The Abdication At The Weir

As my taxi started the pull up Lam Kam Road towards Kadoorie Farm I saw Eunuch gamely pedalling along in his running kit. He’ll be there soon after me, I thought – the turn-off to Pak Ngau Shek was just a few hundred metres ahead. When I got to village, the new abode of Fartypants and Walky Talky, there was Oranguwank remarking how accurate the map on the blog was. Spot on. Fifteen minutes later, Eunuch hadn’t arrived.

Neither had anybody else, not even the hare. I called Eunuch. “I passed you on Lam Kam Road so where are you?” “We’re all at the start, according to the map,” he said, “where are you?” “We’re at the start, according to the map…” and so it went. Deadlock was broken when Catch Of The Day’s Land Rover pulled up, shortly followed by Zimmerframe’s old jalopy, now Bukkake’s beer truck. The others were all in the next village down, Tai Yeung Che. In due course they trooped in: Eunuch, Penile Dementia, Velcro Lips, One Eyed Jack, Liberace’s beat-up van, Luk Dim Boon on a bike. Beer Tits, Phil and VD on foot. Still no sign of the hare. Then Fartypants turned up and delivered the briefing. “No idea where the hare is, she’s still out setting the run. Haven’t a clue how long it is. Couldn’t tell you how many trails there are. Haven’t the faintest where it goes, apart from past my gaff… I was going to run with you,” he remarked, eyeing the eskies, “but you’ll need somebody to look after all this beer…”

Oranguwank: There’s a path shown on the map going straight up Tai To Yan from here. We craned our necks steeply up to that forbidding ridge. Oh well, here goes. Can’t be helped. Trail started encouragingly enough leading down a road-wide mud track south towards Lam Kam Road. A couple of previously unknown and promising-looking tracks heading north were briefly explored before trail was found on Lam Kam Road and then along the road to Ng Tung Chai. Clever checks and some new tracks kept the pack together as we worked our way towards Tai Om and Ping Long. All seemed well.

Then the raging weir was encountered with its strong current and huge drop-off. Some attempted to leap it, others braved the fearsome undertow. I took one look and turned back, followed by One Eyed Jack and Velcro Lips. But this abdication at the weir led to a wimps trail. On regaining Lam Kam Road we ran east until we picked up trail again and followed it back through Sha Pa, Mai Po Mei and Tai Yeung Che to the start. Oranguwank came charging up the hill shortly afterwards, a long way ahead of Catch Of The Day and Eunuch. Their route had taken them up a knoll with head high elephant grass – there were cruel jibes aimed at the hare, all five foot none of her. Oranguwank proclaimed it to have been 7.8km. The Lam Tsuen Valley tardis had done its job again.

Some locals drove up slowly, then stopped. “What’s going on here?” – to which Fartypants replied in his most unctuous, toadying manner, explaining all about the hash in a repulsively fawning yet strangely mincing way. He does live there I suppose. And what a good hashing venue: toilet block, ancestral hall to get changed in, ample parking, even a hosepipe for the fussy. Topped off brilliantly when Walky Talky, VD and Beer Tits appeared bearing a cauldron of chicken curry, a vat of steaming rice, hunks of torn baguette, a slab of pate, pickled radishes from Golden Jelly’s fertile tracts and a splendid fruit, garlic and Parmesan salad, which the oafish GM proceeded to upset on the gravel.

More of the same, please! – Golden Balls

Non-runners Luk Sup Gow and Chemical Ali