Report to come (Eunuch)
Report to come (Eunuch)
Report to come (Creme Brulee)
Hare Green Head Penis
Runners Golden Balls, Liberace, Golden Jelly, Gaelle Says No, One Eyed Jack, Creme Brulee, Stingray, Canoe Shagger, Dingaling
Non-runner Catch Of The Day
In desperate need of relief, I made a dash for the toilet block at Tai Tong just as Dingaling called the briefing for the run, which started at the car park pagoda just outside the Tai Tong management centre. This delayed me several minutes, only to find when I climbed the slope back up to the pagoda that the pack had departed that very way five minutes earlier. Angst was exacerbated by being unable to find my headlamp, which I’d put out handy ready to run, and which was eventually found hidden under my bag (after I’d laboriously unpacked and repacked its contents. Very witty, whoever came up with that little jape. Then of course my shoes needed relacing. Why wouldn’t they? How about a police interrogation or a lightning strike while we’re at it.
Thus it was I set off 10 minutes after the pack. And have no stories of the run except that Radio 1 took a tumble and grazed her hands. And that trail went down the road, over a barrier and into shiggy, sparingly marked by Dingaling’s trademark shredded paper, on a slippery path on which I ended up on my arse. On emerging at the bottom, I followed arrows into the amusement park type place, with hoardings that seemed to promise dinosaurs, then over a bridge to a beautiful trail leading back up into Tai Lam Country Park.
I ghosted eerily yet easily through the paperbark forest and along a sandy track that wound ever upwards into the dark green black. The ridge resolved itself above me, and then came the unmistakable “Are you?” of Serbian Bomber, and a couple of torch beams showed themselves on the ridge. They’re only five minutes ahead, thought I. Then, I can catch them because they are poofs.
When the ridge was gained – next to a sort of wayfarer Buddhist shrine – so focussed was I on catching the back-markers that I completely failed to notice the marked check to one side, my torch beam instead picking out the sign that indicated the one apparent way to go: down towards the reservoir. So down I went, stopping after a couple of hundred paces when it became apparent there was no trail at all. I trudged back up to the ridge, cursing. Two minutes lost. Then I saw the check. DICKHEAD!!!
I kind of “knew” that it was road all the way to the finish with no possibility of a short cut, so abandoned all attempts to catch anybody and jogged along at a nice comfy pace, enjoying the cool night. A couple of cyclists whirred by. Then a runner approached. It was Gaelle Says No, who deemed the 5.5km trail too short and was doing it in reverse as a light jog before the mountain marathon on Sunday.
So another red lantern for me, a really pleasant trail from the hare, and good craic in the circle, as always. On on – Golden Balls
Runners Green Head Penis, Liberace, Gaelle Says No, Golden Jelly, Back To The Future, Serbian Bomber, One Eyed Jack, Creme Brulee, Radio 1, Golden Balls, others?
Irish navvies building the railways and canals of Britain were known for doing backbreaking labour in their suits. Some would buy a new suit every pay day and immediately wear it to the site. What’s this got to do with the hash? One hasher took a leaf out of the navvy book and did Geriatric’s run at Tai Po Kau Forest in her business suit. No Rough Stuff, who works for a law firm – and thus has to be well turned out at the office – turned up too late to change, so ran in her suit and blouse, her one sop to proprietry being to change into running shoes. Yet despite the irreverence, the sheer insurrection of this madness, she’s still one rung down on the crazy ladder from Salesman, who years ago turned up for a run without his kit and ran in his suit and also in his shiny leather Oxfords. Legends. May we all aspire to subversive duds – in fact here’s an idea, an annual night run in a business suit! Discuss.
Having just been for a jab and been told I shouldn’t run, I slummed it with hare Geriatric while the hashers jollied their way around Tai Po Kau Forest. As such I have no idea what happened, beyond the fact that a bunch of them went the wrong way at one point, but all made it back for an entertaining circle at the newly built pagoda. – Golden Balls
Runners Velcro Lips, Dram, Liberace, Penile Dementia, Radio 1, Back To The Future, Serbian Bomber, Creme Brulee, One Eyed Jack, Green Head Penis, Dingaling, No Rough Stuff
Non runners Golden Balls, Golden Jelly
Report to come (Dingaling)
Hares Velcro Lips, Dram
Runners Liberace, Stingray, Catch Of The Day, Green Head Penis, Creme Brulee, Gaelle Says No, Luk Sup Gow, Fartypants, Walky Talky, Dingaling, Geriatric, One Eyed Jack, T Bird
Non-runner Golden Balls
Having been sternly warned of the early start (2pm) and the perils of navigating and village parking in the light of the traditional burning of the Wishing Tree ceremony, Moah offered to drop me off at Hong Lok Yuen, so as not to get stuck in a jam, but walk to Luk Sup Gow’s new place. As we approached the HLY Roundabout, I said, “Go ahead, it’s clear, never mind the rozzers!” “Too late,” said she, turning left beforehand, and I had to hike about 20 minutes uphill in otherwise beautifully hot sunshine. I passed by the police and tree-mongs, and picked up trail opposite Leafy Glade, snaking through the village when all at once I saw a crowd, a host of golden Filipinas, beside the meadow beneath the trees, chattering and drinking in the breeze.
It was LSG’s new authentic village crib, and I entered the patio, noting the great pastoral view. “Hello!” said I. “You’re late,” said they, “the runners left 15 minutes ago.” I slung my bag, and presented a Chinese calendar to our host, Beer Tits, as she appeared at the house doorway, who was looking a bit porky. “You’re looking a bit fat,” said I. “I’m pregnant, 18 weeks,” said she. The what was suddenly inside my head talked out, committing a second faux pas – “It’s not mine! ….(pregnant pause)….Er, here’s a calendar from Moah.” Then the music and talking was in my head:
And you may find yourself
Living in a Lam Tsuen shack
And you may find yourself
In another part of the world
And you may find yourself
Behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house
With a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, well
How did I get here?
So, Luk Sup Gow, how did you get here?
Looking south to the Lam Tsuen ridge running to Lin Au, I could hear no calls, so set off in hard pursuit. Down the winding path, to the start of a wooded, shiggy trail, with a steep drop left to a stream. Then I heard calls and looked up to the ridgeline yonder. Front running bastards Gaelle Says No, and maybe Dingaling, were eastward bound on the contour path. I figured that’s 15 minutes ahead, so tried to pick up the pace. Then, immediately, what with all the CNY partying, and forced route march to the start, my pulse went off the scale and forced me to go at Spanish donkey pace.
Trail was technical and well marked, with mud and blood. I wandered lonely as a cloud, that floats on high o’er vales and hills, beside the stream, beneath the trees. Into the blue again, in to the silent water, under the rocks and stones, there is water underground, and as I neared the ridge summit path, my racing pulse decided to have a time out, and I was better able to appreciate momentary scenes of beautiful and rugged nature flash upon that inward eye, which is the bliss of solitude; and then my heart with pleasure fills. In other words, it was a good trail, pretty in parts.
Along the ridge. Then some down stuff, grabbing twigs and branches. Then onto the rambos, through the ancient valley and meadow on the south side of the ridge, then up the hill at the end, over, down, through the villages and back to the buckets. Knackered.
The party was already in swing even before an extended circle. A big turnount from eminent, hard drinking hashers on good form such as Stingray, Crème Brûlée, Gaelle SN and Canuck mate Mr Titties, Golden Balls, Fartypants, Victim, Stunt Double, Dram, Geriatric, others I can’t recall because they weren’t being bad enough, and of course all the hash ladies, including the one who sawed her foot off and reattached it just for the challenge, Catch of the Day, who was very well-behaved that glorious afternoon and sunset, despite wearing a special Chinese festival hat. Much later some young buck turned up, forgot his name [Green Head Penis], but a newbie FRB who had managed, despite uncharacteristically good markings, to lose trail and run back from Taipo. Latecomers Moah and Hard Up then arrived, and I did not neglect to insult either of them with ’70s “humour” and, as usual, suffer the consequences.
Our hosts were extremely generous as usual. A great barbecue, and loads of craft beer and wine. We wish Beer Tits, LSG, Philip and the the one under construction the very best for an auspicious Year of the Pig.
The hashers beside them danced;
but they out-did the sparkling twats in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
in such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
what wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
I have a jolly good wank,
I may tell myself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
Letting the days go by (same as it ever was)
Once in a lifetime
Letting the days go by
On on – Salesman (with apologies to Wordsworth and David Byrne)
Hares Luk Sup Gow, Beer Tits, Phil (with a little help from Dingaling and his bolt cutters)
Runners Golden Jelly, Stunt Double, Liberace, Creme Brulee, Golden Balls, Hoover, Dingaling, Green Head Penis, No Rough Stuff, Stingray, Dram, Victim, Gaelle Says No, Mr Titties, Salesman, Geriatric, Walky Talky, Fartypants, T-Bird, Canton Clap
Non-runners Terryman, North & South, Hard Up, Moah, Overdue, VD, Chemical Ali, Desperate Dan, All The Way, M&M, Catch Of The Day
Location: Across the river from Lo Wu at the Chinese border. We showed up greeted by a pleasant view of Shenzhen and a police post. Once all had arrived we were given a quick brief telling us of a gate which we must solve the opening of, and to not fall into a ditch. With a relatively flat trail, a good pace was kept. Gaelle Says No headed up the pack, not calling so as to make sure others would get plenty of good exercise. After heading through a village, Liu Pok, we went up some small hills with a few checks.
After a check at the top of a hill the path was found leading us down hill through shiggy. Creme Brulee on the way down jumped around Stingray to expedite his decent. Later down the hill Creme Brulee attempted to short cut and fell into a deep ditch. Once reaching the bottom a two way check was found. Which was of course not marked by our front runner causing a few to turn the wrong way.
After some flat distance the rambo and wimps split came along. The rambo was a virgin shiggy trail which led us to the border fence. Along which was the aforementioned ditch we were not to fall into. Miraculously no one had any issues with the ditch but the good luck was not to last. Steps, a lot of steps getting up the final hill. The run down was a death trap featuring left over barbed wire fence which lay on the trail and metal wire hung like a clothesline. On the way down Liberace ran into this wire, tearing his eyelid. It appears the hare had hoped to reduce the number of the pack, and he nearly succeeded. The trail came down to join the wimps of which only Golden Jelly took part in.
We returned the way we came leading us back to the meeting point. The circle was formed. Down downs were given in the form of boxed wine. After all only the best educated down wine from a box. Eventually we ran out of people to give down downs to and called it an evening. – Green Head Penis
Hare Golden Balls
Runners Gaelle Says No, Green Head Penis, Golden Jelly, Liberace, Creme Brulee, One Eyed Jack, Stingray
Non-runners Luk Sup Gow, Dram, T-Bird
Report to come (QT)
Runners Penile Dementia, Liberace, Creme Brulee, Radio 1, Aiden, QT, Alice, Back To The Future, Count Von Cunt, No Rough Stuff, Golden Balls, One Eyed Jack
Despite the much depleted pack (Eunuch, Mango Groove, BJ and Geriatric all out of town, QT and No Rough Stuff unable to make it) more than a dozen hashers turned out for Stingray’s short, flat run around Ping Yeung, numbers that a decade ago, when packs of half a dozen were common, would have been hailed as handsome. And indeed it was a memorable night – but not for the reasons expected.
We were greeted with the sight of a wrapped pagoda, sheathed in tarpaulin by One Eyed Jack, who has plenty of experience in mega-managing dodgy structures. Inside, Penile Dementia was fiddling with sausages, while behind the edifice Catch Of The Day was doing her favourite thing, building a fire. Penile’s previous warning that we shouldn’t use this “village people” pagoda didn’t seem ominous in the slightest.
And so the first instalment of hashers set off (some were still looking for the start) down the hill to Ping Yeung and on to a track through vegetation. Gaelle Says No showed a clean pair of heels to the pack and was not seen again until the finish. The rest of us, meanwhile, followed a convoluted trail through agriculture and villages on concrete and dirt paths, with the frequent checks bringing the pack together time and again like a conked-out accordion. And of course there were the “hilarious” Stingray touches – like the bit where Golden Jelly, Velcro Lips and myself followed trail all the way around a huge grave and back to where we started.
Halfway point was Ping Che Road, which we followed for a short stretch before trail led off into agriculture again. Radio 1 was particularly nervous of the many hare-eyed jittery dogs and sprinted with a sort of yelp to the nearest man whenever a canine looked vaguely in her direction. Velcro Lips on the other hand quelled them with the power of the Hartlepool accent. Aiden, One Eyed Jack and Creme Brulee swapped the lead until going wrong in the final section, a traverse of a maze of pig trails through tall grass, where Golden Balls was the first to find his way up the bank to the pagoda to find…
…cops and cop cars everywhere, the whole pagoda awash with water from a Fire Services hosepipe, a fire engine, irate villagers with their dogs (bizarrely with glowing collars), a defiant Catch Of The Day standing over the drowned fire arguing the toss with the lead cop, Stingray grinning inanely and making up cockney-philosophy, and Penile Dementia doggedly turning the sausages on the barbecue while ignoring the pandemonium surrounding him.
Velcro Lips, hot on GB’s tail, took one look at the scene and sensibly fled into the night. Lead cop was demanding the place be cleaned up, so clean it up we did (but not before COTD had asked to record the cops’ demand to return the glowing logs to the bush, where they’d cause a fire) and the paramilitary and village enforcers finally left us to our sausages, baguettes, mulled wine and other devices.
Chief among these being the “game”. We were split into teams (late arrivals Liberace, Serbian Bomber and Back To The Future having joined by this time) based on our finishing positions, with Team A wearing hats made from Asahi crates and Team B wearing hats made from Tsingtao crates. We then had to take it in turns to do what the GM called “butt writing”, which entailed writing a word with – yes – your butt. Team A ran out easy winners with Creme Brulee particularly prescient in determining letters carved in air by oscillating bottoms. Team A walked off with chocolate lunar new year ornaments while Team B got calligraphy, which Liberace interpreted for us in his inimitable way. Who could have guessed that classic Chinese New Year calligraphy was so loaded with innuendo?
Then it was Learning With Libs, where the professor of Chinglish explained that 1900 actually meant bukkake (19 = sup gau = moist dooda and you can guess the rest). The mulled wine disappeared and not a sausage remained as we drove off leaving the evening’s architects sitting amidst the smouldering ruins of their nemesis: the village people’s pagoda.
Actually we left it in better shape than we found it – as always – and proved that despite society’s best efforts there’s no stopping the Northern! – Golden Balls
Runners Gaelle Says No, Golden Balls, Radio 1, Serbian Bomber, Golden Jelly, One Eyed Jack, Liberace, Aiden, Velcro Lips, Creme Brulee
Non-runners Catch Of The Day, Penile Dementia, Luk Sup Gow, Back To The Future
Vibrate is the hare.
7:30 is start time for Fish of the Day, Fat Student, Stem Degeneration, Friction Lip.
7:38 is start time for Hazelnut, Monocular, Succulent, Aton, Hitting Doll, Ghost Fish, Radio 1.
8:10 Golden Ball, No Rough Stuff start.
I started to turn right into the village for a few minutes. I saw Fish of the Day, Fat Student. I thought it was CHECK. In fact we need to climb a big water pipe and then turn up the mountain road. I thought how would Fish of the Day would go up, but I saw the group of boys climbed without considering. Go up, I am only dead and afraid of getting lost!
After going up the mountain, I first saw the Friction Lip and followed the Stem Degeneration all the way up into a fine bamboo forest. After passing through it, I saw the street lamp on the right side of the hillside at Mui Tsz Lam Road. Everyone thought that TRIAL should be right.
The first CHECK, the Stem Degenerates straight to the right, TRIAL DOWN, TRIAL DOWN, “T”!
I went back up the mountain and went up a hill. I heard the Hazelnut yelling at CHECK BACK. After turning back and running, I saw Libale cut right ONON up the mountain and reached the top of the mountain to see Aton at CHECK. I was in the direction of Libale. Right, Aton left to forest, and soon heard TRIAL, Once again, it proves that HASH can never be cut with Libale. It must be wrong! When you turn back to the mountain, you can see the Succulent, the Monocular, and the Ghost Fish will join the forest. Soon you will fall into a dangerous path.
Next, I was so shocked that I would hold the tree and the grass together. The Monocular and the Succulent were hitting CRASH respectively. We turned into the ditch for about 50 metres and could not find the TRIAL fold and saw Libale, and then entered the bamboo forest. The trails are all roots, and the Monocular is not interesting. Finally they asked me not to go fast because their headlights and flashlights are not enough! Until the diversion channel runs back to the starting point along the road. – Radio 1
Runners No Rough Stuff, Golden Balls, Radio 1, Stingray, Crash Test Dummy, Aiden, QT, One Eyed Jack, Mango Groove, Velcro Lips, Penile Dementia, Bunter, Catch Of The Day