Report No. 1
“I hate this run very much…don’t do such stupid thing again”
(Liberace, run 1766, 14 September 2016)
Well the run this week was our AGM. Must say Liberace has been an outstanding GM this year, leading the circle with his unique sense of humour, not forgetting his exploits as hare for five runs this year as well as his 53 runs attended. Anyway, he was pre-advised by several members of the N2TH3 to set a very short run, a very simple run and a very forgettable run as it was our AGM and nobody wants to be out on trail forever. Liberace took this advice on board and then did his usual stuff, hence the title of the report, the now infamous quote made by our GM upon finishing Catch Of The Day’s Run in Tsuen Wan back in September.
Starting at Stingray and M&M’s pad in Ha Hang Village off Ting Kok Road, the pack set off promptly at 7.40 pm after Liberace had given us a set of instructions. Thinking that this was just going to be an easy 20-minute run, the pack sped off and across Ting Kok Road into the industrial estate. Dingaling figured that it should just be a little jog along the waterfront park and back and most of us agreed that indeed we were not even going to get a sweat on. As we ran along and onto the first check most of us went straight as Dram and Velcro had called trail, but our plans of a waterfront park jog were blown to pieces when we came upon a check back, eventually finding trail heading left and around a fenced off area. At this point, Mango became a little worried that we might get arrested as technically we were trespassing; however One Eyed Jack soon put his worries to bed by telling him to stop being a twat and there is no possible way anything could go wrong at this point. Well One Eyed Jack your Nostradamus-like prediction was soon to be shot to pieces….
So off we all went, Eunuch in front and the rest of us grouped nicely together behind. A straight long road led right up to a locked gate. This was the first of two gates and proved easy to negotiate as we simply had to climb over it. A short run followed onto a second locked gate that was over eight foot in height with barbed wire on the top. “There is no bloody way we are getting over that!” the pack shouted. Over it no, but under maybe. Sighting a small gap at the bottom of the gate Eunuch made it look very easy as he went under, running off in the distance without giving a toss for his fellow brethren. The rest of us just looked at this now very slim Eunuch happily trotting away leading a few to remark “wish I could be like him, the skinny twat.” Mango then decided that he must have lost the 20 pounds excess gained from his mother’s West Indian cooking and had a go at going under the gate as well. Poor thing he tried going under head first, only to scream “My bum is stuck, can someone call the fire services!” Dingaling took control and after dragging Mango out advised that he should put his legs in and then go through. This approach worked and soon Velcro, Penile Dementia, Dram and Plod followed suit, but a few chubbers, including One Eyed Jack (a.k.a Nostradamus) and Serbian Bomber, had to take a very long detour around before returning back onto Ting Kok Road again.
As we ran along the jogging path, another check led us over the road onto the rambo / wimps split. The rambo trail was a short shiggy trail up, around and back to the wall above Ting Kok Road. Eunuch and Dingaling tried to turn their lights off in the hope of jumping out of the bushes and scaring the next hasher to come along…but nobody else followed, making them both look like a right pair of tits. The rambo and wimp trails joined up near some graves and continued going straight. Dram, Plod and One Eyed Jack quickly found trail off a check back before heading left into another village. It was here that we came across a very sweet looking wild boar that Plod tried to befriend. After trying to communicate with the poor little thing Serbian Bomber and Penile Dementia soon found trail leading deep into the village and around and back onto Tin Kok Road, again. At this point the pack had got pretty strung out as we had almost another three-kilometre run home. Back on Stingray’s roof, Golden Balls had now arrived making some ridiculous excuse for being late.
In the time we had been out on the run, the corner of Stingray’s roof had been turned into some type of polling station, similar to that seen in a dodgy African country where the outcome of the election is known before the vote itself. It was impressive, there were a couple of large pieces of paper with pending committee positions waiting to be filled in and a voting box, complete with pens and pieces of paper. Mango was infuriated by this horrible sight in front of him so he grabbed a marker pen and wrote “Bog Brush” over everything. Stingray was having none of this, told Mango off, grabbed the pen and then wrote “Trump” over Liberace’s carefully prepared chart. Poor Libs, undeterred by this bad behaviour, grabbed a clean white piece of paper and re-did everything, making sure his spelling was correct following Velcro Lips’ guidance. A quick circle then followed, and then time for the main event. Various positions were appointed before anointing of the new GM. Following the guidelines set forth by the Hong Kong SAR, Liberace decided that he would allow the assembled hash to vote from three pre-selected candidates, namely Serbian Bomber, One Eyed Jack and Dingaling.
One by one each member was called upon “one man-one vote” Liberace called as we voted. Now that was all well and good, but answer this riddle …if there are fourteen attendees, then how come after counting there were seventeen votes? Well actually this weeks scribe knows the answer, Plod voted three times for One Eyed Jack and someone else also voted twice for One Eyed Jack. Looks like One Eyed Jack had been slipping a few members a ten dollar note…anything for power. As the votes were counted live, it soon became apparent that it was going to be very close between Serbian Bomber and One Eyed Jack, with Serbian Bomber holding on to be the first ever democratically elected GM of the N2TH3. Poor Dingaling received no votes, not a sausage, even his wife Overdue didn’t vote for him. Don’t feel too bad Dingaling, if you are a fan of the Eurovision Song Contest, you will see the United Kingdom always gets no votes as well.
Food followed with a delicious spread of chilli, Thai curry, rice and bananas that was kindly prepared by M&M. It wasn’t long before the food and beer were consumed and it was time for bed. As we all left, we kindly shook hands with M&M and gave Stingray a quick peck on his left cheek. Finally, it must be said that this was another eventful run, a very memorable AGM planned and executed to imperfection by Liberace, and for those of you not coming along, seriously you are missing out on so much.
– Mango Groove
Report No. 2
No Country for Fat Men
For his final run as GM, Liberace was also the hare.
You assume, as soon as you read that Liberace was setting trail, that there was some cock-up along the way. And you would be correct. There was a size requirement for the run. But we only discovered this part-way through.
Things started as normal. We assembled on the roof of Stingray’s gaff, one by one slipping in unnoticed by the locals. The jokes were flying back and forth. But, beneath the humour, our inner voices questioned, “Would we all make it back? With Liberace as the hare, would there be some suicidal run alongside the highway, or a crawl through a tunnel of thorns, a mad trail down a cliff-face?” And the most worrisome thought, “What was the risk of being the next GM?”
Liberace’s briefing seemed pretty standard. The usual markings. The usual banter. And so we sortied out, into the quiet of the night.
At first, trail was easy, down into Tai Po industrial estate but then after a false trail south towards the waterfront, trail turned east and arrived at a locked gate. We ducked through a hole in the fence right next to the gate. So far, so good. Looking back along the trail, I was reassured to see the hare following.
We reached another eight-foot locked gate, with trail on the far side. A few hashers scrambled over, but others hesitated until somebody found a concrete drainage channel that cut under the fence.
Then we reached a third locked gate, leading out (if it was open) onto a road. Eight foot high, with barbed wire along the top. No hole in the fence and more barbed wire along the top. A drainage channel that was only 6 inches wide. With some struggle most of the hash was able to wriggle through a small gap beneath the gate. Even Velcro Lips managed to squeeze her boobs under it (I watched closely in case she needed assistance). Finally, there was me, One-Eyed Jack and the buffoon of a hare remaining. One-Eyed Jack went first and squeezed his belly through, but then his ribcage got hooked up on the lower bar of the gate. He could not pass this way. I didn’t even try. If OEJ could not do it, there was no way my big-boned body would fit. Fortunately GoldenBalls was not running.
We seized Liberace, and after applying some “enhanced” interrogation techniques, he broke. The gates were open when he set the trail, but he had wondered if they would be locked later. If we ran back the way we had come (almost all the way back to the start) then we could find our way back to the trail… run back to the junction to Sam Mun Tsai… Keep going along the cycle path towards Tai Mei Tuk… Run past the check that would lead along the village, keep going towards Tai Mei Tuk… Run over the T and keep going towards Tai Mei Tuk to join the run back.
So off I went, OEJ trailing behind, to rejoin the runners.
As I went, I encountered the “gallant” D-Ram escorting Velcro back the start. I think he was trying to persuade her that they needed to go back underneath the gate, but she insisted they go back the quick way, straight along the road.
They told me that I was on the wrong side of the road – and so I crossed over and found the arrows. Then I was surprised as Ginger Moon came speeding up from behind. He accompanied me, past the check into the village and onto the markings for the return trail. He then helped me to scout on beyond this, to meet up with the hashers and rescue them from any angry villagers (no wonder Velcro Lips turned back instead of entering the village).
Following the trail backwards, we reached the public toilets and ducked inside to take a quick whizz. Ginger emerged just as the first hashers ran by, while I hid inside until the coast was clear.
Quickly I caught up with the front of the pack and ran with Mango down the road. But instead of crossing the road to the safety of the path, Mango insisted on running on the wrong side of the dual carriageway, directly facing the oncoming traffic. When a traffic light brought traffic to a temporary halt I sprinted to the next possible crossing point and got out of the way. I had no idea Mango was cousin to the lemming.
When we got back to Stingray’s des-res I discovered that Liberace’s gateway fiasco had added an extra 2km to my run – 7km compared to the Rambos’ 5km.
I can’t remember much from Liberace’s final circle due to the shock and trauma of the subsequent voting for GM. I remember Golden Balls being down-downed for not being able to find the start (despite a map and clear markings). Mango and Dingaling for taking to the bushes on the rambo trail to lurk in ambush, but being disappointed when nobody passed by. Mango appointing Bogbrush to every committee position, which seemed fairly sensible to me. But then this was voided, and Liberace started over.
Despite my pleas for mercy, I was included in the list of candidates as number 1 along with One-Eyed Jack (2) and Dingaling (3). Somehow 12 people cast 15 votes – 8 for me, 6 for OEJ, 0 for Stingray and 1 for number 4.
So it seems I am now your GM. I will try not to let my plans for world domination interfere with the schedule of the runs. Hahahahaha. Today the hash, tomorrow the world…
Lesser committee members: Eunuch as GM2, Luk Dim Boon as RA, Stingray as RA2, Mango Groove as hare raiser (I’ve looked in the mirror but I can’t see any more hare on my head so I think he needs to try harder), Velcro as hash cash and hash trash, Liberace as hash beer and Golden Balls as hash webbie.
OnOn
– Serbian Spammer Bomber Baron Diver von Mooseheime
Northern New Territories Hash 