T-Men

It was an auspicious start to this weeks’ run; a decent turn-out, in the right place and in good time. The season had recently turned the corner and there was a gentle cooling breeze ruffling the leaves beneath the sulphur glow of the streetlamps. All stood assembled, in eager anticipation of what might just turn out to be the best run of the year!

Then Liberace arrived.

The pack set off at leisurely pace, with committed FRBs Eunuch and Liberace up ahead, with Golden Balls and Velcro Lips ambling along at the rear. Hare Geriatric was taking a conservative route, all well lit and hard paved. Serial shiggy shirker Stingray was in high spirits. His happiness was relatively short lived, however, when the trail went decidedly off-piste; first with a steep stepped path leading to a checkback, followed soon afterwards by a stream bed and some stone hopping. The oft quoted phrase “he’s a Wanchai hasher, he’ll never set a run with any shiggy” was starting to sound somewhat inaccurate. Fortunately, a love of the urban returned and Geriatric had us all back on well-lit firm ground. Despite adequate lighting and very few obstacles, Liberace, still acting as FRB, claimed to have seen a “T” at the summit of a long flight of steps. The pack turned about and headed back down the steps, with Creme Brulee the only one looking comfortable in full retreat. Searching as far back as under the Ma On Shan bypass for any sign of the trail , someone remembered who had called the T. With an accuracy of information record close to that of Hong Kong Observatory, it was noted that Liberace’s calls were often dubious, so back we all went up the steps again only to discover that there was a check, and no sign of a “T” anywhere. Trail was soon called further on up the path, and so the run continued.

A little further along, there came the rambo/wimp split. The wimps continued on the made path, while the rambos hopped up onto a small retaining wall and followed the steeply stepped incline of a Drainage Services Department registered slope structure, and on into the hills. Somewhat unusually for Hong Kong, the forested hill consisted initially of pines and made a nice change from the usual close thickety shiggy we are all more used to. That didn’t stop the gripes though, and Stingray’s nasal bleating (“Bollocks to farting around in the shiggy”) could be heard wafting through the trees and scattering any wildlife lucky enough to escape from the depredations of the local population.

Talking of which, on the wimp trail, taken by One Eyed Jack and Golden Balls (with some OEJ-worthy short-cutting by Velcro and Dingaling), no sooner had OEJ observed that you quite often see boar in this forest, than a kerfuffle on the trail ahead revealed not one but two not boars but porcupines, one of which ran along the trail ahead for a good 30m, quills rattling, before disappearing into the trees.

Back on the rambos, it is a rare fact that Liberace keeps his sense of direction, never great to begin with, in his little finger. Seemingly not content with causing the earlier T clusterfuck, he continued to charge about in the woods like a demented spaniel, rushing in the opposite direction every few minutes claiming that he’d lost trail and must have taken a wrong turn. This feat of inept navigation was achieved despite being on a single track path with clearly no other routes to take.

After descending from the foothills of Ma On Shan, navigating yet another boulder strewn stream bed, the trail began to rejoin civilisation once more, and so it was a brief jaunt through Lee On estate and out onto the Wu Kai Sha coastline, before heading back to the start. Geriatric’s coastal trail was a masterpiece of deception, with checkbacks everywhere and not a litlle wading as the tide had come in since he set it. It ended up at about 10km for the rambos and 7 for the wimps.

Before the circle could get started, Dingaling suddenly had to leave claiming “work commitments”. This left the rest of the assembled skivers, vagrants, OAPs and Frenchmen to scratch their heads and ask what this “work commitment thing” was all about. With one down, GM Eunuch wisely decided to charge Liberace with the duty of standing in for anyone absent as a reward for totally cocking up the T that wasn’t. Several swift down-downs followed for the one and only professor of Chinglish.

During his time in the middle of the circle, Liberace had the gall to suggest that Mango Groove had been stood in front of the check, which was why he hadn’t seen it. This did nothing at all to explain where the mysterious “T” came from, that no one else found. However, some mysteries are enduring and best left that way, like the Marie Celeste, the Loch Ness Monster and where all the odd socks go.

Honourable mentions go to: Mango Groove, who does the best impression of Stingray anyone has ever heard (including Stingray, who looked surprised to hear his own voice despite having his mouth shut). Creme Brulee gets a mention for having the most flexible hash name ever, having been variously referred to as Creme de Menthe, Creme Diulay and Creme de la Creme, without letting it affect his stride. A heavily pregnant Din Dins made an appearance at the circle, although chose not to run on this occasion for undisclosed reasons. – 9 Ignorant Cox

Hare: Geriatric

Runners: Mango Groove, Velcro Lips, Eunuch, Stingray, Creme Brulee, Liberace, Goldenballs, Dingaling, 9 Ignorant Cox, One Eyed Jack 

 

Autumn Almanac

With contingents from the South Lantau and Sai Kung hashes joining us, this was far and away the best-attended Northern New Territories Saturday Run to date. Hare Dingaling with SP Twanx met us at the designated bus stop, Lung Chai on Tai O Road, whereupon Dingaling proceeded to give instructions that were evidently not absorbed by many in the pack. Simple walkers’ trail of 4km, then a rambo/wimp split in which the wimp is 9km and slightly longer than the rambo on account of it avoiding the technical section, which is a bit exposed and not suitable for anyone with vertigo issues, Golden Balls.

So off west we set along the catchwater, which had checks drawn at every way up into the Keung Shan massif to the south, all of which were decoys and fooled nobody except Serbian Bomber. The hardtop was interminable, but we kept faith, knowing our Dingaling to be a quality hare.

Oranguwank: After the 3km cementfest shunt along the catchwater to the one and only checkback on trail. the pack did the long tab up the footpath to the first split marked runners/walkers. This confused a lot of wimps as they took the walkers. Darn shame, as there was an apparently very good wimp trail to come.

In any case the actual rambo split took us into the shiggy and then a very long, very technical rocky downhill following the stream. Not for the faint hearted and the rope provided by the hare was actually a necessity.

We popped out at a glorious infinity pool where we stopped to admire the view and sunset. What a day.

An easy downhill path then had us popping out onto the North Lantau pathway and another few km of cement had us easing into the playground in western Tai O in around 1 hr 7 mins for the FRBs Oranguwank and Pole Dancer. Just in time for tea and medals.

Golden Balls: After the rambo/wimp split the wimp trail stayed in the glorious Keung Shan uplands on lovely trails through low scrub, undulating until eventually a dividing crest took us over the massif to the south side and staggering ocean views. More lovely trails led us to the steep descent on a stone staircase to the North Lantau pathway where the two trails rejoined, and on in to Tai O past numerous chalkings indicating the imminence of beer, where the hare and SP had taken great pleasure in defacing the other’s scrawls. Who did what to who is still a mystery.

Finally back to the children’s playground on the approach to Tai O, where there was beer aplenty  – and our bags, transferred by the hares from the start by some sort of automobile. Eunuch had his drone out hovering over the playground; erstwhile best mate Mango Groove chucked his water bottle at it, and in a beautifully described arc landed right on top of the machine, knocking it straight out of the sky. Eunuch went strangely quiet…but not for long.

Our venerable GM Serbian Bomber was on hand (come again?) to run the circle, which he did so with aplomb, assisted by Eunuch. An Aussie from South Lantau and Gunpowder Plod from Sai Kung contributed to the rather excellent entertainment.

Highlights included the visiting full moon hash from England doing what they do best,

and the legendary Pole Dancer scurrying up a slender tree, which somehow didn’t fall over.

Plod produced his half-yard of ale for the hare, who made a pig of himself, only for Anal Invitation to show him how it’s done.

Red Rump was on the scene with Red Strumpet, but in the role of non-runners as Red Rump had once again come off his bike and this time fractured his femur. It was their last hash appearance before returning to UK, and unforgiveably their departure song was overlooked. But they insist they’ll be back.

Then it was on to the on on at the restaurant one minutes’ walk away…all good.                  – Oranguwank & Golden Balls

Hares: Dingaling, Twanx

Runners: Eunuch, Back To The Future, Serbian Bomber, Golden Balls, Golden Jelly, Stunt Double, Hoover, Fartypants, Walky Talky, Penile Dementia, BJ, Mango Groove, Gunpowder Plod, Electrolux, Oranguwank, Yummy Mummy, Velcro Lips

Non-runners: Red Rump, Red Strumpet, Antiseptic, Overdue

Guests: Pam, Wai Chee Kok, Po, Southside Pushover, Pipi, Swing Low, Anal Invitation, Anal Acceptance, V. Morgan, Smartarse, Weeny Schnitzel, Kebab, Sarah, Eunice, Slog, Pole Dancer, Snelgar, Two Wee Flashes, Doctor Lapsap, Gary Glitter, Little Sai Wanker, Free Rider, Kannot Finnish, Tim Thane, Motormouth and no doubt several others

More pictures

Click on a picture to enlarge it. Pictures by Walky Talky.

Ping Ping Ping

So after a two-decade hiatus, hare 69K came out of N2TH3 retirement to set us all an old skool run. Despite clear maps being sent out by the hare raiser and posted on the web, around 50% of the pack decided to go to a completely different start point, with the excuse that that was where the last Yuen Long run started, thereby delaying the start. Eventually the stragglers relocated to the start, the Golden mobile was parked and beer disgorged by the frenzied 50% that had been waiting for 30 minutes.

Then it started. Golden Jelly announced that she had been unable to get ice on the way and Big Moany wasted no time in martyrdom and volunteered to forego the run, get some ice and monitor the beer temperature and flavour whilst the rest got on the way. For some unexplained reason Liberace decided to join BM as he shuffled off into the Yuen Long alleyways. Meanwhile the hare gave a quick briefing about markings – neat arrows, untidy arrows, checks, no check backs, blah, blah, blah……The imminent approach of other runners was mooted but sod it. It was 8 o’clock and they’d catch up.

Meanwhile… Ping…Ping…Ping…

Finally the pack headed off out southwards following arrows on the pavements. A few moments later Liberace appeared from the other way; no ice but some steam rose from beneath his collar as he muttered curses and returned to the start to collect his shit. The trail then swung east and we ducked and weaved our way through semi-familiar trails, clear markings and the occasional check. The FRBs moved at a decent pace until the tricky check. Penile Dementia was 50m behind as I checked right over the bridge and called trail. It went cold in a large parking area. After running round and round the village and temples and returning to retrace the known trail Crème Brulee and Stingray appeared. At the far end of the village Crème spotted an arrow and once again we were off at a healthy pace but no sign of PD. A few more checks and we were heading back again into the featureless tower blocks of downtown Yuen Long.

Ping…Ping…Ping….

Then pedestrians getting in the way, hindering the hash, how dare they? And that was it, I was no longer on trail in the front, winning the hash, but zigzagging streets to relocate trail. Eventually back to the footbridge and down to A once more following the front runners who were coming in at ground level.

Ping…Ping…Ping….

So we then found out that Liberace had done a Captain Oates, Eunuch had turned up late (by 40 minutes) and PD had disappeared on trail without trace. Fartypants and Big Moany were in a wine tasting circle, beers were cracked open and eventually Eunuch arrived spitting blood and demanding a steward’s enquiry about something nobody was the least bit interested in and Penile Dementia manifested himself. The majority pre-empted winter rules and got out of their sweaty shirts and into their favourite comfy tops before the circle commenced.

Ping…Ping…Ping….

A relatively short circle ensued followed by the group photo which mysteriously looked as if taken at midday and the pack had been rummaging in the clothing bank again. Fear not though, Luk Sup Gow commented on facebook regarding lack of uniform in the photo, and a short while later Hash Stash announced new black plastic shirts coming! (but hash funds going).

What was that Ping…Ping…Ping…??  Why, it was the GM’s GPS signal bouncing of fdrab concrete structures as he drove round in circles continuously being given directions three seconds after they may have been of any use and never getting any closer to the run start. Eventually our great leader threw in the towel and returned to Kam Tin (from where he could have got to the hash in 10 minutess for five bucks on the red top).             – G Spot

Hares: 69K, Sam Miguel

Runners: Golden Jelly, Penile Dementia, Walky Talky, Hard Up, Mango Groove, Catch Of The Day, One Eyed Jack, QT, Geriatric, Creme Brulee, Back To The Future, Stingray, Eunuch, G Spot

Non-runners: Big Moany, Fartypants, One Hung Lo, Liberace, Golden Balls

A Biscuit or a Cake?

This weeks run was billed as a QT special, but given that Mr QT had to practice withdrawal as he was busy “ripping out a bedroom”, the magical and mysterious Catch Of The Day supported by fellow Japanese Spaniard Juicy Sushi stepped in to set a run from the pagoda at Luk Keng.  What a great place to set a run, lots of trails, beautiful and scenic countryside and relatively easy to get to. Turning up at the start, this weeks scribe, accompanied by Geriatric, was met by the two hares as well as Stingray and a couple of visitors from the Sek Kong Hash, Miss To and Riva. Apparently Catch Of The Day got Geriatric rather stimulated as she misinformed those present that said visitors were in fact virgins. Now we do like virgins, especially if they are wearing clean underwear, but I digress. The start time, advertised as 7.30pm, is there for a reason, and given that it was a COTD run then it would have been pertinent to start on time, expecting a ball breaker of at least an hour and a half. That being said, Stingray, in his capacity as most senior committee member, decided to wait for Eunuch to arrive, even after the likes of Dingaling and Mango had told him that it doesn’t look like Eunuch is going to show up.  After waiting until 7.33pm Mango urged the hare to describe her markings, the most important of which was: if you see a T go back to the check even if it is a kilometre away.  All of the pack took notice of this advice, except Liberace, who showed up late and ran around like a headless chicken, not even making it out of the village (what’s new?).

So off we went, up Luk Keng Road and left into the village, passing the playground and some large but friendly dogs. Penile Dementia led the way calling trail, with Crème Brulee and Golden Balls closely behind. As we ran past the wonderful smelling lady of the night flowers, Dingaling kept going all the way along the path until we came upon a T.  Remembering the hare’s advice, we worked our way back, occasionally diverting off any partial trail, before finding paper leading up onto the Wilson Trail. Bugger, should have worked that one out, as the now slimline and fit looking duo of One Eyed Jack and Golden Jelly led us up the first section of the hill until we came upon another check. It didn’t take long to solve this check as Dingaling had worked out that we should be going upwards for a bit before turning leftwards. However, the next check had the FRBs totally stuffed as they foolishly headed up for a quite a distance before returning only to find trail off to the right. It was along this intense shiggy section that One Eyed Jack Lost his spectacles after bumping into a tree branch, but not to worry as he soon regained his sight only to have Golden Balls run over him. Nice trail followed up and around the hill contour, before a check, drawn on a grave, had a few of us fooled. Penile Denentia eventually worked out that we had to go up and over before descending onto the steam bed. As we came off the stream bed a short climb up and into more shiggy followed before another check that took us left and onto a few steps. A check back here fooled nobody but Golden Balls, who decided it was a check and spent the next 5 minutes wallowing in evil smelling mud as the rest of us ran down and onto the T that we had found at the start of the run. A short run to the pagoda, a pan handle type of run, with everyone back in just over an hour. As usual, we all had different versions of the trail, especially Liberace, but nobody cared cos the beer was nice and cold.

Having arrived back in relatively good condition, Mango, after his brief visit to the UK, quickly dived into his rucksack and pulled out a triple pack of Jaffa Cakes. Dram et al. debated whether a Jaffa cake is truly a cake or a biscuit. Of course, Mango, being something of an expert on all things Jaffa cake related, had the answer: “They are cakes because I found them in the biscuit section at Tesco.”  After happily consuming our Jaffa cakes it was time for the circle, led by stand-in GM Stingray. In his usually unrelenting style, Stingray gave out down downs for all manner of crimes, and then just as he was finishing up the circle descended into complete madness. It was a sight to behold as every man and his dog attempted to give out down downs, not a problem as the N2TH3 live for this sort of rebellious behavior. As the circle worked its way to a natural end and various announcements were made, it was time to go home. Must say this was a brilliant run set by COTD and Juicy Sushi. It is evenings like this that make the N2TH3 what it is.   – Mango Groove

Hares: Catch Of The Day, Juicy Sushi

Runners: Mango Groove, Dingaling, Penile Dementia, Golden Balls, Creme Brulee, Stingray, One Eyed Jack, Golden Jelly, Dram, Geriatric, Miss To, Riva, Liberace

Non-runner: T-Bird

Passing Water

Oranguwank’s joint run with Little Sai Wan started at the same place near Sha Tin Wai station as Liberace’s infamous “Piss in Bucket” run a few weeks ago, but this time there was no little punk poisoning the water. Eight NNTers showed up and maybe 15 from LSW to make a decent sized pack. The hare promised 7km for rambos and 2.5 for wimps. The question on our lips was: how similar will this one be to Liberace’s trail?

It started identically – round the back of the MTR and up the road past the housing estate. But instead of turning right up the steps to the village, trail went on up and left until we hit a barrier and a dark road heading up through forest. As I reached the rambo wimp split, a bit behind TV Tits and a bit in front of Gunpowder Plod, Ms Tits turned round to backtrack, having missed the split. Cue the copper in Plod: “Put that light out! Kill the light! Put that bloody light out!” Always the gracious gent.

​Plod: Five hashers, including Geriatric, Gunpowder Plod, Golden Jelly and TV Tits, assaulted the wimps’ course, which involved climbing two ladders and crossing a dam. Trail then led through a semi-shiggy path directly to a check back with no preceding on on. So, after checking all around and up and down a considerable distance, no trail could be found so they reluctantly retreated back down the ladders and on home​.

Rambo trail continued up the road and then left up a boulder trackway. I figured I was the last rambo and totally out of earshot from the others, but as I plodded on up I was grateful for the hare’s wet shoe warnings, “water” scrawled here and there at standpipes and streams. This boulder trackway went on for quite some distance, up, up, up. Towards the top Burning Lust passed me, no doubt having arrived late. Then I was surprised to emerge on a road. It was Sha Tin Pass.

Fifty metres ahead I thought I saw something with a torch disappear into the shiggy. “Are you?” I called out to Burning Lust, for who else could it be? I could see the torch through the trees, about waist height, but its bearer remained strangely silent until I got closer and realised it was the reflecting eye of a massive boar. We eyed each other cagily, then he shambled off into the forest as I slunk off up the road.

Tight Lips (LSW scribe): Memorable 360 degree  views at the top overlooking both Shantin and Kowloon. Meanwhile, Lost in Translation was muttering something about where was Hopeless when he was needed… as we circled the hilltop looking for the on on. This was followed by endless steps down, which split up the pack a bit (this was when I lost the pack) and finally onto a good contour trail. 

Trail then took the Wilson Trail down towards Sha Tin. I hadn’t seen a single check up to this point (although to be fair the hare had put in some check backs that I hadn’t visited), nor had there been any shiggy. But then an unexpected right turn off the Wilson led to a nice shiggy trail that went down to a forest road. Here, too, was a check, but I knew the way for I was on Liberace’s out trail – who, unsurprisingly, was first back – and had a simple run in to the finish.

Tight Lips: The steep bit at the end that we were warned about by the Hare never materialised. Perhaps that was meant to ward off the slower runners…  but it must have worked because everybody was back by the time I got to the bins. 

LSW were going for their customary on on at the Sha Kok daipaidongs, so Hopeless and Eunuch agreed to conduct a short circle with a handful of down downs each, but as sometimes happens it took on a life of its own and half an hour later we were still going strong. Good run, good circle.

Tight Lips: Thanks for tons of icy cold beers and crisps – set up by NNT side. After combined DD’s by Hopeless, Septic, Golden Balls and a few from the circle, the LSW contingent sauntered across the road to the food market –  although many of​ the NNT hashers remained drinking in the park!  – Golden Balls / Gunpowder Plod / Tight Lips

Hare: Oranguwank

Runners: Eunuch, Penile Dementia, Liberace, Gunpowder Plod, Geriatric, Golden Balls, Golden Jelly, QT, Gin & Vomit, Willy Wanka, Hopeless, Lost In Translation, Comes Up The Rear, Burning Lust, Rooted, TV Tits, Tight Lips, some others…