The Impossible Virgin
[Run report prepared by the hare as penance for failing to attend and report on Run 1730 held the previous week and because no other bugger offered to report on his run]
Hashers probably groaned in the belief that every conceivable run had already been done on numerous occasions from the Sek Kong catchwater. Pre-run the hare had been hounded (through WhatsApp) by Catch Of The Day as to the length and nature of the run: “I hope it’s not too short and wimpy. I like it rough, long and hard.” The hare assured that the run, set with invaluable assistance of SP Wandering Wanker, was partially on virgin trail and he anticipated it would take over the hour.
Not to be deterred by the somewhat cold and damp conditions a fairly sizeable pack (about 20?) duly turned up at the start although notable absentees were Stingray (reportedly hard at it, knitting a scarf for his auntie) and Plod (disappeared without trace some months ago but considered unlikely to be a guest on the mainland following recent publication of his expose The Accidental Prawn. Enquiries are continuing at the highest level).
Given that it was his birthday, Walkie Talkie enticed hubby Fartypants to the catchwater with the siren call “Baby Let Me Light Your Fire”. Expecting a bit of a romp Farty was somewhat put out when Walkie Talkie produced firelighters and a box of matches and lit a bonfire. But Farty’s disappointment was turned into a triumph as the hashers were greeted by the cheery blaze. After champagne (generously provided by Fartypants and Walkie Talkie) and a heart-breaking rendition of “Happy Birthday” the pack was called to order by Liberace and briefed by the hare who gave a masterful demonstration of how to give a clear and precise briefing “a partially virgin trail, shiggy, stream crossings marked with chalk, flour and buffalo dung. Wimps and rambos runs and the latter should take just over the hour”.
The pack set off at about 7:45 and what happened thereon is unknown to your scribe as he sat at the bonfire enjoying the odd beer or three. However, impressively after just over 45 minutes Crash Test Dummy ran in from the rambo trail and confirmed that despite rain earlier in the day that the markings were still intact. He was followed a few minutes later by Mango Groove, Catch Of The Day and a number of others. G Spot also ran in from the rambos’ direction but under questioning shamefacedly admitted he’d run the wimps and then looped back on to the last few hundred metres of the rambos. The first genuine wimp back was that stalwart Golden Balls who then berated the Hare because he hadn’t marked the incoming trail on the wimps (despite the hare having explained the lack of marking at the briefing and that the incoming trail was already well known to the hashers) and that he was fearful Serbian Bomber amongst others may well get lost. Under the influence of drink the hare then set off to mark the last part of the incoming trail but failed to take a torch and was soon stumbling about in the pitch darkness. Fortunately, he was rescued by the last hasher in, none other than Serbian Bomber!
GB then confirmed that the trail up was indeed hash virgin territory because serial short cutter One Eyed Jack and omnipotent know-it-all Dingaling had said so during the run!
Liberace and Penile Dementia held an entertaining circle (so entertaining I cannot remember anything about it!) and then threw open the circle to the pack. I recall several hashers “dished the dirt” on others but again the precise details escape me (I am, after all, the oldest hasher and senility cannot be too far off).
The circle broke up about 10:15 but eight or so of the hashers went on to a local curry restaurant for an excellent meal paid for by Fartypants (Is there no end to his generosity or has he finally flipped?).
The consensus appeared to be that all-in-all it was a good run, circle and on-on (“thank heavens it didn’t rain during or after the run” and “thanks to my SP, Fartypants and Walkie Talkie for your invaluable contributions to the night” : the Hare).. – Dram