Who Wants to be a Bottom Feeder?

This weeks run was advertised as Mango’s 1000^th run from Sheung Tsuen Playground, so everyone was expecting some special type of run; you know lots of shiggy, checkbacks, twists and turns, numerous rambo-wimp splits, hills, rivers and farm animals. Unfortunately, Mango had other ideas.  You see setting a good run has never been a trait of Mango Groove, and as Big Bonehead has been saying for the past 23 years, “Mango you are the worst hare I have ever met.” Not that Mango really cares and as he likes to point out, “Someone must be at the bottom for another person to win…unless you like playing with yourself.” You see the hash is like a food chain. You have those who set wonderful runs at the top, whose runs only look good because they are compared to those that set crap runs. In effect the crap run-setters are at the bottom of the food chain; they are the Bottom Feeders, they allow the good run-setters to feed off them. Now ask yourself, “Am I a bottom feeder?”

Now Mango has been running for quite a while and has a reasonably good memory.  So it is of no surprise that on his favorite fish tank, in his lab, he has two photos of what he likes to call his heroes. Great heroes who took bottom feeding to new remarkable lows, men who set the bar lower, men who were so far ahead of their time…well you get my drift. Just as kids who grew up in the eighties idolized Seb Coe and Steve Ovett, Mango worshipped Zimmerframe and Go West…heroes that one day, with full-on training and total dedication, he hoped to emulate for their great bottom feeding achievements. You see Zimmerframe, back in the late nineties, did something no N2TH3 hasher had ever done before…he broke the 15 minute mark. Actually, it was twelve and a half minutes…Mango was there, he timed the event. it was glorious to watch the FRBs warm the cool Brides Pool air with their unappreciation of what had just taken place. Not Mango, who headed straight for the bucket, grabbed a cold can of Castle and was overheard telling Zimmerframe he was the greatest Bottom Feeder ever and that he wanted to have his babies. Zimmerframe acknowledged Mango’s respect and replied in his beautiful Swiss- German accent “Ya, you must understand that this record can never be broken.”

Almost 10 years went by, no one could come near the great Zimmerframe’s record until on one cool December night in 2008 the master athlete Go West did what no man thought was possible: he took us to new depths …he broke the 10 minute mark. In fact, it was nine and a half minutes…Mango was there, he timed it.  As he fell to the ground and kissed the shoes of the great Go West, shoes that were covered in Yuen Long mud, Mango cried, “Oh how I wish I could be a Bottom Feeder like Zimmerframe and yourself.” Go West pulled the now tearful Mango up and whispered gently in his ear “being a Bottom Feeder takes more than training, it is a way of life. You must not simply dream, you must believe, you must eat, sleep and breathe as if you are the greatest Bottom Feeder that the N2TH3 has ever had.”

Ten years have passed since the great Go West set his bottom feeding record. Now on a rather pleasant evening at Sheung Tsuen, Mango was going to attempt to be the greatest Bottom Feeder of all time. This was not going to be an easy task as he hatched his plan, carefully walking the trail a couple of times, using as many arrows as possible and not making the checks too difficult to solve. Golden Balls, who was made aware of Mango’s attempt at a new bottom feeding record, had advertised the run as being a record breaking event. So as the hounds arrived one by one they attempted to get some info from Mango. “Did you see the river?” asked Plod, “Is there a rambo-wimps split?” queried Liberace, “I hope we go up Tai Mo Shan,” requested Gaelle Says No, and “Will I get my feet wet?” probed Dram. To all these questions, Mango simply replied, “Don’t worry…I hope you all won’t have neck extensions.”

As the start time drew near and the GM arrived Mango requested a group photo before sending everyone up Kam Sheung road to the first check that went straight on.  A little further in front of the Golden Seafood restaurant another check took the pack right and into some new development.  A check on the concrete path followed, with correct trail heading straight onto another check that was solved leading rightwards passing some big trees and then a final check with the correct trail heading straight back parallel to the basketball courts and home.

Now you are probably wondering if a new Bottom Feeder record was set? Mango can confirm that indeed it was, with QT racing in at just under six minutes, Liberace close behind, then Eunuch (carrying a can of lager) happily chatting with Dram. In fact everyone came back in under nine minutes so the whole pack were part of this historic bottom feeding moment. It was just so hilarious to see the look on some of the hashers faces. Radio One simply could not believe that something like that was possible and promptly went out, with the GM and Gaelle Says No, and did the run again and again.  Walkie Talkie and Antiseptic started running around the basketball court just to get warm and Liberace complained that he had not even broken sweat. Eunuch grabbed a can of Skol and Velcro just laughed as she collected cash.

As circle time approached the GM produced an exceptionally large bottle of wine.  It was supposed to have been used for down-downs but a few of the young ladies present took rather a liking to it, leaving Back To The Future to fill down-down cups with Tsing Tao instead. By now Fartypants and Golden Balls had arrived and everyone knew what was coming. As is now the norm on the N2TH3, the circle was a rowdy affair. The GM distributed down-down after down-down for all manner of crimes…thankfully he steered clear of the rugby results. Then the RA and GM2 joined in as well. Eventually the circle became a free-for-all with Liberace (who has dreams of being a better Bottom Feeder than Mango) giving out a hilarious down-down for how silly the markings were.  Sadly, we had to close the circle but the evening was not over yet as we all headed for food at Tasty House.  Of course Mango was in seventh heaven and as he left the on on he was heard to say: “It has taken me 1000 runs to become the best N2TH3 Bottom Feeder ever. I hope my record will last forever.”

Thank you all for coming…Mango Groove.

Hare: Mango Groove

Runners: Radio 1, Gaelle Says No, Gunpowder Plod, Antiseptic, Liberace, Eunuch, Walkie Talkie, Dram, Creme Brulee, Velcro Lips, Back To The Future, Big Moany, QT

Non-runners: Golden Balls, Fartypants

 

 

 

 

Frog & Toad

Serbian Bomber set off at 7.10pm in the pouring rain and near-zero visibilty of a very wet Tai Mo Shan. First task? The bogs. Second task? To set the run. Early arrivers saw him disappear into the rain, shoulders hunched determinedly. It was to be a live hare run.

Shortly after 7.30 the small pack took off down the hill to Route Twisk and a check, with trail found in the Kam Tin direction. Shortly after, another check with options on both sides of the road. It was here, up some steps, that Creme Brulee called “Frog!” only for the entire pack to converge on the steps to see the GM coming back down. “You called trail!” “Non, I called frog!” The irony of this seemed to be lost on the valiant Frenchman.

After a while another check was found along Route Twisk, similarly with several options on both sides of the road. Extensive checking along every trail – there were quite a few – revealed nothing. So we checked again. And again. After 15 minutes I suggested the trail had been washed out and we “hash” our way back to the beer, a suggestion enthusiastically embraced by almost everybody, but Mango said :No! We’ve NEVER abandoned a trail! We must go out again and find it!”

So once more unto the breach, or in my case, the shiggy. The totally trackless shiggy with no trail going steeply up through forest. And there it was, fluttering in the trees like an abandoned condom: “TRAIL!!” And so we all hauled ourselves up the muddy slope. We’d been out half an hour and were 400 metres from the start. No chance of catching the hare then.

Eventually the MacLehose Trail was attained and the trail led up the stone steps to a shiggy loop among the rocks before dropping down to Tai Mo Shan Road and heading downhill, but I’d had enough and went back to the start. Here I encountered Back To The Future, who’d decided not to run as she wasn’t feeling very well, and I explained to her that the pack was still in the early stages of the run and not to expect them back for 45 minutes. Not much later a torch light could be seen, and then the unmistakeable silhouette of a burly man hunkered like a toad, running very fast indeed and almost falling over. It was the hare. Twenty metres behind him, showing no sense of urgency, was Mango Groove followed by One Eyed Jack and Liberace. Somehow they had failed to realise that the burly man in front of them was the hare.

The accusations started. “What the frick was that third check about?” “Did you lot do the big shiggy loop? You’ve short cut 20 minutes of the run!” Back and forth the banter went. Creme Brulee and Eunuch arrived, having started on the big shiggy loop but lost trail and come back up to the road, so nobody had done the full trail. Nobody? But where was Moni? Had she ventured, alone and in the dark, onto Serbian’s “terribly steep, real shiggy” loop and got lost – or, worse, actually found the trail? After half an hour it was decided to send a motorised search party of one out to find her. Who else but a gallant Frenchman, the GM?

While he was out Moni came back. The GM later said on Whatsapp: “Rain, wind, clouds, inconceivable check, toilet paper lost in the shiggy and Moni deciding to do her own things, triggering a failed rescue mission.”

The usual raucous circle degenerated into chaos and we all went home happy.  – Golden Balls

Hare: Serbian Bomber

Runners: Golden Balls, Mango Groove, One Eyed Jack, Liberace, Creme Brulee, Eunuch, Moni

Non-runner: Back To The Future

 

E-Venn-tful Outing

Controversy reigned at Saturday Run No. 17 as hashers returned from the trail with vastly differing comments on the quality of the run.

“Crap – too short!” announced the incensed Dingaling.

“Crap – illegal markings!” announced the enraged BJ.

“Crap – foolish run!” announced the apoplectic Liberace.

Others were of polar opposite views.

“Great trail – just the right length!” enthused Eunuch.

“Great trail – beautiful!” gushed Oranguwank.

Great trail – superb markings!” raved Mango Groove.

Which just goes to show something or other but I’m buggered if I know what. Perhaps the Hash Venn diagram above can throw some light on the altercation; clearly Liberace belongs in the central field.

Hare Golden Balls had promised a shorter variant of the Free China run he’d set with Gaelle Says No in February, and he wasn’t kidding, with bragging rights going to Stunt Double, who returned in 50 minutes. He was closely followed in by Eunuch, Oranguwank and Dingaling before the three disgruntled hashers started filing in. What went wrong?

Trail left the start at a Kwu Ling Ling Ying Public School on a beautiful afternoon more akin to autumn than March and led out around fields to the north, where Victim solved the first check. After a short forest section trail emerged on Lin Ma Hang Road at the River Ganges Pumping Station, where trail led briefly east to the second check. Runners looked every which way but no trail was to be found. It was at this point that an indignant Gunpowder Plod returned to the start along the road, followed by strollers T-Bird and Electrolux. However Plod was soon regruntled with instructions from the hare on how to get back on trail by short-cutting. Meanwhile, back on Lin Ma Hang Road Liberace eventually solved the check by returning the 30 metres to the pumping station and heading in the opposite direction, i.e., 180 degrees away from the check, which was a “backward” check oft used by Free China hares to sow confusion. The legality of this check was debated for the rest of the afternoon.

From here trail led up an old police road to a Macintosh fort and thence along a ridge, some of it recently burned. Towards the end of this ridge was a hazard the hare had warned about: coming downhill from the trig point a sudden left turn on the edge of a cliff. “S” for “slow” markings on the ground warned people to slow down or walk or else they would run straight over the cliff…there were no casualties.

Crossing a concrete path trail went up steeply on a fixed rope to another top, then dropped down to the south and an overgrown trail leading to the R/W split. From here, the Rambo trail threw a short loop up the dirt bike tracks and back round to rejoin the wimps for a pleasant run home on dirt tracks.

The circle was followed by an on-on at Luen Wo Hui. – Cock of Space

Hare: Golden Balls

Runners: Antiseptic, Velcro Lips, Catch Of The Day, Dram, Liberace, Luk Dim Boon, Stunt Double, Hoover, Electrolux, BJ, Gunpowder Plod, Mango Groove, Golden Jelly, Oranguwank, Eunuch, T-Bird, Dingaling, Victim

Non-runners: Overdue, Eunuch’s kids

Two Kings

“The trail is not suitable for cripples!” said hare Dingaling of his run near Wu Kau Tang, but this didn’t deter Catch Of The Day, on crutches after hip surgery, who tackled the trail complete with its fixed ropes. But if the redoubtable COTD could be forgiven for taking forever to finish the trail, what of the two Kings – Stingray and Serbian Bomber – who turned up at the finish – in a car – after two-plus hours, with the circle almost over?

Starting from the car park the trail went down some steps and along paths to the river where a check back was solved by taking the extremely steep shiggy trail up to the waterfall. From here trail went across the top of the waterfall and along the stone path to Wu Kau Tang. Plod didn’t fancy the steep trail so tried to second-guess the run, getting it completely wrong and arriving back at the start after 20 minutes. Meanwhile trail went along village paths, up and around and down and up through terraces, a beautiful section. At a check on the flanks of Tiu Tang Lung back markers Golden Balls, Golden Jelly and the returnee Mony, aka Bukakke’s wife, decided to cut down to the lights of Bride’s Pool far below for a short cut, while the rest of the pack trooped on up almost to the summit to where Serbian lost his glasses last year and had to be guided off the mountain by GB. Trail then descended to the north and went to the Wu Kau and fire lookout and down to Bride’s Pool Rd for the long run in.

Eunuch was first back but after successfully tackling all the shiggy he managed to roll his ankle on the road 100m from the finish. Back they came in ones and two, including a welcome return by the Bogbrushily refulgent Antiseptic, but where were the two Kings? The fact that the car they arrived in was driven by COTD (who’d left her car at Wu Kau Tang to avoid the road run-in) immediately raised suspicions that they’d tried to short cut and got hopelessly lost. Or perhaps they made like Elvis and Wacko Jacko in the song Two Kings by Burning Hell? – One Eyed Jack

Oh their cabin isn’t small at all, but it’s no northern Neverland
No Graceland in the woods, just a simple home with simple furnishings
Two Kings on two wooden thrones, rocking the porch away
Talking about the old days and working out the details of their comeback tour
 
No, you’ll never see us again
Oh, you never were our real friends
Ergo, you’ll never see us again 

Hare: Dingaling

Runners:  BJ, One Eyed Jack, Serbian Bomber, Stingray, Creme Brulee, Liberace, Mango Groove, Eunuch, Antiseptic, Catch Of The Day, Gunpowder Plod, Mony, Golden Jelly, Golden Balls

 

 

 

 

A Valorous Run

Outside Tai Shui Hang station, the promised markings to the start – at the sitting out area half a kilometer up Mui Tsz Lam Road – were indeed observed.  The only thing about the markings were they were unusually large and had the letters WH3 crossed out. Nothing to worry about though as we all knew where the start was and it wasn’t Sunday so we couldn’t be doing a WH3 run anyway.  This weeks scribe was third to arrive at the start with Eunuch and Stingray already changed and ready to go. Others followed, one by one, until our number swelled to 12, but there was something strange… no ladies. We’re not turning gay, are we?

Eventually the hare, Vibrator, arrived carrying an enormous back pack and covered in flour. After a few shouts of “are we gonna get started today or what?” the hare gave out instructions.  Key points for the pack were a rambo run of 6km, a wimp run of 3km, it will take an hour if you’re good at going uphill, there’s a number of check backs, and make sure you have a torch.

So off we went, running a short stretch down Mui Tsz Lam Road, with One Eyed Jack and Liberace solving the first check that went left just after a little bridge.  A check or two later had us all clambering up a slope with Eunuch, Mango and One Eyed Jack short cutting.  As the trail wound its way around the slope we began to have a sense of what was coming… a pretty long hill climb.  So up we went with Gaelle Says No, Liberace, Crème Brulee and Eunuch going at pace up the hill. As we climbed for about 15 minutes a rambo / wimp split was sighted, an option that QT found too tempting to neglect.  More climbing, hearts pounding out of chests, one crest after another until… a check back.  Well only the FRBs got to the check back as the rest of us were so far behind; they marked the correct trail off to the right, but Dingaling decided that this was a trick and had to go all the way up the hill just to find out for himself.

Once the check back was solved some nice flattish trail had us running onto a three-way check that went up slightly before a long descent.  As we ran down, great care had to be taken due to the “ankle twisting terrain.” Eunuch led the way all the way to the final check back before clambering over the railings for a very short run home. The run was just over an hour for the FRB’s with others arriving within the next 30 minutes. The hare did admit that he recycled his recent WH3 run but nobody gave a toss as there was plenty of beer to drink.

As we waited for the circle to start indeed much beer was consumed, including some called “Valor” that Eunuch got at a North Point Wellcome store for $30 a case. Geriatric had brought along a bottle of wine and Plod continued his email spamdemic about plastic cups.  The circle was a lively affair with the GM and GM2 dishing out down downs for all manner of crimes. As usual the circle descended into chaos and was eventually closed. All that is left to be written is this was an excellent first N2TH3 hared run by Vibrator… hope to see him again in eight months time. – Mango Groove

Hare: Vibrator

Runners: Stingray, Eunuch, Mango Groove, Dingaling, Gunpowder Plod, One Eyed Jack, Gaelle Says No, QT, Bunter, Geriatric, Crème Brulee, Liberace