The Curious Case of the Hare and the Missing Trail

Inspired by the chaos of recent months, where Catch of the Day set a run but forgot to brief us about her nonstandard markings (two pink ribbons tied to a railing as a check), and Liberace set a run though locked gates and barbed wire entanglements, hare Luk Dim Boon made a spirited attempt to revive now infamous accolade:

“I hate this run very much…don’t do such stupid thing again”

He may very well have succeeded in reaching a new low, setting the run with the worst markings ever.

We had been pre-warned that the hare would be still out, setting trail, at 7:30. And, so it was. But the hare’s sending his domestic helper to give the briefing and guard the bags and perform a strip show was something new. Since I was recovering from recent (successful) surgery to remove a spare todger I would be a non-runner, able to guard the bags myself, and so we sent Juliet home.

At 7:30, I ran the pack through the hare’s briefing again (except for Vecro Lips who insisted she had been listening but could only repeat someone else’s comment, not the actual briefing). At 7:32 off the pack went. As they left, Catch of the Day was the first to call “Trail!”; possibly the only time she saw trail all night.

Latecomers, arriving in dribs and drabs over the next 10 minutes, included Cue, QT, One Eyed Jack, Salesman, Liberace (who got lost in his van looking for 11^th street despite the hare’s clear instructions on how to find the start at 20^th Street). Last to arrive for the run was Golden Balls, who failed to recognize the inherent irony in his approval of the pack’s setting off on time.

Being St Andrew’s day, Luk Dim Boon went with a Scottish theme for the evening, and provided no chalk to mark checks. He also tried to use as little chalk as possible for his trail markings. On the rare occasions when he did bother to mark the trail, the markings were so faint as to be missed by many of the runners.

Consequently, One Eyed Jack, Salesman and Catch Of The Day all returned to the start within 30 minutes, having failed to solve the first check. Bravely they all set off again, shortcutting towards the main gate.

Next to appear was the hare, Luk Dim Boon, checking to how the start went, before disappearing back onto his trail to wash away some more markings (he claims he was resetting it, having laid parts of it three days earlier). On his way out, he was observed picking up Catch Of The Day, and witnesses claim to have seen them enjoying sex in the back of his jag, before he dropped her further along the trail. They must have been going at it for some time, because COTD was the very last of the runners to return, nearly two and a half hours after the start.

Wimp trail was a jaunt around the villagesnorth of Hong Lok Yuen, while rambos went up a virgin shiggy trail to the top of Wo Hop Shek cemetery. Those that actually got to this part of the run said it was an excellent shiggy trail well marked. Trail then (apparently) went to Tai To Yan then down the gurkha road to Lam Tsuen.

First to return home, giving up on the run, was Cue, utterly failing to find his way out of the Hong Lok Yuen estate despite actually living there. Next back was Gunpowder Plod, claiming to have completed the wimps trail, although it was subsequently revealed that the hare had caught him returning from another direction completely. Following close behind were shortcutters D Ram, Geriatric, and Velcro.

While we waited for the rambos to drag their tardy arses back home, QT was generously offering sweets to one and all (hash beer Plod having forgotten to buy any crisps). Only after we had eaten QT’s sweets did someone have the sense to ask if they were his, at which point he revealed he had found them on the ground. D Ram was keen to point out that he was “no longer the oldest hasher” claiming that this mantle now belonged to geriatric. On further questioning, this was called into doubt. Who is older, D Ram or Geriatric? And Plod confessed that he is only nice to his wife when he is high on morphine.

Mango was the first of the rambos to return (but only if you count returning in a taxi as completing the run). Stingray received acclamation for being the first real rambo to return, but it seems that he too took a wrong turn somewhere with Golden Balls and they did a long-cut down to the bottom of Wo Hop Shek instead of following real trail. Gaele Says No was the next back, again, by a different route.

Around this time, the entertainment arrived. Luk Dim Boon had kindly organized a troupe of local dancers to perform their well-choreographed routine to Mandarin pop songs, prancing and twirling next to us, while we waited for more rambos to return. This greatly disturbed D Ram who until then had been chatting up some of the helpers walking dogs in the vicinity.

Finally, a little over two hours after the start, when Eunuch finally dragged himself back from the run, I decided that enough was enough and called the circle to order, although Salesman, Liberace and COTD were still out there. But this first attempt to start the circle was interrupted by Velcro, crying out that she had not yet collected hash cash.

A few minutes later, the circle did get going despite some hashers (special snowflakes) worries that the missing three would be upset (triggered) by our starting without them. Nonsense. It’s happened to me enough times. We are not going to turn the circle into a “safe space”.

The hare was awarded multiple down downs for setting such a crappy run and for generally being a complete fuckwit. As the hare drank from a “yard” provided by Plod (to be precise, the hare called it a yard; the rest of us called it a foot-long) we began to understand just why the hare’s distance-based instruction that “If you run 80 metres and you don’t find trail, then you’re off trail” may have been one of the most meaningless instructions ever.

The hare was also awarded a down down for the fact that every single runner of the larger than usual pack had their own version of the trail they had followed. No two runners had managed to follow the same route. Not on the wimps, and not on the rambos. It is quite possible that not one runner actually managed to find and follow the true trail for the whole run. From this, I have deduced that the hare did not set a complete run, and, in fact, he only set half a trail and decided to bluff his way through by telling the pack that they just failed to follow his run instructions. You can call me Sherlock.

Halfway through the circle, Salesman then Liberace and finally Catch of the Day returned. Liberace couldn’t join the circle at first, due to a highly localised incident of volcanism. This was in stark contrast to COTD who did join the circle immediately, deliriously happy but tremble-kneed and barely able to stand unsupported, after her in-run “lift” from the hare.

Other down downs awarded during the circle included:

• D Ram for talking non-stop like an old washer woman while (not) following trail;
• Golden Balls for spying on the hare;
• Golden Balls for taking advantage of D Ram’s obtaining trail tips from locals and for not correcting the wrongly marked check when he changed direction because of these tips (D Ram would have shared this down down except he had disappeared, probably to help “walk a dog”);
• Plod (hash beer) for providing a magic beer can (sealed but only half-full and foul when opened);
• D Ram for writing yet more letters of complaint to the SCMP;
• Plod for new shoes;
• Luk Dim Boon for smoking a fat Cuban cigar, Golden Balls for looking like Castro, and Mango for looking like Che Guevara;
• Luk Dim Boon for finally getting it up (does this mean he needs to be renamed?);
• Gaele Says No for excessive athleticism;
• Golden Balls for dressing up like a pirate;
• Myself (Serbian Spammer Bomber Baron Diver von Mooseheime) for only having one todger, the second having been surgically removed;
• Catch Of The Day for attempted assassination of the GM (attempted drowning by making me laugh while I was drinking a down down from Plod’s “yard”); and
• Many, many, many other down downs too.

Switching hats from hare to RA, Luk Dim Boon also awarded many, many down downs. The first of these turned out to be a mistake when LDB called out Geriatric as a visitor only to discover that this was his second consecutive week in attendance and, furthermore, Geriatric was wearing N2TH3 gear. Beer and medication mixed together means that I have no recollection of the RA’s other down downs. I do remember circle going on for quite a long time (over one and a half hours) with the 18-strong circle from time to time devolving into a lot of private circles (usually involving either Velcro or Mango).

Finally the GM and RA were awarded down downs for holding an excessively long circle.

The hare has threatened to set another run in the near future. I despair. Somebody please educate him on how to follow trail rather than just following the other runners, then we can hope he might actually use some chalk, flour and paper when setting trail. – Serbian Bomber