Chewing the Cud at the Cow Pat

A brief discussion of the nature of time and space pertaining to run number 1778

We gathered together at Fanling Cow Pat to find that hare Eunuch was still somewhere out there, setting trail. Much perturbed, we worried about who would guard the beer, but fortunately Lok Sup Gow was able to step up for this arduous task.

D-Ram appears to be plotting very early to be next year’s GM. He turned up carrying a very girly handbag to tote all of his paraphernalia on the run; mobile phone, taxi money, lipstick. Velcro offered to run with him so that he could pretend he was being gentlemanly by carrying her bag on the run.

At 7:30, as we were about to call a start to the run, we suddenly realized that returnee Alen (an exchange student from Borduria or Syldavia or thereabouts) had brought along two virgins, Hendrik and Regina. And so, we actually needed to give a real briefing with real instructions. Both virgins sounded very excited to take the challenge of running the rambo’s trail, despite dire warning of shaggy and thorns.

And so, off we went.

D Ram, Cue and Geriatric rapidly set off for the rear, where they could keep an eye on Regina’s ass. You should have heard the complaints and fuss they raised when she ran off into the distance.

Liberace had a different plan. Having guessed that our visitors were keen runners, his strategy was to stay close, by being the FRB. It was noticeable he stayed extremely close all the way through the circle too.

I took advantage of having visitors to explain the origins of my name to fresh, unsuspecting victims. For those regular hashers who might have forgotten, let me remind you that my name, Serbian Spammer Bomber Baron Diver von Mooseheime came about by… [ED: By manipulating the parameters of time and space, we are able to skip about 30 minutes, almost to the very end of Serbian’s explanation.] … carpet action.

Trail led from the Cowpat, across the railway line and to the hills. Yes, you read that correctly. Trail. In a stunning break with recent tradition, our hare used actual chalk, flour and toilet paper to mark an easy to find trail. So much trail that even Liberace failed to lose the way, although he did manage to find all the checkbacks.

Trail crossed the railway, the highway and went into Fanling north of Wo Hop Shek. Suddenly, about 2km into the run, I staggered to a halt, as I realized that I had forgotten to turn on my GPS. By the time I had fixed this and secured my phone back into its pouch, the rest of the rambos were out of sight. Deciding not to wait for the laggardly wimps, I pressed ahead and soon caught up with Golden Balls and QT as we entered the mazy paths in the foothills of the cemetery. A thunderclap of a fart from GB spurred QT and me to speed up, in search of cleaner air. Dead birds, insects, spiders and lizards fell from the trees. My back was aching from the effort as we climbed (this run was my first exercise since surgery) but in utter desperation and terror I struggled to go faster and stay far enough ahead of the noxious emanations. At last, as I crested the hill and followed trail through forest I caught up with the back of the pack.

It was the old gurkha trail that we last did several years ago – thick vegetative shiggy leading to open forest. The hare Eunuch had obviously dropped his toilet roll on the trail, only to have it seized by a pack of wild dogs that playfully unrolled it all the way down the hill, tearing off lengths as they wrestled for control to see which dog would win and carry the prize, all the while chased by Eunuch. I have no other suggestion to explain the over-enthusiastic abundance of paper festooning every tree on the way down.

Despite heaviness of the trail markings, Mango managed to fool Catch Of The Day, claiming that there was a checkback. There is some confusion here too, as COTD claims that this happened while she was watching Mango’s ass while Mango claims that he was watching COTD’s ass. To explain this phenomenon, how they could each be following the other down the hill, it is necessary to step into a brief discourse of the nature of time and space and dimensions and consider that they may in fact have been running in parallel universes. There are various metaphysical constructs that could also be used to explain… [ED: Once again, by manipulating the parameters of time and space, we are able to move forward, this time by about 2 hours, to the end of Serbian’s explanation.] … leading to “shenanigans” on the trail. On completion, Mango caddishly abandoned COTD and fled into the night.

As the trail emerged from the forest, at the point where Eunuch gave up hope of recovering his lost toilet paper, reverting to marking trail in chalk and flour, short-cutter QT was observed failing to follow trail along the make-shift pedestrian ramp, instead running parallel, along the roadworks. Our visitors were being goody-two shoes and conscientiously kept to the trail at this point. Quickly we crossed over the railway and followed the trail home.

Some runners were triggered by Eunuch’s micro-aggression where he had scrawled “On home you crazy mothers” across the path. D Ram and Geriatric were so incensed that they stopped to take photos of themselves reading this offensive message. I have no doubt we will soon be reading yet another irate letter to the South China Morning Post.

Once home, COTD put mulled wine on a gas burner while we waited for the final runners to get home.

Disappointingly, nobody got lost; nobody was out there hours after the pack finished; and the wimps and rambos finished about the same time. Our hare needs to learn to introduce more chaos and confusion.

This week Hash Cash Velcro lips remembered to collect cash before the circle started. Circle started promptly. Down-downs included:

• Hare Eunuch for excessive trail markings;
• Hare Eunuch for triggering the runners with his sexist markings;
• D Ram and Geriatric for being triggered;
• Luk Sup Gow and Alen as returnees;
• Hendrik and Regina for being virgins and Alen for bringing them. At first, Hendrik was reluctant to step up and admit to being a virgin, but with COTD’s offer to assist him in his journey to manhood, he thrust himself forward. The customary questions ensued (although our RA appeared too embarrassed to ask them for the intimate details of their sex lives. Fortunately GB stepped in to cover this) and we discovered that Hendrik was an engineering student and planned to be unemployed and Regina was studying human biology as she planned to become a vet. Hendrik claimed to have last had sex mumble and Regina carefully counted back before announcing that she last had sex in July. Next week’s Christmas Pub Run will be the last chance to rut, sorry, run, with Alan, Hendrik and Regina (if they turn up) before they return to their home countries;
• Racialist abuse of Sheik Mango for wearing his rag-head gear in circle;
• Sheik Mango for actually wearing his rag-head gear as a makeshift bandage after banging his head and seeing stars on trail;
• Mango following an official criminal complaint from COTD for his tricking her with his fraudulent call of checkback, and Mango and COTD for attempting to confuse the circle as to exactly who was gazing longingly at whose ass before they disappeared off-trail into the bushes;
• D Ram and Velcro for planning pre-crime, cooking up ways to cheat (worse yet – cheat on the wimps run) before we even set off ;
• D Ram, Plod and QT for bringing comfy stools to sit on in circle;
• D Ram, Cue and Geriatric for gossiping like old washer women (again);
• Regina for using her knowledge of human biology to confirm that the photo of the item surgically removed from Serbian’s back was in fact a knob;
• Serbian for excessive running, running up hill, calling trail and generally helping other hashers on the trail. Our hash religious advisor, St. Ingray, blames Liberace for this sudden decline in Serbian’s character, behaviour and performance;
• QT for not being able to tell the difference between Stingray and God, getting the two confused not once, not twice, but three times whilst on the run;
• Velcro for her diligence in collecting hash cash from Alen. He had tried to claim exemption from hash cash on the grounds of being a girl but, carrying out a quick pat-down search, Velcro discovered that he was playing hide the sausage;
• GB for taking Golden Jelly to a “Love is a Many Splendored Thing” couple’s 2-hour spa and claiming that he did it under duress as it was his duty in his line of work; and
• GB (called out by One Eyed Jack) for excessive seasonal snow on the website.

As the circle drew to an end up strode Julian, who passed by at around the same time at our last Cow Pat run a few weeks ago. It only took a couple of beers for him to offer to host a run from his rooftop barbecue just around the corner. Yes, we’ll be taking you up on that! Finally the circle closed with announcements about:

• Saturday’s tram party (and on after at Taboo). For those people that prefer to enjoy a cold shower rather than spending time eating, drinking, dancing and fornicating, Plod has arranged an alternative with a Sai Kung Hash Run;
• Next week’s pub run meeting at 6:45 in the King’s Belly in Tai Po. After a quick discussion on the current state of hash cash, and the likely sudden appearance of many people we only see once a year, the committee has decided that this year’s pub run will start with a $200 contribution to the night’s kitty with a further contribution if we exhaust that; and lastly
• Eunuch’s calling out the GM as gay. Eunuch was pleasantly surprised with the GM’s response to this, as he chased him down for a quick snog.

As a final remark, COTD has now taught us that the Japanese word for vagina is “o-chinko”. Use this knowledge wisely. – Serbian Bomber

Attended by Cue, D Ram, Geriatric, Velcro Lips, QT, Golden Balls, Serbian Bomber, Catch Of The Day, Liberace, Mango Groove, Stingray, One Eyed Jack, Gunpowder Plod, Alen, Hendrik, Regina, Eunuch, Luk Sup Gow, Julian