Too Much Monkey Business

As Typhoon Meranti approached, its closest pass was to be Wednesday evening. Squally thunderstorms were predicted. There was an email from the hare, Golden Balls:

Just starting to lay trail. There are 2 possible starts: the picnic area as indicated on website n2th3.org (no shelter) and the government shop (shelter but stinky from toilets). I don’t know what the weathers going to do, so if I’m not back when you arrive please make the start according to the conditions. Trail will be up the steps at side of dam.

The hare returned just as Liberace drove up in the batmobile demanding to know where the start is. “I’m just going to smell the toilets.” “The look on Liberace’s face was priceless. “WHY you want to smell the toilets???”

Toilets dutifully smelled, the hare decreed the start to be at the shop. “Rambo and wimp trails, should take about an hour, marked with chalk, flour and toilet paper,” he told the assembled crew of Velcro Lips, Golden Jelly, One Eyed Jack, Serbian Bomber, Mango Groove, Eunuch, Liberace and Sticky Apid. “Try to keep together at the start as there were a lot of macaques around when I was setting it.”

So the rambos set off – Sticky, Eunuch, Mango, Liberace and Serbian – while the wimps stayed for “instructions”. No wimp markings after the split, carry on along the forest track about 1km and you’ll find an arrow to send you back home. If you fancy doing a bit more go in the opposite direction and you’ll rejoin the rambo trail.

Meanwhile the rambos were running hither and thither off the second check, unable to find trail. At last markings were found and the run began in earnest. Up to the road, left at a check, then right up another road to the split. Wimps left onto a forest track, rambos continuing up the road to its end, where Liberace and Eunuch took off on the appealingly wide track that went straight ahead. Mango had other ideas and went for an unpromising-looking gap in the trees to find a bogroll trail going steeply up. It was a tough climb eliciting expressions of wonder at how GB had managed to haul his fat arse up it.

After an interminable ascent on an almost nonexistent path a good footpath was reached heading downhill to a major footpath junction and a check. Eunuch, Mango and Liberace ran on down from the check, saw the wimps arrow and carried on down a long way before realising their mistake. One Eyed Jack was somewhere in the mix, also flummoxed by the same check after deciding to segue over to the rambo trail, but gave up and made his own way back to the start. The three front runners by this time had got back on track and followed the contour path before a checkback sent them back a little way onto a slippery downhill path leading to the nullah road and home.

Sticky, who wasn’t far behind them, on reaching the checkback ignored the obvious track down and checked all the way back to the previous check a mile back and even started going back uphill until Serbian came down and turned her around.

Back at the finish Liberace was into his customary rant about no markings, rubbish hare etc, to which the hare calmly replied that Liberace was a homo and couldn’t hash his way out of a paper bag. Velcro produced baguettes, cold meats, cheese and tomatoes, beer was drunk and Sticky jogged in looking fresh as a daisy and smelling sweeter than an apid’s bottom exudate. Shortly afterwards Serbian Bomber arrived. Of course nobody was worried by his absence because he would by now have made his bivouac and slaughtered, skinned and butchered a boar to see him through the night. However, on arrival, he shared intelligence: He’d seen Sticky near the finish bathing in a mountain stream!

Epilogue (email from the hare): Talking to Golden Jelee on the way home tonight, it became apparent that there were problems with trail markings at the start of the run. They weren’t there. Hence Liberace tarnishing me as the worst hare since COTD. I think I know what happened. This sector, from the start steps to the road, was where I was being stalked by two huge male macaques, one on each side of me, eyeing my bag of flour jealously. Whenever I bent down to draw an arrow they would try to blindside me and get the flour; whenever I dropped flour they would scoop up a handful before resuming their relentless stalking. Imagine these two fucking monsters on all fours, slightly behind you, one on each side, making the occasional dash & snatch, baring their teeth, looking you straight in the eye with the message “We’re gonna tear your arms off sunshine”, and tell me you wouldn’t be spooked. Well I can only assume that on reaching the road their territory ended (as they stopped stalking me) and indeed, the wife says markings were excellent from there. What this assumption leads to is another: that they went back and ate my markings.

Mango’s reply: It was a brilliant run. I think we came onto some KH3  markings that we must have missed on Monday night as the hares said there was a downpour and went out and tried to mark an easier trail from the intended one. Yes and just as KY had suggested I also figured the macaques may have eaten a lot of your flour markings because it was the part where you told us to stay together. Great run and great fun as well. Special thanks also to KY and Velcro for drinks and food respectively. 

Eunuch’s reply: That’s it, you apologise, bitch. I expect this sort of thing from every hare from now on (except me).