Mystery Bitch
For the past twelvemonth (an archaic term for a year used by Golden Balls to impress upon us his learned knowledge of the English language), N2TH3 have endured a foreign regime led by a French Grand Maitre (Hong Kong’s first Gallic hash dictator) and been forced to give up beer and crisps in favour of wine and cheese.
Quislings in the pack acquiesced to this subjugation by bestowing upon the hash hierarchy regalia and vestments of office in the form of berets, striped shirts and onion strings. A tricoleur T-shirt was later produced and sold to us in euros and we had to learn an alien tongue. Not since Norman times have we had to endure such indignities.
The GM’s homme a droit, RA, Chief Propagandist and Interpreter, Golden Balls had warmed us up with the following proclamation regarding the trail and theme:
Trail: Beautiful. A to B with rambo and wimp options. Equal length, around 7-8km. Rambo trail with good shiggy. If bringing kids then wimp trail is recommended. Beach finish. Hash halt: Yes, manned by RA2 Radio 1 Theme: French. Bring strings of onions, stripey T-shirts, berets, baguettes and boursin, and your “I stuck it to Harold” sticker. There’ll be a few Frenchie comestibles laid on alongside the usual crap snacks – bring some extra of your own if you want.
On the Big Day, a large crowd of supplicants gathered at the King’s Belly – a dissident Anglo pub in Tai Po still serving beer and crisps – and boarded a British bus (well, it wasn’t a Citroen) and then waited for he the late arrival of No Rough Stuff whose excuse was that she had encountered shiggy in the park en route (you see, even your scribe has been indoctrinated!) in which was lurking a Stingray lookalike exposing his weevil.
This bus then embarked on a mystery tour Le Grand Depart near Tai Lam Chung Fire Station where it was greeted by the N2TH3 voiture-driving elite (Luk Dim Boon, Gunpowder Plod, Velcro Lips, Sticky Sex Toy and Penile Dementia) and assorted passenger peasantry including, Crackpot, O’Bollocks, Princess Cock Tosser and LDB’s family.
We then gathered in a childrens’ playground for a briefing. In anticipation of us all beating a hasty retreat in true Gallic fashion in the wrong direction, the GM had written this upside down. We were told that the trail was about 8km, that there were two rambo/wimp splits, that there would be a “hash halt” (note, not a beer stop!) and that the run would finish at a Mystery Bitch.
The pack bitched about this for a few seconds before the RA Took Back Control and explained that the run would end at some mystery condom and plastic straw strewn stretch of sand somewhere over the hills and far away; Dover perhaps?
Then we were off to the first split where the rambos crossed a footbridge across the river and up the first hill, crossing a number of sloping granite outcrops and getting rare views down into Siu Lam Psychiatric Centre with its maximum security prison. After reaching a trig point it was a rough trail down to the chlorination station at Tai Lam Chung Reservoir and onto a good path, with the rear taken up by the late-starting Liberace yelling “Twail”!
The wimps (Dram, Gunpowder Plod, Velcro Lips, Luk Dim Boon and family, Luk Sup Gow, Beer Tits, Phil and Geriatric) carried on along the road through the prison (sorry, “correctional institution”) precincts and up the hill onto the Tai Lam reservoir trails which were indeed beautiful and not too difficult to navigate despite the occasional lunatic on a mountain bike to avoid. Mid-way through, the rambos rejoined led by Burning Lust, Rooted, Dame Invade Her and Wai Chi Cock followed by Liberace and the rest and then the trail split again:
The rambos on on around the reservoir and onto the catchwater road above So Kwun Wat, the western end of the Maclehose Trail. This pleasant bit of hardtop went on for a good 2.5km until the hash halt was reached.
Meanwhile, from the split the wimps on down some steps to a road down to So Kwun Wat village and after a couple of good checks and a check back appeared to be heading for the Mystery Bitch. Mais non, the devious Napoleonic hare took us back up a sodding hill again, through a pretty cottage area with lots of lusty cottagers doing their thing, RS2H3-style (Lo Tsing Shan village) and eventually onto the catchwater road (where your scribe encountered the short-cutting One Eyed Jack and Stingray who had apparently left poor old Penile Dementia all on his todsome on the rambo trail).
See No Weevil then steamed past us, averting here eyes, and then we shortly encountered Radio 1 displaying her wares by the road side. She smuggled us an elicit ale each with a conspiratorial nudge-nudge and we were off on the final kilometre (there I go again – mile!). Down some steep steps past some posh condos, onto a road, through a tunnel, across Castle Peak Road and onto Cafeteria Beach where we were greeted by a large tricoleur and assorted happy Francophiles quaffing wine and munching on cheese and baguettes. A fine run in perfect running weather. Merci. Merde! Thank you…
The participants who got into the French dress theme most enthusiastically (minus those wearing the T-shirts) were, I recall, Stingray in a dainty raspberry beret, The Widow Wanky, Geriatric, the GM, Golden Balls and a horrible apparition straight from the Bois de Boulogne, Guy the Gay Hooker.
A truly chaotic beach circle later ensued with the GM dispensing plonko blanco down-downs from a jeroboam while the RA, in his final act in office, produced something vaguely phallic from his pocket and waved it in the air: “The Pencil”, a newly introduced prop fashioned from a broomstick handle, to be awarded each week before the run by the hare to the scribe of the hare’s choice. This will of course change run ethos forever as hashers fall over each other to be nice to the hare before the off.
Then it was the awards. Winners got a fancy bottle opener donated by RA2 Radio 1.
Crash of the Year
Nominees
1. Mango Groove (Run 1858, Tai Mo Shan) falling in the river and squealing like a bitch as we laughed at him
2. QT (Run 1859, Kong Nga Po) thinking he’s broken his ankle and squealing like a bitch as we laughed at him
3. Dram (lesser hash, Sai Kung) getting through treacherous, slippery stream bed shiggy only to fall flat on his face on a level concrete path
Winner: Dram
Hare of the Year
Nominees
Golden Balls: set equal most runs (5)
Liberace: set equal most runs (5), all of them unrecced
Back To The Future: new hasher, set the run where Mango fell in the river
Radio 1: new hasher, set two runs
Winner: Liberace
Run of the Year
Nominees
1845 (GB/Gaelle Says No, Man Kam To) joint run with FCH
1850 (Dingaling, Bride’s Pool Rd) great variety and some new stuff
1853 (Mango Groove, Sheung Tsuen) broke the great Go West’s long-standing record with a 6-minute trail
1867 (Liberace, Yuen Long) maddest shiggy ever, T-shirts torn to shreds
Winner: Mango Groove
It then remained but for the GM to cut off his onions and announce in random order the demise of the old rabble and the replacement new rabble:
GM Catch Of The Day
GM2 Geriatric
RA One Eyed Jack
RA2 Penile Dementia
Cash Golden Jelly
Beer Eunuch
Hares & Web Golden Balls
— Gunpowder Plod (inaugural recipient of The Pencil)
Hares: Creme Brulee, Golden Balls, Radio 1
Runners: Velcro Lips, Free Rider, Kannot Finnish, No Rough Stuff, Dame Invade Her, Bunter, Wai Chi Cock, Robuster, Penile Dementia, Liberace, Luk Dim Boon + wife and daughter, Dram, T Bird, Back To The Future, Gunpowder Plod, Luk Sup Gow, Beer Tits, Phil, O’Bollocks, Crackpot, Golden Jelly, Mango Groove, One Eyed Jack, Stingray, Burning Lust, Rooted, See No Weevil, Sticky Sex Toy, Princess Cock Tosser, Geriatric
Non-runners: Motor Mouth, Widow Wanky, Catch Of The Day, North & South, Victim, Eunuch, Antiseptic, Travis, Ruth, Piss In Bucket
Northern New Territories Hash 