Who Wants to be a Bottom Feeder?
This weeks run was advertised as Mango’s 1000th run from Sheung Tsuen Playground, so everyone was expecting some special type of run; you know lots of shiggy, checkbacks, twists and turns, numerous rambo-wimp splits, hills, rivers and farm animals. Unfortunately, Mango had other ideas. You see setting a good run has never been a trait of Mango Groove, and as Big Bonehead has been saying for the past 23 years, “Mango you are the worst hare I have ever met.” Not that Mango really cares and as he likes to point out, “Someone must be at the bottom for another person to win…unless you like playing with yourself.” You see the hash is like a food chain. You have those who set wonderful runs at the top, whose runs only look good because they are compared to those that set crap runs. In effect the crap run-setters are at the bottom of the food chain; they are the Bottom Feeders, they allow the good run-setters to feed off them. Now ask yourself, “Am I a bottom feeder?”
Now Mango has been running for quite a while and has a reasonably good memory. So it is of no surprise that on his favorite fish tank, in his lab, he has two photos of what he likes to call his heroes. Great heroes who took bottom feeding to new remarkable lows, men who set the bar lower, men who were so far ahead of their time…well you get my drift. Just as kids who grew up in the eighties idolized Seb Coe and Steve Ovett, Mango worshipped Zimmerframe and Go West…heroes that one day, with full-on training and total dedication, he hoped to emulate for their great bottom feeding achievements. You see Zimmerframe, back in the late nineties, did something no N2TH3 hasher had ever done before…he broke the 15 minute mark. Actually, it was twelve and a half minutes…Mango was there, he timed the event. it was glorious to watch the FRBs warm the cool Brides Pool air with their unappreciation of what had just taken place. Not Mango, who headed straight for the bucket, grabbed a cold can of Castle and was overheard telling Zimmerframe he was the greatest Bottom Feeder ever and that he wanted to have his babies. Zimmerframe acknowledged Mango’s respect and replied in his beautiful Swiss- German accent “Ya, you must understand that this record can never be broken.”
Almost 10 years went by, no one could come near the great Zimmerframe’s record until on one cool December night in 2008 the master athlete Go West did what no man thought was possible: he took us to new depths …he broke the 10 minute mark. In fact, it was nine and a half minutes…Mango was there, he timed it. As he fell to the ground and kissed the shoes of the great Go West, shoes that were covered in Yuen Long mud, Mango cried, “Oh how I wish I could be a Bottom Feeder like Zimmerframe and yourself.” Go West pulled the now tearful Mango up and whispered gently in his ear “being a Bottom Feeder takes more than training, it is a way of life. You must not simply dream, you must believe, you must eat, sleep and breathe as if you are the greatest Bottom Feeder that the N2TH3 has ever had.”
Ten years have passed since the great Go West set his bottom feeding record. Now on a rather pleasant evening at Sheung Tsuen, Mango was going to attempt to be the greatest Bottom Feeder of all time. This was not going to be an easy task as he hatched his plan, carefully walking the trail a couple of times, using as many arrows as possible and not making the checks too difficult to solve. Golden Balls, who was made aware of Mango’s attempt at a new bottom feeding record, had advertised the run as being a record breaking event. So as the hounds arrived one by one they attempted to get some info from Mango. “Did you see the river?” asked Plod, “Is there a rambo-wimps split?” queried Liberace, “I hope we go up Tai Mo Shan,” requested Gaelle Says No, and “Will I get my feet wet?” probed Dram. To all these questions, Mango simply replied, “Don’t worry…I hope you all won’t have neck extensions.”
As the start time drew near and the GM arrived Mango requested a group photo before sending everyone up Kam Sheung road to the first check that went straight on. A little further in front of the Golden Seafood restaurant another check took the pack right and into some new development. A check on the concrete path followed, with correct trail heading straight onto another check that was solved leading rightwards passing some big trees and then a final check with the correct trail heading straight back parallel to the basketball courts and home.
Now you are probably wondering if a new Bottom Feeder record was set? Mango can confirm that indeed it was, with QT racing in at just under six minutes, Liberace close behind, then Eunuch (carrying a can of lager) happily chatting with Dram. In fact everyone came back in under nine minutes so the whole pack were part of this historic bottom feeding moment. It was just so hilarious to see the look on some of the hashers faces. Radio One simply could not believe that something like that was possible and promptly went out, with the GM and Gaelle Says No, and did the run again and again. Walkie Talkie and Antiseptic started running around the basketball court just to get warm and Liberace complained that he had not even broken sweat. Eunuch grabbed a can of Skol and Velcro just laughed as she collected cash.
As circle time approached the GM produced an exceptionally large bottle of wine. It was supposed to have been used for down-downs but a few of the young ladies present took rather a liking to it, leaving Back To The Future to fill down-down cups with Tsing Tao instead. By now Fartypants and Golden Balls had arrived and everyone knew what was coming. As is now the norm on the N2TH3, the circle was a rowdy affair. The GM distributed down-down after down-down for all manner of crimes…thankfully he steered clear of the rugby results. Then the RA and GM2 joined in as well. Eventually the circle became a free-for-all with Liberace (who has dreams of being a better Bottom Feeder than Mango) giving out a hilarious down-down for how silly the markings were. Sadly, we had to close the circle but the evening was not over yet as we all headed for food at Tasty House. Of course Mango was in seventh heaven and as he left the on on he was heard to say: “It has taken me 1000 runs to become the best N2TH3 Bottom Feeder ever. I hope my record will last forever.”
Thank you all for coming…Mango Groove.
Hare: Mango Groove
Runners: Radio 1, Gaelle Says No, Gunpowder Plod, Antiseptic, Liberace, Eunuch, Walkie Talkie, Dram, Creme Brulee, Velcro Lips, Back To The Future, Big Moany, QT
Non-runners: Golden Balls, Fartypants