Ref: HKP SS RN 123456/19

Disorderly Conduct, Noise at Night and Indecent Exposure

Date/Time/ Place of Report: 230010072019 Sheung Shui Division

Informant: CHAN Fat, ID A123245(0) Village Representative, Hok Tau, Tel 2860 0000

Report: Inft reports by phone that between approx 1930 hrs and 2230 hrs on 10 July, an unruly rabble of  gweilos and yellow running dogs assembled at the BBQ pits of Hok Tau and then ran through the organic farms of the valley, opening gates and disturbing peaceful farmers and dogs with cries of “Are U?” and “OnOn” and “Twail!”.

They had also scattered the paths with shredded copies of “A Nerd’s Guide to Hong Kong Tunnels” and “The Joint Declaration”.

This mob were next seen running down Lau Shui Heung Road causing village cyclists, smugglers and green minibus passengers great alarm with their flashing searchlights and loathsome grimaces.

They next greatly disturbed the peaceful market gardeners of Ko Po and Ng Uk Tsuen who were forced to get out of their beds to defend their bak choi crops against the trampling feet of the ghastly foreign intruders.

Some peace was temporarily restored when this cowardly pack were driven into the hills by a 92-year-old villager of Tan Chuk Hang and veteran of the Long March, and his teenage sha pei.

Unfortunately they reappeared in the BBQ pit shelter at about 2030 hrs and proceeded to noisily and drunkenly party and disturb the villagers of Hok Tau Wai with their ribald commentary and raucous laughter.

One old gweilo was observed removing his shorts behind a wall and exposing his ample bottom to the moonlight and the visage of an outraged female village elder hiding in the bushes pleasuring herself.

Action Requested: VR CHAN Fat demands that vigurous police action be taken to identify and seriously prosecute the imperialist offenders

Action Taken: SS Mobile 1 attended scene Code 3 at 2330 hrs.

No suspect persons found.

Informant located who complained that police had woken up the villagers with their siren.

Ambulance called to scene at 2350hrs.

VR CHAN Fat taken to NDH with minor head injury caused by running into PC 1234’s baton which he was waving at mosquitos.

A strange gweilo document was seized in the shelter:

Hare: Dingaling

Pack: One Eyed Jack, Gunpowder Plod, Liberace, Serbian Bomber, Salesman, Velcro Lips, Dram, ?

Hangers On: Golden Balls, Golden Jelly, ?, ?

Divisional Commander Action: clearly a case of Misunderstanding. NFA