Run Report 1982 – 14 October 2020

Run 1982 Report

Location: Tai Po Sitting Out Area near King’s Belly

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The Hare: Mango Groove @ Eddie Deane

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Intro: Well as the hare is an EX Scientist turned Interior Decorator who studied fish and mushrooms, we could expect nothing else. So as there was the “The Alleged Threat From Rain” after the passage of the latest NON Typhoon, where our mad Scientist decided to follow the advice from those at the HKO and relocate from his original planned start of Yau Tong and move closer to the Belly. This move resulted in a shortfall in regular runners as the fitter of the bunch decided not to show up such as Gael Says Yes, Radio One, Golden Jelly, Penile Dementia, Plod, Creamy Brolley, TD, Mooney, LSG, Farty, Walky, Dram, Serbian (not seen for months!) etc.

The Pack:

So that left the following to make an appearance: Golden Balls arrived late as he got lost riding his newly acquired bike on the recently added cycle track. (He ended up at North District Hospital)

GM, OEJ and Back to the Future, who got back first..

Liberace, COTD and Auntie Septic with Eunuch.

No Rough Stuff appeared in full head to toe, brand new running regalia, saw a fish tank on the run and decided that it contained ghosts and returned to the start.

Our two grey’s of Q and Geriatric.

POD and Virgin Flaps who arrived back late after losing trail. Winners of the Red Lantern

The Run: What was there to say about the trail?

It went around past the station, up to JC Court, up the steps to TPK and back down through the village. Even the hare apologized for getting lost and having to make the checks extremely short at 20m, so markings were generally easy to follow.

Unfortunately, all trail was on CONCRETE, I say again CONCRETE. That material invented by the Romans and described by Wiki as:

Concrete is a composite material composed of fine and coarse aggregate bonded together with a fluid cement (cement paste) that hardens (cures) over time. In the past limebased cement binders were often used, such as lime putty, but sometimes with other hydraulic cements, such as a calcium aluminate cement or with Portland cement to form Portland cement concrete (named for its visual resemblance to Portland stone).Many other non-cementitious types of concrete exist with other methods of binding aggregate together, including asphalt concrete with a bitumen binder, which is frequently used for road surfaces, and polymer concretes that use polymers as a binder.

When aggregate is mixed with dry Portland cement and water, the mixture forms a fluid slurry that is easily poured and molded into shape. The cement reacts with the water and other ingredients to form a hard matrix that binds the materials together into a durable stone-like material that has many uses.Often, additives (such as pozzolans or superplasticizers) are included in the mixture to improve the physical properties of the wet mix or the finished material. Most concrete is poured with reinforcing materials (such as rebar) embedded to provide tensile strength, yielding reinforced concrete.

Because concrete cures (which is not the same as drying) how concrete is handled after it is poured is just as important as before.

Concrete is one of the most frequently used building materials. Its usage worldwide, ton for ton, is twice that of steel, wood, plastics, and aluminum combined Globally, the ready-mix concrete industry, the largest segment of the concrete market, is projected to exceed $600 billion in revenue by 2025.

Concrete is distinct from mortar. Whereas concrete is itself a building material, mortar is a bonding agent that typically holds bricks, tiles and other masonry units together

The Scribe: One Eye Jack

Edited by: Gunpowder Plod

Run 1968 – 20th May 2020

Fruity & Groovy in Kowloon

The Hare: Mango Groove

Cartoon Poster Mango Illustration, Mango boss, comics, food, user ...

The Pencil: Liberace

The Editor: Golden Balls

The WINO (Webshite In Name Only)***: Gunpowder Plod

The Pack: QT, Back To The Future, Bunter, Creme Brulee, Eunuch, Geriatric, Golden Balls, Liberace, One Eyed Jack, Penile Dementia, Stingray, Radio 1, Velcro Lips.

The Preamble: This week’s run was difference to traditional N2TH3 runs. Usually we run in the New Territories, but Mango set this run in Kowloon, at Ngau Chi Wan, probably because he was the hare for a lesser hash on Monday and didn’t want to spend time setting a different twail. The lazy guy just repeated the same twail for us.

The stories behind Hong Kong districts: Ngau Chi Wan and Choi Hung ...

About 6:45pm to 7pm, we were almost all present, except for Golden Balls who  came late. So we could start at 7.30pm sharp (except One Eyed Jack and Penile Dementia, who set off before the normal start time).

The Amble: After Mango gave a short briefing, the pack dashing up to Wing Ting Street and took a left to Ping Ting Street. After a long set of about 500 steps on the right we were directed to Hammer Hill. I was the front runner as usual when came to the first check, but l still got it wrong even though I had already done the same twail on Monday.

Directory /images/Hammer Hill - Fei Ngo Shan
Directory /images/Hammer Hill - Fei Ngo Shan

I ran straight up the steps for a long distance and found l was in the wrong when l heard QT calling twail from the bottom. When I ran back to the right twail, the pack were almost all in front of me. We ran to a shiggy path in the middle of the hill and were directed to somewhere near Diamond Hill.

No longer last l overtook all of the pack and led them down the long shiggy path, which ended up at the main concrete road. I clearly saw some concrete steps up to the fence and a great hole that you can go through. I got through the fence and ran down the main road, Fung Shing Street. But there were two blind people, Radio 1 and Stingray, who didn’t see the hole and continued into the shiggy searching further for twail.

It made them waste more than five minutes in the shiggy. Finally they found the hole then short cut back to the circle, complaining to the hare of no marking! Other than them, Eunuch, Creme Brulee, Geriatric and Velcro Lips also wimped back.

Back to my twail. l ran down Fung Shing Street and met a wimps/rambo split at the junction beside a petrol station. I also checked wrong by chasing flour straight up the main road only to find a reverse arrow marked “on home”. Then l ran back to the W/R split and found the real twail along the invisible path beside the petrol station and marked by tissue paper.

Chasing the paper into Diamond Hill Cemetery, I caught GM QT again when he ran around the cemetery. Running through the cemetery, we met the concrete Po Kong Village road and ran along it down to join the W/R split again. Then it was along Ping Ting road back to the circle.

Cemetary-Kowloon | Gwulo: Old Hong Kong

The Postamble: When we got back there was Eunuch, Creme Brulee, Geriatric, Penile Dementia, Stingray, Radio 1 and Golden Balls, who came late and did his own thing. They were all drunk on beer already.

One Eyed Jack had left early as usual. It’s like he didn’t do the run because no one knew he’d been there. Velcro Lips got back after l’d finished a can of beer and complained that no one had marked the checks. Back To The Future was last. She did the whole rambo trail and said she was very scared when running through the cemetery alone.

The Circle/Down Downs — can’t remember so many. Some of them were:

Mango — setting the same trail as he did for Kowloon Hash. No clear marking of the W/R split.

Liberace — getting the check wrong even though he’d done the same trail before. Not marking checks for Velcro Lips.

Back To The Future — Red Lantern.

Golden Balls — late. And doing his own run.

Radio1 and Golden Balls — private OnOn.

GM QT— 100 runs.

The OnOn: was in the daipaidong nearby. GM, Bunter, Mango, Stringray, Velcro, Penile, Geriatric, Liberace, GB and Radio 1 all went along, a total of 10 people. According to the Covid-19 law, gatherings of more than eight are not allowed. So Golden Balls and Radio 1, who were last to the daipaidong, reluctantly went for Korean barbecue somewhere else.

*** Ref WINO (Webshite In Name Only): Observant Hashers (Uh?) might have noticed that ONE WEEK BEFORE this run, a photo appeared with the Run Notice:

It was not quite this one but similar:

Smiling Young Female Seller Wearing Apron Showing Ripe Mango ...

Your WINO then received a complaint so (after much grumbling) your WINO replaced it with this:

Censor Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

However, much to my astonishment, this innocuous pic was itself censored by our GM/Gauleiter-in-Chief (given access only to sort out/further fuck up this atrocious Word Press bollocks) and replaced with:

Cartoon Poster Mango Illustration, Mango boss, comics, food, user ... or similar…

I think I might have to resign – when is the AGM?

WINO Gunpowder Plod

Run 1964, 4 March 2020

Radio One’s Forest Wash-Out (with Jelly)

START LOCATION: Tai Po Kau Garden

Sitting-out facilities at Tsung Tsai Yuen

The Hares: Radio One and Golden Jelly

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Image result for golden jelly small pics

The Scribe: Anus the Horrible – “Looking for a Sign”

Image result for anus the horrible pics The Day he was named:

Run 1684, 21 March 2015, Sham Tseng Reservoir – The Saturday Run …

The Pack: Auntiseptic, Anus the Horrible, Back to the Future, Bunter, Crème Brûlée, Dram, Eunuch, Farty Pants, Walkie Talkie, Geriatric, Golden Balls, Golden Jelly, Gunpowder Plod, Liberace, Lok Sap Gow, One Eyed Jack, Ponce of Darkness, QT, Salesman, Serbian Bomber, Stingray, Sticky, Victim

The Preamble: Approaching the pavilion at Tai Po Kau Garden, I was surprised to see 20 or so runners champing at the bit. It was a damp and misty evening; on the way there, in Golden Jelly’s car, we’d guessed about eight people would show up.  

The Hares, Radio 1 and Golden Jelly, took us through the markings. No toilet paper! Not because it was impractical but because it was going for USD$10 per roll in Tai Po.

The Amble: The pack then stormed off, up the road and onto the nature trail, directed there by a barely visible chalk arrow (as it turned out, one of very few) and up to the beginning of the colour-coded trails that run through the enchanted forest.

Myself, Eunuch, Stingray and Salesman spent a few minutes searching for a sign – anything – that might tell us which way to go. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Sweet FA. The rain had taken all away.

At this point, a consensus was reached: The “run” would become a pleasant night-time stroll among the trees, following the blue trail that is dotted with interpretive notice boards with fascinating facts about twigs and woodlice.

Image result for wood lice pics

As well as educating ourselves about naturism, along the way we chatted about the prospects of various English football teams such as Arsenal United, Manchester Rovers and Chelsea Wanderers and agreed it was a great pity that the back legs had fallen off Liverpool Athletic and that Brian Sheepskin would have to go, his position untenable.

Things were going swimmingly (twigs are mostly brown, it turns out) until Salesman broke into a run. A run, for fuck’s sake. I followed, not wanting to left alone to be buggered by baboons or molested by the natives who, it’s rumoured, dwell deep in the forest (last seen in1931 when two emerged from the forest onto the platform of Tai Po Kau KCR station begging for toilet paper and hand sanitiser).

And then, glory be, a sign. The Rambo / Wimp split. There was a god. Even, perhaps, a hare. Salesman and I opted for the Rambo, ascending a steep flight of steps to a trig point at about 300m and down yet more steps to Savanna Garden for a short burst of proper running along Tai Po Kau Rd. We emerged from the mist in triumphant fashion. As it turned out, we were the only two Rambos. And by some miracle, we’d followed the trail.

Image result for gay runners hand in hand

The Circle: Down-downs were numerous and varied. Ones I recall: The Hares, of course, for failing to take into account the effect of rain on chalk.   Back to the Future and Lok Sap Gow for wearing each other’s clothes.    Sticky for being the recipient of ananatomically correct marital aid (who knew they made them this big?).    Stingray for not bringing crisps (this from a Frenchman).    Dram should have been given one, but wasn’t for pretending that well-known Hong Kong birdwatcher and man about town Martin the Bird had been seen lurking in the trees, emulating the mating call of the Yorkshire Dodo.

Postscript: I can’t speak to the experience of others. Golden Balls, (joined by Farty Pants and Gunpowder Plod, the latter returning early to share his hot mulled wine only with The Hares – Ed) it was rumoured, had chosen to cross the road to explore the coast in search of beer and women of questionable moral standing. They found only Liberace:

Image result for hong kong gay bar

Most had wandered aimlessly about the forest, forlornly looking for markings. It’s said some are still there, condemned to walk the trails for eternity, their plaintive cries of ‘are you?’ lost to the susurrating trees……

Run No 1962 – 19 February 2020 – 69’s 62 YOB Run

Image result for 1962  pics

The Location: Upper Shing Mun Reservoir BBQ Pits

The Hare: Luk Sap Gow @ 69

Image result for 69  picsRoute 69

Image result for Root 69  picsRoot 69

It’s all in the spelling…

The Scribe: Velcro Lips

 

The Pack: Velcro Lips, Stuntdouble, Hoover, Eunuch, Liberace, QT, Back to the Future, Bunter, Creme Brulee, Farty Pants, Walky Talky, Gaelle Says No, Geriatric, Golden Balls, Golden Jelly, Oranguwank, Salesman, Serbian Bomber, Stingray and Radio One.

The Preamble: 
There will be sausages and a fire. We were promised sausages which ensured a good turnout for the hare’s YOB run. We were told not to park where the hare’s car was parked as it was,”nonsense parking”. Uh oh, that sounds ominous.

Driving from Sai Kung to the run we came through the Shing Mun Tunnel, took the wrong turning, went back through the tunnel to Tai Wai, then around the narrow streets of Tai Wai to get back onto the Shing Mun Tunnel again . Eventually having paid many dollars worth of tunnel fees, we found the correct exit and headed up the hill to the Shing Mun Reservoir BBQ pits (Why am I not surprised? – Ed)

After figuring out the parking the pack assembled in the BBQ. There was a great
turnout obviously enticed by the promise of sausages. Nice to see Stuntdouble and Hoover on their first N2TH3 hash for a very long time.

The Run:
We were promised a nice flattish run with no shiggy. The pack set off and the confusion
began at the next BBQ area, which had what looked like a check, but was a N2TH3 start
marking crossed out—-obviously the hare had changed his mind at the last minute. On on was found and the pack were kept together for the first part of the run.

After a lot of climbing up there were distant calls of ,”Are you? Are you?”—Liberace of course running around like a headless chicken at checks. The rambos split off to face another steep climb, whilst the wimps had a nice run up and down back to the BBQ pits.

The Finish: Back at the finish all runners came back within a short period of time of each other —apart from Eunuch who disappeared off to take his car home, as his car had had problems on the steep hill ,when he arrived at the run. (Luk Dim Bun II? – Ed)

A fun circle was run by the GM QT and then it was sausage time! Many thanks to the hare for providing these for the pack. Runners sat around the BBQ pit drinking beer and red wine for quite a while after the circle finished, enjoying a good chat.

Poncescript: Ponce of Darkness decided he would do the run the next day ——but I think the monkeys had enjoyed the flour markings too much and he didn’t follow the trail.

This is the hare’s map of the run Blue is wimps and red is rambos –just under 8km:

Awaiting original from Hare – Ed

 

Run No 1960 – 5 February 2020 – The Liberated Jelly Year of Birth Run

Image result for liberated jelly pics
Your Scribe: Radio One
Version One – Original (Radio One claims the Editor told her that doing the report in Chinese was OK):
1960 YOB Run, 
Hare Liberace, SP Golden Jelly 
雙魚河畔消失的墳墓
晚上7:30pm, 一聲on on 在天橋旁邊轉右直行,一開始Velcro同GB 便帶出, 我越過他們後到路口見{C}, 我跑遠了折回只見GB,GJ 在步行,再往前走入到邨口,見到69,Geri,Velcro 之後便跟上Creambruli 及Eunich 沿著河道看著深圳方向跑,遇見OEJ他指我們過河,沿著深圳輸港水管旁的Shiggy 跑,這𥚃完全看不到Marking 只在走到石屎地才看到’㐃’, 再向前跑便轉入河邊Shiggy , 但其實旁邊便是行人路,真無聊便爬過籬笆再往前跑便是{on home}了, 返到終點有趣的是Liberace 問我點解咁快返到唔駛30分鐘,我話好短啊,他說你們在墳場不會好難找咩?無經過墳場喎😳!我問過所有其後回來的Hasher 包括Prince of darkness, GB都沒有經過墳場, Liberace where is the graveyard!
Hares 預備了豐富的食物,有村民路過也加入了Circle!
Version Two (as translated and drafted  by former Editor and Webshite, Golden Balls):

1960 YOB Run,

Hare Liberace, SP Golden Jelly

Vanishing Grave on Pisces

Image result for fish gravestone

At 7.30pm, it was turn right next to the Tsung Pak Long pagoda past the overpass and go straight.

Velcro Lips and Golden Balls were taken out at the beginning. (Jesus! That’s a bit extreme; who offed them? – Ed)

I crossed the road and saw a “C” at the intersection. I ran straight on but it was wrong so I returned to the check. GB and Golden Jelly were walking. (So only poor VL was offed then…- Ed)

I went into the village entrance and saw Luk Sup Gow, Geriatric, Velcro, and then followed Crème Brulee and Eunuch (Anyone else confused? – Ed), running along the riverside and watching Shenzhen. When we met One Eyed Jack, he pointed us to cross the river and we ran along shiggy next to the Shenzhen water pipeline.

𥚃 I can’t see marking. I only saw “㐃” when I was on the concrete. I ran forward and turned into shiggy, but in fact there was a sidewalk next to it. I was bored, (Your readers are not bored; this is good stuff. Keep it coming – Ed).

Image result for Vanishing Grave on Pisces

I climbed the fence and ran forward. It’s “on home”. Well it’s interesting to return to the finish line quickly after 30 minutes. Liberace asked me some solutions. No passing through the cemetery! I asked all the hashers who came back later, including Ponce Of Darkness and GB. They did not pass through the cemetery either. Liberace, where is the graveyard??!!

Image result for vanished graveyard pics

Golden Jelly prepared a wealth of food, and villager Mr Kok passed by and joined the circle! (I trust he paid Hash Cash – Ed)

Editor’s Comment: That’s it folks:-( Radio One’s run report almost as short as her run! So, for your delectation and to commemorate the Mountin’ Sheep Hash House Harriers 50th Anniversary this month, I give you:

Version Three in Welsh:

Bedd diflannu ar Pisces
 
Am 7:30 yn y nos, trowch ymlaen i’r dde wrth ymyl y ffordd osgoi a mynd yn syth. Tynnwyd Velcro a GB allan ar y dechrau. Croesais y ffordd a gwelais {C} ar y groesffordd. Cerddais i mewn i fynedfa’r pentref, gwelais 69, Geri, Velcro, ac yna dilyn Creambruli ac Eunich, gan redeg ar hyd yr afon a gwylio Shenzhen. Pan wnaethon ni gwrdd ag OEJ, fe wnaeth ein pwyntio i groesi’r afon a rhedeg ar hyd Shiggy wrth ymyl piblinell ddŵr Shenzhen. 𥚃 Nid wyf yn gweld Marcio. Dim ond pan gerddais i’r concrit y gwelais i ‘㐃’. Rhedais ymlaen a throi’n Shiggy, ond mewn gwirionedd roedd palmant wrth ei ymyl. Roeddwn i wedi diflasu, dringais y ffens a rhedeg ymlaen Mae’n gartref, ac mae’n ddiddorol dychwelyd i’r llinell derfyn. Gofynnodd Liberace imi am rai atebion. Dychwelwch yn gyflym i 唔 gyrru am 30 munud. Mae fy ngeiriau’n fyr. Dim pasio trwy’r fynwent! Gofynnais i’r holl Haswyr a ddaeth yn ôl yn ddiweddarach, gan gynnwys Tywysog y tywyllwch, na aeth Prydain Fawr trwy’r fynwent, Liberace ble mae’r fynwent!
 
Paratôdd ysgyfarnogod gyfoeth o fwyd, ac aeth rhai pentrefwyr heibio ac ymuno â’r Cylch!
Image result for welsh sheep shagger pics

Run No 1959 and The Saturday Run No 25 – 1 February 2020 – The Brexit Run

Image result for brexit pics"The Location: Villa No 2, Tit Hang – Chez Jelly-Balls

The Hares: Golden Balls with Golden JellyWhatsApp Image 2019-08-07 at 22.29.28

The Pack: GM QT, Vibrator, Gunpowder Plod, Liberace, Stuntdouble, Hoover, Farty Pants, Walky Talky, Velcro Lips, G-Spot, Eunuch, Auntieseptic, Piss in Bucket, Immaculate Conception, Ruthy, Luk Sap Gow, Beer Tits, MSG, Cathy, Moonie, Tangerine Dream, Radio One, Back to the Future, Salesman, Catch of the Day, Penile Dementia, Ponce of Darkness and Anus the Horrible.

The Scribe: Vibrator – originally named:Image result for nose vibrator pics"

The Approach: The first challenge of the day was to find Golden Balls and Golden Jelly’s place, well hidden in his village of Tit Hang . Thanks to a lift from Gunpowder Plod I didn’t have to find it myself. Golden Balls takes the first ‘N’ in N2TH3 to extremes. I think the next village north is in China proper. A few cars arrived just before we were off to have a good turnout.Back to the Future in full biohazard gear leaves the Tit Hang WuFlu Quarantine Center

The Run: The run started through the vegetable patches close to the house. Golden Balls found his old running speed and must have kept sprinting ahead of the pack to pop up at every corner to take photos.Salesman overtakes the toddlers

 

The first part of the run was flat and easy terrain. This didn’t stop QT tripping 3 times inside 30m. Luckily, when he fell flat on his face he had a soft landing and fell in the manure. His record for the day was 8 crashes on trail plus 1 at the BBQ.Image result for cutie in mud pics"

The hill continued up and along the ridge with great views of Shenzhen. Luckily the fresh breeze wasn’t Northerly and blowing in any airborne WuFlu. Moonie, after starting late, came charging through the pack taking the uphill and downhill like a Chamois. Only Golden Balls beat him down in time to take more photos. On-On to the Rambo split.Radio One tuned in…

 

The Rambo started with a rather steep and challenging burned-out slope. Golden Balls later admitted that he was far too scared to climb that slope and left Golden Jelly to set trail alone. Moonie and Liberace were the first up. Libs uncharacteristically went the wrong way at the check on the top. This left Moonie to chase down the other side and on-home shouting ‘On-On’, while the rest of the pack were still floundering going up.

Coming off the hill I met Eunuch coming up the wrong way having missed the well-marked split. This obviously wasn’t his fault as he blamed his Piss in Bucket, Immaculate Coception and Ruthy for leading him astray.

A great run; no concrete, not too long yet quite challenging with great views. And a couple had some sneaky Sex on the Hash:

0f9052ef-2823-4c5e-b92f-15764ac080f6The RA may have re-name these two following the oblivious Back to the Future up Humping Hill!

On-On: to Golden Balls and Golden Jelly’s Bash with greet food and plenty of booze and a Circle run by GM QT:

 

img-2915“Why you don’t like my Brexit Soup?”

Photos: Golden Balls, Walky Talky, Gunpowder Plod, Salesman

Run No 1958 – 29 January 2020 – Shiver Me Timbers!

The Location: Ma On Shan Promenade

The Hare: Velcropolips

No photo description available.

The Pack: Honorable GM QT, Bunter, Crème Brulee,  Geriatric, Golden Balls,  Golden Jelly, Liberace, Ponce of Darkness, Radio One, Back to the Future, Jambe Moins for one night only

The Scribe: Oneyejack

Shiver me timbers” (or “shiver my timbers” in Standard English) is an exclamation in the form of a mock oath usually attributed to the speech of pirates in works of fiction. It is employed as a literary device by authors to express shock, surprise or annoyance.

It was cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey.

The expression: “It is cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey” comes from the practice of putting iron cannon balls on a dimpled brass plate on the deck of a war-ship. When very cold the brass contracted sufficiently to cause the iron balls to fall out.

First time back and I get given the pencil!

Image result for pencil butt plug cartoon

The Trail: 

For those that need to know, based on discussions with the pack and hare, it went as follows:

Round the new cycle track away from the sea front, under the highway into Chevalier Gardens. That is if you are not Bunter, Back to the Future, Golden Jelly and Golden Balls, who didn’t listen to the hares briefing correctly, who all decided to run towards Shatin.

Then after scaring the natives, who were walking around with their masks on, the trail went up the side of a nullah and then uphill, eventually reaching the Rambo Wimps split. The Wimps went down left across the stream and left onto the road, the Rambos went further up hill before also coming down crossing the river at the water works and joining the same road. Both groups then shuffled down the road, through the subway and round the back of Kam Tai Court.

Everyone got a Down Down, some more that others. Started with a few bangs, as corks popped off the chilled bottles of bubbly donated by BTTF. Everyone got awarded a unique distinct cup that they retained for the duration of the circle. 

On On to the next Saturday Run at Tit Hang this week (see Next Run)

Run No 1957 22 January 2020 – The Fo Tan Novela (30 Minute Read – Ed)

Location: Shan Mei Street Playground, Fo Tan

Image result for dark basketball pitch pics

Hare: G-Spot

Image result for g-spot cartoon

The Pack: Radio One, Stingray, Eunuch, Golden Balls, Golden Jelly, Liberace, Back to the Future, Gunpowder Plod, Crème Brûlée, Penile Dementia, Prince of Darkness*

Virgin Scribe: The Ponce of Darkness – formerly known as:

Image result for prince of darkness cartoon

Post-Run: My senses come to a hurtling halt. Who am I? Where am I? This body that I have found myself in aches and the adrenalin is pumping.  Why am I here? Where have I just come from? And who does this body belong to?

This body fits me perfectly but it is NOT mine! I see what he sees. I feel what he feels.  I am aware of my host but he is unaware of my presence. My host enters into a dark and dingy playground….

The playground is surrounded by tall industrial buildings. I read the sign “Shan Mei Street Basketball Court”.  Inside the playground I begin to make out the presence of silhouettes in the darkness. We are not alone!

People begin to step out of the shadows; I can tell that they are athletes. Not by their body shape but their clothing. They are wearing trainers that have seen better days, They are wearing shorts along with jerseys of important sporting events. Probably events that they have participated in.  They notice my host entering into the playground and inquire animatedly:  What took you so long? Did you get lost?

The cacophony continues as my host is handed a chilled can of beer. A beer will sort you out” a firm voice states. I can sense my host is happy to see these sporty individuals.  Each athlete addresses each other with weird and wonderful names, such as;, Radio One, Stingray, Eunuch, Golden Balls, Golden Jelly, Liberace, Back to the Future, Gunpowder Plod, Crème Brûlée, Penile Dementia and the like!  A circle forms and a kind of ceremony begins .Am I in some kind strange ritualistic occult?  What’s going on here?

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The Circle: A portly gentleman addresses the members, “Prince of Darkness, into the circle.” He beckons my host to the centre. “Who me?” He replies in surprise.  My host hesitantly enters into the circle. From the banter I can tell that the portly gentleman is named Golden Balls. Golden Balls whips out a familiar phallic looking item as if he were a magician performing in a show. On closer inspection I can tell that the object in Golden Balls grasp is an oversized wooden pencil with a fake lead tip. GB hands it to my host.. “Prince of Darkness you are to write about tonight’s run”.  I can tell my host is petrified of the thought. He doubts he has the ability to write. I feel his panic. We need to collect our thoughts … Run! What run?

A Flashback: I have a flashback! Before I entered my host body, I felt nothing and saw nothing. It was pitch black, a floating nothingness. I prefer to be in the warmth of a host body than to be airborne.I have been in many bodies over the centuries.  More recently I have been hosted by snakes, camels and bats to name just a few. There is not a body that will not do if I am accepted.  I enter them uninvited and stay in them as I please. I can use them for mobility.

Mind you most animals are predictable but my preferred creatures are humans.  They are so diverse, so complex. They are the most insane of all the animal kingdom.  But, the human species do have minds of their own and I also love to play around with their sanity. Furthermore, the human race have a great capacity for ingenuity, so with a little direction from moi,  I can commandeer their bodies and direct their madness to create truly wonderful things. And the thing I treasure the most about humanity is its CULTURE! It is also my favourite word in any of their numerous languages; CULTURE! 

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With this culture they create language and art in many various shapes and forms, they use their culture to nurture their young and share with others. They build marvelous cathedrals, amazing machines. They share their thoughts through the airwaves and more recently along fibre optics. This species are shooting into space towards the stars. But sometimes I find myself in spaces without a body to influence. It can be a lonesome helpless place. A void I prefer to avoid.

The Run: Tonight I entered my host with a big bang. It was just a few hours earlier. At first I was disorientated, as I am with all new bodies. I scanned with my new hosts eyes and tried to orientate myself.  We were running alongside the industrial building on Shan Mei Street heading West with a convoy of runners from the New Territories Hash Harriers. This I deduced from the sports kit that they wore. They were searching for the markings set by the hare who goes by the name of G-Spot. My host wanted to keep up with them but I wanted to venture elsewhere. I knew the Hashers were heading for the hills above Fo Tan. Naturally I thrive in filthy crowded cities, so the last place I want to be is in the healthy countryside.

Anyway Golden Balls ran with my host along San Chuk Street. It was therefore hard to mislead my host in going in any other direction. We left behind the Fo Tan industrial zone and very quickly found the trail towards Kwei Tei San Chuen. The road ended abruptly and a wonky concrete path took over.  However, we had not been on the path for very long before Golden Balls announced that he had some kind of appointment to take care of. He swiftly took a detour and headed down towards the new estate.

I tried once again to give urges for my host to return to the city too but my host could hear the calls of the other hashers who were snaking through the village some distance further ahead.  My host was too determined so soon gave up with my attempts to divert him. It was safer not to.

As the path took a steeper incline the village homes became fewer and far between. Many of these were abandoned and sat derelict in the hillsides.My host entered a track that weaved through the bushes, the Hash House Harriers calls were barely audible across the valley as the gap widened.  The signs for the trail changed from arrows marked in chalk to splotches of chalk powder that looked more like dumped cocaine. My host Prince of Darkness entered the shiggy. This part of the trail was marked by dangling unused toilet paper. Not that I cared any less if the bog roll was used or not. PoD kept his distance just in case.

My host is boiling; why was he so hot?  I summoned his eyes to look down at his own appearance.  Good job I had! His laces were undone! My host stopped to tie them up. SHOES! He was wearing walking shoes. What stupid fucker wears walking shoes on a mountain hike? He was also not wearing sports clothes but regular clothing with brown denim jeans.  Is this fucker trying to sweat me out? Who fucking runs through a jungle with a thick clothing!? Twat! He had trouble tying them.  What is he, a retard?  I shrieked! Did I yell an expletive into his consciousness? I stopped cursing and calmed down. I felt faint so I simply observed my host’s running strategy.  The sound of the trail being called by the other runners had long disappeared but was now replaced with the sound of my sweaty host’s wheezing.

We reached the top of the valley and headed due southwest along the flat, my host broke into a sprint but he ran into a hidden branch which jousted for space on the narrow passage, knocking him off the trail.  He was on the edge of a sheer drop with his feet dug into the exposed roots. He managed to scramble up before losing his footing.The sound of the trail being called by the other runners disappeared to the sound of my sweaty host’s wheezing.

Next my host came across a stream with boulders. This part my host refered to as the Leaping Gorge and it was then that the Prince of Darkness’ jeans took a mighty big rip in the crutch. Heat poured out from his boxers as his bollocks cooled down.

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No time to survey the damage; PoD hurried along a concreted road through the country park leading down a winding valley back towards Kwei Tei San Chuen.  Eventually my host was heading back to the playground but before my host could reach the finish line a familiar face gleamed out from a dining table at the local Tai Pan Dong restaurant. Andrew and Co from the dragon boat team accosted my host.  They forced him to sit and drink beer making me and my host very giddy before we managed to escape.

Run! What run? Oh! That run.  It was good…..

Back at the Circle: Crème Brûlée, Penile Dementia, Radio One, Stingray, Eunuch,  Liberace and Back to the Future had all got back safely. Golden Jelly and Gunpowder Plod never left. Then it was discovered that Golden Balls’ important detour was in fact to drink with Andrew of the Dragon Boat team 5 minutes from the playground!. Back to the Future also had had a mishap and she share her experience: she had an injured cheek which she nursed.

Gunpowder Plod was awarded the celestial bread maker.  Many of the patrons entered the circle to receive their jovial ribbing. Dozens of beers were either consumed, spat out or poured away. Golden Balls then recited a time he had a very unfortunate accident where his mouth was ripped open during a nasty prat fall requiring surgery. GB continued to fondly reminisce about being temporarily renamed “Cunt Face” He was in stitches, both then and now! 

The Re-naming: The circle came to an end and the proceedings finalized but suddenly it was suggested that my host was actually a pimp. The circle became reopened unilaterally wherein Prince of Darkness was doused unceremoniously with cheap beer as the instigator bellowed, “PoD, we now rename you the Ponce of Darkness” to the great amusement of the others, especially Radio One and G-Spot.  

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PoD remonstrated that he had never consorted with prostitutes let alone solicited their services. He reminded them that he was happily married. With fond farewells everyone then departed on their merry way.

The Journey Home: My host smelled like a stinky piss-head which aroused the nostrils of of fellow commuters on his long journey home on public transport. For me I couldn’t care less; the shame was for my host not me but my host still held his head high.

The Revelation: Curious readers (who have got this far – Ed) may by now be wondering about my true identity. Let me tell you that my great ancestors gave you consciousness when we invaded your body.  It is where your great power and ingenuity came from.  You may call me a king because I wear a crown all around my body.  You do not have to fear me that isn’t important but you need to respect me at all times. 

My name is Corona.  You are born to run, so run for your life and savour every moment!

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Run No 1956 – Prancing in the Park (and Dogging in the Dark!)

Scribe: Golden Balls

Hare: Liberace

Location: Central Kwai Chung Park

Central Kwai Chung Park

The Pack: Penile Dementia, Bunter, Geriatric, Eunuch, QT, Golden Balls, Golden Jelly, Back To The Future, Velcro Lips

Year Of Birth (YOB) Intro: 1956 was a great year for the birth of sporting greats, producing Sebastian Coe, Sugar Ray Leonard, Bjorn Borg and Martina Navratilova.In music, Johnny “Rotten” Lydon emerged bug-eyed with a rage that never subsided, and Ravi Shankar first saw the light. Chef Alain Ducasse and food maverick Anthony Bourdain had their first taste of the world, and acting greats Tom Hanks in America and Lesley Cheung in Hong Kong emerged onto the stage. In politics, Hong Kong had its first serious set of riots, with police, nationalists and communists going at each other – 59 people were killed – while in UK who could have known that tiny Theresa would be such a lame duck PM in 2019. Some of the future celebs emerging from the womb were not really there: David Copperfield, Homer Simpson and the phantom of the lift, Kenny G. And then of course there were the hashers: One Eyed Jack, Overdue, Golden Balls and Radio 1 *

The Run: Only one of this esteemed quartet * made it to Liberace’s run at a Kwai Chung Central Park. Confusingly, Liberace has the same name as the Hong Kong actor named above, but was not born in 1956. He was a last-minute hare when Stingray pulled out, but if anybody was expecting an easy jaunt (an expectation reinforced by the hare’s briefing, which promised no shiggy and “the shortest run I ever set”), they were wrong.

The small pack (Penile Dementia, Bunter, Geriatric, Eunuch, QT, Golden Balls, Golden Jelly, Back To The Future, Velcro Lips) set off upwards through the park and immediately into a steep, rough shiggy section that did not bode well for the veracity of the hare’s briefing. Once out of the park there was a Castle Peak Road section heading back down towards Kwai Chung, losing all the height just gained. I saw QT on the other side of the road gamely plodding up the hill but when I crossed the pedestrian flyover at the bottom of the road I perceived trail heading into Kam Shan Country Park – and QT appeared again, this time running back down Castle Peak Road in a plausible impersonation of the grand old Duke of York.

Meanwhile Bunter and Geriatric sensibly decided to create their own wimps trail. They must have known what to expect.

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So, on up steps and more steps. Then up a rising ledge cut into an almost vertical slope following a narrow culvert which, despite there being a rusty, broken wire fence between the narrow passage and the increasing drop to a concrete splat – as well as a frayed fixed rope – could not dispel feelings of vertigo. I started to fall well behind the pack, although I could still hear them.

Finally getting away from the drop, I was looking forward to something a bit easier. But trail carried on up water authority steps, up a rusty metal staircase that looked like it could way at any time, through a short, flattish agricultural section and then onto more steps. These steps just never stopped. Every time you thought you’d reached a plateau it was a false one and the relentless steepness continued. In fact, it got steeper the higher you went. At least there was no drop at the side.Image result for steps picsFinally cresting to a walkers’ garden, I realised we’d actually climbed Golden Hill, 369 metres, with probably 300m on steps. There was a brief trail along the ridge – the only nice part of the run – before a left turn took us back down towards Kwai Chung on another staircase. Now these steps, unlike the engineered concrete ones that started above the ropy bit of the ascent, were carved into gravelly soil and reinforced with planks inserted edgeways into the ground. All well and good, but in most cases the plank protruded above the lip of the step, making it easy to trip – especially because the descent was so steep and the steps so narrow that those with long, size 49 feet (like me) had to do the entire thing with feet planted sideways. A particularly steep section reduced me to going down with one hand on the step lip two or three steps higher than where my feet were. (Penile Dementia also admitted after the run to descending with shaking legs.)

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Well all of this took a bit of time but at least Golden Jelly was with me. But as we approached the blessed lights of Kwai Chung I heard a strangled noise behind. A sort of stentorian yap that eventually resolved itself into the voice of Serbian Bomber, who bombed past us as we emerged into the lights of Kwai Chung. On on!

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Back at the finish it emerged Golden Jelly and I had been out for two hours on this “shortest run I ever set”.

THE circle: GM QT ran the circle, notable for the more than $1,000 donated by the few hashers present for the Australian bush fire crisis. Who said we don’t do charity?

Ed’s Comment: The Golden Couple probably took the opportunity to visit nearby Smugglers’ Ridge for a spot of dogging hence their extended 2 hour “run”.

Run No 1955 – 8 January 2020 – Banter, Bunter; Qui s’en fout?

Le Location: Tai Po Cooked Food Market

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Le ‘are: Bunter

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Le Pack: GM QT, Creme Brulee, Golden Balls, Gaelle Says No, Liberace, Stingray, Eunuch, Back to the Future, Radio One, Catch of the Day, Ponce of Darkness (and many more I’m sure but apparently they were forgetable – Ed)

Le Preamble: First time we met, the hare was named Q… but I’ve never heard this name again, ever. Instead everybody else call him Banter. At least I thought. Until very recently my ear received a snap in the cold:

“How do you call him?! It is BUnter, not BAnter! Can’t you hear the difference! prick!”

Well, in fact, I still can’t make the difference between anger and hunger. So if you invite me for lunch I might transformed into the Hulk. Anyway, what bunter does mean?….

From Word Finder:

“The name “Bunter” derives from the German term ” Buntsandstein”, “bunt” meaning “variegated”, referring to the colour of the sandstone deposit, which varies from reddish to greenish. It can be found in Warwickshire, Cheshire, Staffordshire, Nottinghamshire, Yorkshire, Devon and Dorset in England.” ……… ……. Some British humour I guess…..

But where does that take us:

To the garden terrasse of Tai Po Wet Market where BUnter set his run, number 1955, exactly where we had a colourful and joyful AGM just a few weeks ago. (Months! – Ed) Excellent idea, it is early January, night can chill. Certainly a good OnOn is in the box. And so a nice 20 something bunch of avid hashers gather, ready to circle the table.

Le Courir: Off we go, down the staircase , turn right, cross the car park access and Check!…

Straight or right. I follow Gaelle Says No right . He’s already 200m away when the call comes for the other way. I don’t even have time to cover the 20m away from the check that GSN flash past me.

Cross the railway bridge to stumble on another check. GM QT is standing on top of it, watching the wandering , ready like a shepherd to gather his life stock (sic) in the right direction. Once done, he’s running with speed and authority toward the next check, overtake me in the process, followed by GSN who zoom pass him.

The trail now takes us up the steep road leading to the back of Tai Po shaggy town (has Creme Brulee discovered a previously unknown lantern rouge quartier? – Ed) and linking with Ma Wo Rd end. The pack is panting while going up and GSN is passing everybody , pacing himself with a morning warmup jog footing. (Does that make sens at all?) (Was Charles de Gaulle an Anglophile? – Ed)

After a couple more check where invariably the GM is standing to make sure everybody is taking the right direction and GSN is overtaking everybody, we zap Classical Garden (Egh? – Ed) and cross the tunnel under the highway. Can’t resist to shout TRAIL! for the echo.

Turn left, go along the highway for a while. No need to shout TRAIL! here. Nobody can’t hear. Then slight right on crumbling stairs to go up the hill.

At the end of the stairs, on the right , there is an abandoned house with a large, flat, man made area overlooking the valley. If it was in the Ardennes in Belgium, it would be a perfect setting for an Auberge serving gallons of beer, fries or Home made meat balls.

But Liberace, Eunuch and GSN don’t care about balls and they follow the trail left to reach the stream. I’m about 50m behind. No much water after such a long dry season and the trail is jumping from one shore to another among the rocks. Need steady feet. How can Catch of the Day goes through this with her crutches?

Meanwhile Liberace is regularly announcing TWEL! Eunuch is chitchatting like a Virgin Twat with GSN who keeps the conversation alive with : “Sure….. Yes….Oh, I see….. hmhmm…… Sure…… Yes……. Really!?….. Oh, I see….” And then after 500m of this.

Liberace: There’s no marking! We have to go back.!

Moi: What do you mean, no marking? What about all these arrows?

Liberace: I put the arrows! We have to go back!

Somehow these three musketeers go back down the stream, Liberace screaming R U ?! I’m just staying there, pondering different option when GM QT shows up:

QT: It’s up! There is marking.!

Moi: Liberace’s marking.

QT: No. Not him. Flours marking. And to point a sprinkle of flours on the other side of the stream.

And so going up again, trusting QT who seams to know better. But really no marking at all except a Kowloon Hash arrow showing the way down. “That’s very strange” comments QT, “there should be some marking here.” Anyway it’s up. And finally we reach the Wilson Trail but nothing to tell us right or left:

QT: Oh for fuck sake ! Someone erased the marking! There was a check there and the trail is going right. I marked it! Explains QT, son of Bunter. The pack has now regrouped at this point and most of us are going right.

But Liberace: I’m not going right . It’s concrete all the way.

And while the pack is following the GM’s light right, Liberace goes dark left. And howls after 20m: RU????!!!!

Caught by surprise, Radio One grabs Stingray’s arm: -Is it a wolf ?!

Stingray: No …. I think it’s Liberace

Radio One: You sure?

Anyway we won’t see or hear of Liberace anymore and we follow the Wilson Trail all the way, pass the smelly kennel, go down one of the steepest road in the world ( looking forward to the next ice age for a bit of fun here) while Stingray is reading the marking on the floor: Slow Down…. Give Way….. Look Left….. All the way down to Kam Shan Rd where a On Home greets us. With no further marking. Some knew their way. Some got lost like Golden Balls and Back to the Future  who end up at the King Belly…., some took a cab (COTD…).

And with 7 check to solve, GSN overtook me 7 time.

The Prince of Darkness managed to find his way alone in the dark but he was so Lantern Rouge that we had to start the circle without him and anyway we missed the deadline for the onon.

Post-Amble: Prince of Darkness, now that you are Ponce of Darkness, take a fucking torch with you!

Florent@Creme Brulee