Run 1731, 20 January 2016, Shek Kong Catchwater

The Impossible Virgin

virgin trail

[Run report prepared by the hare as penance for failing to attend and report on Run 1730 held the previous week and because no other bugger offered to report on his run]

Hashers probably groaned in the belief that every conceivable run had already been done on numerous occasions from the Sek Kong catchwater. Pre-run the hare had been hounded (through WhatsApp) by Catch Of The Day as to the length and nature of the run: “I hope it’s not too short and wimpy. I like it rough, long and hard.” The hare assured that the run, set with invaluable assistance of SP Wandering Wanker, was partially on virgin trail and he anticipated it would take over the hour.

Not to be deterred by the somewhat cold and damp conditions a fairly sizeable pack (about 20?) duly turned up at the start although notable absentees were Stingray (reportedly hard at it, knitting a scarf for his auntie) and Plod (disappeared without trace some months ago but considered unlikely to be a guest on the mainland following recent publication of his expose The Accidental Prawn. Enquiries are continuing at the highest level).

Given that it was his birthday, Walkie Talkie enticed hubby Fartypants to the catchwater with the siren call “Baby Let Me Light Your Fire”. Expecting a bit of a romp Farty was somewhat put out when Walkie Talkie produced firelighters and a box of matches and lit a bonfire. But Farty’s disappointment was turned into a triumph as the hashers were greeted by the cheery blaze. After champagne (generously provided by Fartypants and Walkie Talkie) and a heart-breaking rendition of “Happy Birthday” the pack was called to order by Liberace and briefed by the hare who gave a masterful demonstration of how to give a clear and precise briefing “a partially virgin trail, shiggy, stream crossings marked with chalk, flour and buffalo dung. Wimps and rambos runs and the latter should take just over the hour”.

The pack set off at about 7:45 and what happened thereon is unknown to your scribe as he sat at the bonfire enjoying the odd beer or three. However, impressively after just over 45 minutes Crash Test Dummy ran in from the rambo trail and confirmed that despite rain earlier in the day that the markings were still intact. He was followed a few minutes later by Mango Groove, Catch Of The Day and a number of others. G Spot also ran in from the rambos’ direction but under questioning shamefacedly admitted he’d run the wimps and then looped back on to the last few hundred metres of the rambos. The first genuine wimp back was that stalwart Golden Balls who then berated the Hare because he hadn’t marked the incoming trail on the wimps (despite the hare having explained the lack of marking at the briefing and that the incoming trail was already well known to the hashers) and that he was fearful Serbian Bomber amongst others may well get lost. Under the influence of drink the hare then set off to mark the last part of the incoming trail but failed to take a torch and was soon stumbling about in the pitch darkness. Fortunately, he was rescued by the last hasher in, none other than Serbian Bomber!

GB then confirmed that the trail up was indeed hash virgin territory because serial short cutter One Eyed Jack and omnipotent know-it-all Dingaling had said so during the run!

Liberace and Penile Dementia held an entertaining circle (so entertaining I cannot remember anything about it!) and then threw open the circle to the pack. I recall several hashers “dished the dirt” on others but again the precise details escape me (I am, after all, the oldest hasher and senility cannot be too far off).

The circle broke up about 10:15 but eight or so of the hashers went on to a local curry restaurant for an excellent meal paid for by Fartypants (Is there no end to his generosity or has he finally flipped?).

The consensus appeared to be that all-in-all it was a good run, circle and on-on (“thank heavens it didn’t rain during or after the run” and “thanks to my SP, Fartypants and Walkie Talkie for your invaluable contributions to the night” : the Hare).. – Dram

Run 1730, 13 January 2016, Lin Ma Hang

An Open And Closed Wound


“Goldenball, I’m in trouble,” spake the hare on the phone. “I’ve broken my hand. Can you come to Sh***<<^^^*<>?”


“<><>take ^=+= to the run **** briefing!”

“Come again?”

And so I found myself at Sheung Shui railway station at 6.45, where Catch Of The Day was sitting in her Land Rover with a horrendous hand / wrist injury, with what looked like a massive detached tendon sticking up under the skin. Crash Test Dummy was there and insisting on driving COTD to hospital, but she was having none of it. “The run! The run!” was the mantra. “I’ll drive myself to hospital one handed. The run is the thing!” By this time Golden Jelly had arrived, and after a lot of ranting and pouting from COTD about having to do her run, the three of us left her to her own devices. Now that’s what I call commitment.

It was actually a bit of a special run, in the newly opened Lin Ma Hang section of the border area, opened up just a few days beforehand, and this was the first hash there. Directions were to go up Ping Che Road, past the checkpoint and into the old closed area, then turn right on Lin Ma Hang Road for about 2.5km before taking a left up to one of the seven MacIntosh forts that line this section of (riverless) border.

My original plan was to link up with Dram at Lam Tsuen and get a lift with him, but the mayday from COTD put the kaibosh on that. Thus the newly 69-year-old sallied forth alone. This is what he had to say:

“I see I’m down to do the run report, and would have done so willingly, but having spent until nearly 8:45pm trying to find the run site and failing it will be somewhat difficult for me to do so. Indeed, part of my search for the run site involved a nightmare of me driving along an increasingly bumpy and narrowing track through scrubland/woods/isolated shacks. I finally decided it must be wrong and turned back. Unfortunately there were so many very similar tracks that  I couldn’t find the way back and thus got lost. It took me 40 minutes to get back to the Ping Che Road! One local who was cooking his dinner and into whose backyard I drove twice was friendly but his “turn right then left” directions (dune yaw and dune jaw) turned out to be round the wrong way and led me even deeper into the unknown where I came upon two other characters repairing an excavator who were decidedly unfriendly and indicated I was mad and should ‘clear off’. At this point I was beginning to feel I’d somehow got into a horror movie scenario with a poor innocent (me) driving around  in remote sparsely populated countryside on Wednesday the 13th until my petrol ran out and I’d be caught by zombies and then ………..Oh God no !!!!! I’m sleeping with the light on tonight. Hang the expense!”

Eventually about a dozen hashers assembled at the fort: Gaele Says No, Luk Dim Boon, Dingaling, G-Spot, Stingray, Liberace, Velcro Lips, One Eyed Jack, plus GB, GJ and CTD. The briefing was delivered, complete with a warning of trenches that had to be leapt, and off we went, uphill to the fort (trenches!) and down a shiggy descent to Lin Ma Hang Road. A couple of clever checks took us into a region of elephant grass with loads of trails cut through. Towards the end of this sector GM Liberace managed a superlative shortcut, but then went awry, so as we were all heading east we could hear his plaintive voice to the west: “Ah yoo? Ah yoo?” How we tittered as we ran off to the west calling “On on!”

A bit more running past fields took us to an unknown village, and then into an orchard area. At this point we’d arrived behind a ridge to the north that separated us from the border. At the check we sensed trail had to go north to regain the border, so we started rampaging through the orchards, only for an irate farm lady to come out and tell us to bugger off from her farm. Eunuch said, “Don’t worry darling, we love you,” and Mango retorted with “Blah blah blag government land blah you have no right blah.”

Eventually we found ourselves on a lovely trail winding up over the low hill and into, well, more shiggy. Hooray! The path down became steadily more treacherous. At this point, having gone terribly wrong in the orchards, I was sweeping up the rear with with Velcro abd OEJ, and we stuck together until the end of the run. But up on the top of the hill, looking back, we could see two lights down below. Who could they possibly be? Liberace, of course, and…Stingray.

Trail descended to a stream canopied with trees and fraught with stream obstacles. Here, Luk Dim Boon started to fall off a ledge and Mango grabbed him, only to feel himself teetering over the edge as well. “Effing well let go of me!” He yelled as he wrenched his hand away from the unfortunate LDB.

It was half a mile of dodging and weaving before we emerged into an agricultural area and the R/W split. The rambos could be heard on another hill to the south – the one on which the hare had come a cropper – but OEJ, VL and I decided to take the wimp route home, which turned out to be a couple of km along Lin Ma Hang Road back to the fort. Initially we ran past the sentry post for the still-closed bit of the border (having hashed our way into it undetected), but the duty copper was all smiles and really didn’t care that we were running OUT of the closed area. Top cop!

Back at the finish we had the usual rambunctious circle illuminated by close views of the Shenzhen skyscrapers just a few hundred metres away. And we were even able to offer, at 2240hrs, some beers to a group of cyclists who rode up looking for the fort. They asked which hiking group we were and we said, “We’re the hash,” to which one of them replied, “Oh, the on-on guys.” Notoriety at last.

And the hare? Well it turned out she had a stick embedded in her arm, which had somehow entered when she took a tumble setting the run and the entry wound closed up. A dozen stitches later and there she was in hospital. – Golden Balls



Run 1729, 6 January 2016, Tit Hang

Rumpus Over A Flower


Through the dragon fruit farm back yard to the abandoned pig farms in Tit Hang, we arrived at the construction site for Golden Balls and Golden Jelly’s future love nest. White zinc roof, unfinished red brick walls and freshly unveiled soil that had been under the pig house for half a century. In a dark room almost the size of a badminton court, Golden Balls was sitting on the only furniture, an old blue Chesterfield armchair, welcoming the hashers’ arrival: Penile Dementia, Liberace, Gaele Says No, Catch Of The Day, Velcro Lips, Luk Dim Boon, Soul Man, Sauvignon Bomber (?), Mango Groove, Eunuch, One Eyed Jack.

I don’t know what Liberace was expecting, but he said, “Oh my god, this isn’t even a house, it’s just a shank.” Latecomer Mango became speechless and his eyeballs was almost popped out from his face when he entered the room. Soon he got a big image picture of what it will look like in two months. Then he had a big smile on his face. It was nice for us to see the before and after.

Hare Golden Balls gave the briefing. “A big cross made of toilet paper is an open check, as is the usual flour circle. A flour circle with spikes means trail is laid in each spike direction, three blobs of flour and you’re on. Start is out the gate and through the shiggy avenue behind the grave.”

Trail went immediately into shiggy. The FRBs (Luk Dim Boon, Eunuch, Liberace, Mango) crawled up the shiggy hill to the north, delayed by two paper-cross checks. Finally we emerged on to the ridge with spectacular views of Shenzhen. At the first check on the ridge, Catch Of The Day took the left followed by Velcro Lips. But Eunuch took the right and lead the group into a steep descent. Suddenly Golden Jelly standing on her rooftop saw the bunch of lights coming  towards her. She stopped the group in its tracks, shouting, “Go back, go back! It’s the old trail from last month. Assholes.”  Luk Dim Boon, Gaele Says No, Mango and Eunuch reluctantly climbed back up to the ridge.  At the second check on the top of the hill, Eunuch took the right and COTD the left trail. COTD called, “First flour”, and after 20m down the hill called “second flour”, crossed her fingers and searched for the third blob, then heard Eunuch shout “ON ON” from the other trail. “Fuxx! Again?”

From there it was a nice easy run along the ridge and down to Ma Tso Lung, where all the FRBs were clogged at an unsolveable check in an orchard. Lberace said, “I went everywhere but noooooo trail.” Eunuch bravely went into a shiggy jungle but couldn’t see any trail there. Meanwhile Penile Dementia arrived with a walking stick and disappeared in bushes too, as did Soul Man. Smart COTD thought it must be a check back, and found shining white flour next to an abandoned house only 30m from the check. Now all the pack was running together except Velcro, One Eyed Jack and Sauvignon Bomber.  The flour took us to a local village area where people were having dinner with their families. Some of the villagers were very friendly and cheered us up with “Diu Diu!”. Eunuch cheerfully sang Chrismas songs for them.

After leaving the village zone, we came to Lo Wu Classification Range (shooting range) entrance. There we had a three-way check. Eunuch went left this time and COTD followed him. One flour, two flours and no more flour. Eunuch turned back followed by Liberace and COTD. Sole Man, being new to N2TH3, didn’t know what was going on and COTD explained to him, “There are only two flours and we didn’t find the third one. That’s why we got to go back to the check and see another direction”. Sole Man asked me, “What does the flower look like?” COTD said, “It’s white, about 10cm in diameter”. Armed with this knowledge, Sole Man finally understood, went off to find the flower and disappeared in the dark.

Meanwhile Gaele Says No, Luk Dim Boon and Sauvignon Bomber got the  check right and were running on home. After a 2km flat road run, we finally return to the Golden nestle where cold beers were waiting for us. Half an hour later Sole Man arrived. – Catch Of The Day






Run 1728, 30 December 2015,Diamond Hill

The designated scribe didn’t do this joint run (although he was there) so we’ve nicked Hopeless’s report for Little Sai Wan

Diamond Hill to The Love Shack

Hares – Inflato (that’s Oranguwank to us – Ed.) and Yummy Mummy

View from the Love Shack, or something like it

Dubbed “The X Factor Run” this hash was all about Love Shack visit #10 (X), and not some baloney reality TV show. The promise of Yummy Mummy hospitality brought out a few notable returnees, not least Any Dick Will Do and Smallbone, along with Fourus. This was also a joint run with N2TH3 who honoured LSWH3 with the massive presence of … four.

Starting outside Exit A1 of Diamond Hill MTR, the usual rush just before 7pm as the likes of Sweaty and The Parkys arrived just in time for the briefing. “Single run with on-on arrows including one marked as NNT / LSW”. “So two runs?” asked Frank The Plank, obviously not paying attention.

“Only three checks” were advised by Inflato, “but a number of check backs”. Oh, yeah, we’ve seen an Inflato CB on a Wednesday night … in particular the 1.2km CB at Sha Tin Pass a few years ago. We were not be disappointed by this run’s check backs either.

Wai Chee Kok sped up Lung Poon Street and on towards Po Kong Village Park pursued by Hopeless, Lost In Translation and Smallbone. First check takes the pack into Tsz Wan Shan Service Reservoir, alongside the cemetery. Second check solved by Hopeless as WCK and Burning Lust take the wrong options, and then the start of the up up up. Comes Up The Rear now adds to the front runners as we take old paths through the previous squatter village areas, trail not trodden on for some time.

Anal Invitation and Wanchai Wanker catch up on the long check back up the hill, to cut left onto the contour and another CB already anticipated by Hopeless, up the long steps. Undulating trail, on to Kwun Yam Buddhist Temple and the predicted (929) steps! Check Back just short of Sha Tin Pass Road.

Thereafter a charge home for the last 2km led by Comes Up The Rear, Hopeless and Lost In Translation to the 52nd floor panoramic view of Hong Kong and superb food on the balcony.

Many thanks to Inflato and Yummy Mummy for hosting LSWH3 and N2TH3! – Hopeless

Down downs by Hopeless

The hares – Inflato & Yummy Mummy

R.A. – the T8H3 GM – Eunuch – so when’s the next run?!!!

Frank The Plank – “there are two runs?” –  NNT & LSW on arrows…. So no.

Late.. Parkys, @nal Invitation, Franz

N2TH3 starters – Liberace & Penile Dementia

Vibrator brings his “Japanese teacher” to the run – actually the woman he rescued from Motormouth’s interrogation in the QV after the LH4 run last night.

No torch – Wai Chee Kok

Hare – 600m Check Back

Golden Balls – non-runner, and Eunuch

Liberace’s down downs: (GM N2TH3)

Hopeless – “stealing all my down downs”

Eunuch & Golden Balls – too lazy to run

Inflato – hare – thanks!

Yummy Mummy – great food!

Chinglish  lesson by Liberace “Happy New Year”

Back to Hopeless

Returnees – Smallbone & ADWD

929 steps to the Check Back – the hare

USA hat but can’t wear it anymore as he is now a China national – Smallbone

Run 1727, 23 December 2015, Tai Po


A simple run for the Christmas-depleted pack, although Vibrator returned and Soul Man made his N2THG3 debut. Having come straight from the office Christmas party (Catalunya, incredible food by El Bulli alumni with free-flow champagne and wine) I was late for the start and not in any state to run anyway, although I tried. Setting off with fellow latecomer P. Dementia, with hare Liberace’s words echoing in my ears, I looked for the recommended short cut (up the hill to my old place, cut through the tunnel and pick up the trail home). I quickly parted company with my pard, who insisted on doing the full run. Then followed a fruitless half hour as I tried to find Liberace’s old gaff before cutting my losses and heading back to the finish at the sitting out area south of the Belly, where the pack had already assembled. There may have been some sort of Christmassy drink. There was a circle, during which I gleaned that the pack had climbed a hill with some shiggy, which was hairy (hare-y?) in places.

Gets coat. Goes.