Toilet Trading

I arrived at Serbian Bomber’s favourite place in the whole world early for once, and was soon joined by four other hashers: Velcro Lips, Radio 1 and the hares Back To The Future and Golden Jelly. “Is this turning into the Ladies Hash?” I asked, in response to which a resounding trombone blast rent the air. “What the fuck was that?” Velcro replied “It’s Revenge of the Chick…peas. I had some healthy shit for lunch and tried to pick out all the chickpeas, but some made it through…” “I’m off to get changed,” choked Radio 1, heading for the toilet block.

A little while later I too headed for the toilets. My bewilderment on entering the gents – greeted by the sight of Radio 1 in her vest and panties – knew no bounds. “What are you doing here?” she demanded in outrage. In response, I indicated the men’s urinals not a metre from where she was getting changed. You’ve never seen a jaw hit the floor so quickly. She spent the rest of the evening protesting she didn’t mean to be in the men’s toilets half naked, a protest which became less and less convincing as the night progressed.

But I digress. There was a run to be dealt with, and the hares dismayed the pack with words like “hard run”, “”up and down” and “8km”. There was no wimps trail. There was one T. It was Back To The Future’s first stab at being hare for the NNT. Which way? Down to Route Twisk and across the road.

So off we went, into the country park management area and a three-way check. Eunuch went up the road. “T!”. Liberace went along the path to the left. “No markings!”. Creme Brûlée took the trail to the right. “Trail!”, and we all followed, until Eunuch said ,”Here, that’s not flour, it’s paint!”. Thus we milled around and even tested the 180-degree check hypothesis, to no avail, until Eunuch re-tested the Liberace path. “Trail!” he yelled after less than 100 metres. We should have known.

The going was rough underfoot with plenty of rock gardens and root estates, and soon it got more technical as trail led down down down a nice shiggy trail, eventually emerging at the village opposite Chuen Lung. Here trail crossed a stream, and Mango fell in, cracking his elbow badly on a rock. We all laughed as he lay there in agony, except Liberace, who said, “Mango, can you move? Yes? Then you’re OK. Bye…”

The next section sorted us out. It was a steep bamboo forest and trail led uphill along pig tracks through dense bamboo knitted low overhead. It was observed that the diminutive BTTF and the slim Golden Jelly had clearly not taken into account the girth of the chubbers that were supposed to follow this impossible pathway. I very soon had my head torch ripped off so was obliged to carry it, immobilising one hand in terrain that required two. Behind, Velcro’s muffled swearing could be discerned. Above, Eunuch was apparently levitating above the shiggy, so rapid was his ascent.

There followed more ups and downs, all in forest, of varying runnability. Velcro’s torch faded to nothing but Radio 1 was on hand to help her along. QT fell over three times. Where are we? The disorientation only alleviated by the occasional sound of motoring from Route Twisk. At long last we hit the familiar and hateful steps up to the road leading to Tai Lam Chung Reservoir, from where it was a simple run down to Tsuen Kam Au and the finish.

A successful hash is one that turns the air blue at the finish. If the amount of bitching and recrimination between the first half dozen back – scaring off a bunch of shaven-coiffed and tattooed tripod types – was anything to go by, this was run of the year! Back To The Future went round with a cake tin full of toffee walnut she’d prepared. The circle featured a 69 between One Eyed Jack and Liberace, in which Liberace’s reputation as a Lothario took a severe pounding when he appeared to be confused by what a 69 actually is. “Which way do I face?”

Great first effort by hare Back To The Future and co-hare Golden Jelly! – Golden Balls

Hares: Back To The Future, Golden Jelly

Runners: Liberace, One Eyed Jack, Liberace, Mango Groove, Creme Brûlée, Radio 1, QT, Velcro Lips, Dram, Antiseptic, T-Bird, Golden Balls