much to the incredulity of most of the wimps, but since I had spotted her climb onto the rambo bus I congratulated her and wondered if I had done the rambos how much behind her I would have finished. The first super-rambo back was our very own Crash Test Dummy, who frankly looked a bit knackered and extremely hot. CTD then spent 10 minutes lying in the water groaning and said that although the run was only about 6.5km long it took him 1 hours 40 minutes to finish it.  Crazy shiggy and big hills – classic Catch Of The Day madness on the hottest day of the year thus far. Inflato was probably about 10 minutes behind Crash Test although belying his years he looked like he was about to fall over dead from exhaustion …… well done boys. Any Dick’ll Do cruised in from doing the super-rambos looking like she’d done an afternoon stroll ….. perhaps she hadn’t not wanted to finish too far ahead of Smallbone??

The circle was eventually called once beer and ice had been piled up on the stage. With Velcro Lips, the first female GM of the N2TH3 in 25 years, strutting her stuff ably supported by Mango and some other N2TH3 stalwarts who were really rather funny. The circle then degenerated as Mr Parky who is probably only marginally funnier than me (extremely worrying) gave a few down downs before the circle came to a natural halt as we ran out of beer – but not before the hashers had thanked the porters. The LSWers just managing to get a single rendition of the hash song much to the amusement of N2TH3ers – the second rendition being swiftly abandoned due to lack of any beer to refresh the vocal chords!!

The hashers then gradually filed off down the hill where another comedy ensemble with the lack of transport as we were too early, with some hashers walking the wrong way. Filthy Festering Flech Monster car-jacking some random Chinese couple’s Jaguar XJ with foul smelling sweaty hashers filling up the back seat. Eventually we all made it back to the buses [via a minibus shuttle], more ice and beer was swiftly procured and we started sing dirty old hash songs on the way to the dai pai dong somewhere near Fanling.  A superb on-on was organised and trays of Chinese slop consumed – we all piled back onto the buses and On On On to Wanchai.

Well done to the N2TH3 hash for organising such a great day out with Plod assisting with procuring the porters apparently the day before the hash! – Little Sai Wanker

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And if you can stomach any more, here’s a hare’s-eye-view of the proceedings – a Bogbrush-like drama

THE HARES

Title: Living on the Edge, in 12 scenes

Scene 1. Early May. A daipaidong somewhere in the New Territories in spring

Velcro Lips (GM):…”Right children, we have the 1700th run coming up, and according to Golden Balls’ calculations it falls on the July 1st public holiday…any ideas?”

Mango:…”Let’s hire a pink bus, drive it around all day and get totally pissed”

Catch Of The Day:…”I think we should do something special. How about we set individual trails and call it an alphabet run?”

GM:…”Well done COTD, we’ll call it a magical mystery tour, and we must have a water feature at the end.”

COTD:.. “Excellent. We’ll recruit Eunuch as well and I’ll make sure we set a nice simple run.”

Sticky Apid Bottom Exudate:…”Wonderful! I shall design a poster to advertise our event.”

GM: … “Well done children…now who wants to be in the N2TH3 dragon boat team this year?”

Scene 2. Dragon boat day, Saturday 20 June, Tai Po Waterfront Park

GM:…”Right, you lot, have we got everything sorted?”

Eunuch:…”COTD and myself have found a brilliant run, it’s gonna be brilliant, it’s the most brilliant run ever, in fact it’s so brilliant it’s the most brilliantly brilliant thing in brillville!”

COTD:…”Yes! Good run. We only need to do a final recce next Saturday. Just a simple little finishing up sort of recce…I think Eunuch and Mango can handle it.”

Eunuch:…”Ok, but Mango will have to call me cos even though I’ a geek I don’t know how to make telephone calls on my smartphone.

Scene 3. Saturday 27 June, 11am …four days before the big event

Mango:…”Hi Eunuch you spackhead, I’ve been trying to call you all morning, we need to go and finalise the trails for the 1700th run.”

Eunuch:…”Ok, but answer me one thing, are you a giver or a taker?”

Mango:…”I don’t understand what on Earth you’re saying.”

Eunuch:…”You have to get on my motorbike and put your arms around my waist, and since we are going to have a special few moments together I need to know, are you a giver or a taker?”

Mango:.. ”Well if you must know, I’m more of a giver than a taker.”

Eunuch:…Right. put this helmet on, wrap your arms tightly around my waist and press your crutch firmly against my bum bone.”

Scene 4. Saturday 27 June 12-30pm…Luk Keng Road

Eunuch:….”What does that sign mean, Mango?”

Mango:…”What sign?”

Eunuch:…”That big red circle with a cross through a bus and the words ‘without permit’.”

Mango:…”It means no buses can go through here unless the driver has special permission and the only buses I have ever seen here were those moving people around for the North Face 100K race, back in January”

Scene 5. Saturday 27 June 12-35pm… Eunuch turns a strange shade of orange

Eunuch:…”Oh no! We’re completely screwed, the run is ruined, we can’t get the buses to where the run starts and finishes ..sniff..sniff...The 80-plus people that are coming are gonna laugh at us…sniff … sniff…they’re gonna call us twats and all sorts of rude things. How come Little Sai Wan always get it right and we always make a complete bollocks of everything…sniff…sniff?”

Mango:…”Come on Eunuch…we might as well see if we can salvage something.”

Eunuch:…”Get on the motorbike – don’t forget the pressing bit – and let’s go around the corner from Nam Chung and see if we can find something at least.”

Mango:…”Good man Eunuch…that’s the ‘N2TH3 spirit’.”

Scene 6. Saturday 27 June, 1-50pm…after climbing up 1 km from Nam Chung Country Park entrance to the water pool

Eunuch… “Come on Mango, jump in.”

Mango… “Are you completely nuts Eunuch, how do you expect us to get beer, softies, water and ice up this bloody hill for 80+ plus hashers?”

Eunuch… “Don’t worry about it…watch me jump…yipp…eeee!”

Scene 7. Tuesday 30 June, 9-30 am…one day before the big event

COTD:…”Eunuch and Mango, have you completed the final recce and sorted out where the buses can go?”

Eunuch:…”Well erm actually the news is not good, we have a slight logistical nightmare.”

Mango:…”Logistical nightmare is wrong, we have no run finished and no idea what to do with the buses or drinks or ice…you see we cannot get people or buses in nor out from where we want to start and finish.”

COTD:…”I knew it was a bad idea leaving you two English muffins to set a trail…I was better off asking somebody foreign like Crash Test Dummy to help me. Get in my car you pair of knuckleheads and lets go set a trail.”

 Scene 8. Tuesday 30 June, 10-30 am…a historical ancestral village on Sha Tau Kok Road

COTD…”Right, we’re going to set the rambos and super rambos through here and up the side of that hill.”

Mango…”That’s not a hill, that’s a friggin mountain. Can’t we just set a nice 45-minute run.”

COTD…”No Mango, we’re going to have some very fast LSW and WH3 runners and we need to break them both physically and mentally.”

Eunuch…”Stop chatting. Velcro will be at the start at 4-30pm with the drinks, so let’s get this trail set.”

Scene 9. Tuesday 30 June, 2-30 pm…lunch break back at the Luk Keng café, joined by Bukkake, Golden Balls and Tim (Golden Balls’ nephew visiting from Dublin).

Golden Balls:…”Just back from safari…been out all day doing a wetland survey with Bukkake…far end of Plover Cove Reservoir…tough work don’t ya know. Velcro said to meet her here later, she’s bringing two coolies and they’re going to carry everything up the hill to the water pool.”

COTD:…”Mango and Eunuch will finish setting the wimps and super-wimps and Golden Balls and myself will check out the bus parking for the the rambos on Sha Tau KOK Road. Sorry. The wimps will start from Luk Keng.”

Scene 10. Tuesday 30 June, 4-30 pm…everyone meets back at the Luk Keng café

Golden Balls:… “We need some rickshaws to get everyone back from B to the buses.”

COTD:…”Let me flash my boobies at this nice PLB driver, maybe we can hire him for an hour.”

Golden Balls:…”Great idea…should I flash mine as well?”

Scene 11. Tuesday 30 June, 5-30 pm…PLB driver confirms he is OK to help us with transport, but politely asks Golden Balls to keep his shirt on. Velcro Lips appears with Jam The Vag and Boy and a motor stashed with drinks.

Scene 12. Tuesday 30 June 8-30 pm…all drinks have been moved up the hill, Golden Balls confirms final arrangements for ice with the assistance of Golden Jelly. Everyone confirms their final roles for the day, Mango to sweep the wimps/super-wimps, Eunuch to sweep the rambos, COTD to sweep the super-rambos and Velcro to drive to Nam Chung with our Philipino friends for ice transport. The entire hare/logistics team are absolutely shattered, having all done heavy carries up the hill, but relieved their plan has come together in the very last hours before the 1700th run. At the steps of Nam Chung Country Park Velcro Lips speaks the final words: “I love living on the edge.” – Mango Groove

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